


Does he know better?

by RiderForEver17



Series: Knowing Better [2]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Alex and Ben’s bromance, Alex has issues, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Recovery, Fluff and Angst, He works through those issues, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:35:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 91,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiderForEver17/pseuds/RiderForEver17
Summary: Sequel to "Should've known better"! How did Alex move on from the events of the previous story? Has he actually moved on? Step inside to see how Alex tries to maintain the balance between belonging to a new family, starting college and not letting the events of his recent past mess with his present and, more importantly, his future.Quick updates!
Series: Knowing Better [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813444
Comments: 17
Kudos: 30





	1. Good luck in college!

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! To those of you reading the story for the first time, I couldn’t be more excited to introduce you to my favorite part of the series.  
> To those of you who already know the story, like I said on the first work of the series, I’ll be editing some changes into the story. Nothing plot related! I’ll just fix the occasional awkward phrasing. 
> 
> WARNINGS: this story is really centered on Alex and his emotions, it was specially written to explore the way Alex deals with the aftermath of his rape so you can expect the subject to come up a lot. Also, lots of angst because that’s what I love to write. 
> 
> I thought maybe you’d like a small summary of the first part of the series before you start reading this one: on my previous story, Alex was Ben's ward after Jack's death and they'd been living together for two years when, on vacation in Ukraine, Alex was kidnapped and very bad things happened to him. He was tortured and sexually abused, and even though he was rescued by Ben and K-Unit, the aftermath of that was pretty hard to get through. The cherry on top was when MI6 told Ben he wasn't adequate enough to keep taking care of Alex, so Ben managed to slip Alex out of MI6's fingers by making his parents adopt Alex like they'd adopted him when he was a young kid. Alex agreed to it, and even though in this story Alex is already off age, he’s still very much legally part of Ben's family.
> 
> That being said, please keep in mind that english isn’t my first language and typos are my life 😬  
> I really hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. This one’s a roller coaster of emotions I’d gladly get on every day.  
> Enjoy!

"You can't do this to me Alex" Mr. Strauss said for the hundredth time in the last twenty minutes.

"I know, and I'm sorry but I'm starting college at the end of the summer and I'll need the time"

"But you're the bloody best worker I've ever had! You can't just leave!"

Alex sighed inwardly at Mr. Strauss words. The man could be such a nuisance sometimes but he was also kind and hardworking. He owned the sports shop in downtown Newcastle where the blond had worked for the last three months now, and Alex wasn’t surprised to hear him cussing after having his _best bloody worker_ quitting on him two weeks before the start of the school year.

"I'll give you a raise" the man offered to which Alex shook his head.

"It's not about the money, Mr. Strauss. And I appreciate it but I want to focus on college and I have to keep up for my sport’s scholarship or I won't be able to pay next year. I need time for practices and games too" Mr. Strauss sighed, defeated, and kept cleaning the counter while Alex stood by his side. The shop had closed 20 minutes ago and Ben was surely waiting for him to eat dinner, if the missed call on his phone was anything to go by. Alex didn't want to leave unless the matter was closed though.

"Tell you what..." Mr. Strauss continued "You can come to work as many days as you can. Or as little. I don't care, but I can't afford to lose you"

Alex tilted his head in thought.

He didn't want to stop working either. Shortly after summer began, a few days after his school graduation, he’d finally managed to convince Ben to let him get a job and help pay for a few things around the apartment. They’d moved to Newcastle right after Ben's parents adopted him into the family, and he’d had to go through his last year at one of the local schools.

He’d wanted to start working half way through it, but Ben had been hell bent into making him graduate first and worry about finding a job later. The older man had insisted he had enough savings to get them started in their new life and there was already a job offer waiting for him to take it, so Alex shouldn't worry about it. And even after graduation, Alex got to keep almost all of his salary for himself. He didn't earn much, but it was more than enough for him to get by without having to ask Ben to buy him new clothes, books or sneakers whenever he needed them. And he needed sneakers a lot. He burned through them like a desperate man on a run. Which is what he did. Every day. At 4:30 a.m., sharp.

He liked the routine of working at the shop, he didn’t really want to leave it, but what he’d told Mr. Strauss was true; he needed to focus on college if he wanted to keep the scholarship. No scholarship meant no college because he wouldn't let Ben or, God forbid, his parents, pay it for him.

"But that would only be like two days a week, at most" he answered, bringing his head back into the conversation. Mr. Strauss stopped cleaning the counter to look at him with a triumphant smile on his face.

"Then that'd be two days of optimal achievement!" he exclaimed "You truly are a great salesman, and you know so much about a lot of sports. I didn't even have to teach you that much! Do you know how much time and effort it takes to train someone new? Though I would still need to hire someone else... " Mr. Strauss continued pensively, as if Alex had already agreed to his proposal "I'll have to put the _'help wanted'_ poster on the window again, and maybe publish it in the newspaper. People that still read the paper are bound to be good workers, you know? They don't have their eyes constantly glued to their cellphones. Do you read the paper Alex?" he suddenly asked, and the blond almost missed the question, having gotten lost in everything Mr. Strauss was saying.

"Sure, sometimes"

"Ha! I knew it! I'll definitely put it on the newspaper then" he finished and then went back to cleaning. Alex stood there, unsure how to steer the conversation back on topic.

"So, Mr. Strauss, I can keep working for the next couple of weeks and then—"

"Then you'll only come when you can, whatever free afternoon you have. Or you could come on the weekends! That would work. A half time shift on the weekend and maybe a few hours on the freest afternoon of the week you have. I won't be able to pay you the same but we can work something out. What do you say?" Alex was about to gently deny the offer when his phone buzzed in his pocket with an incoming call. He pulled it out enough to glance at the screen and see that it was Ben, again.

Looking at the caller ID made him hesitate. He really didn't want to go back to earning no money at all and leave Ben with all the responsibility. He was an adult now and he wanted to pull his weight too.

Alex looked back at Mr. Strauss and he could see that the man had noticed his change of heart. He was wearing a satisfactory smile again.

"We can work something out, right?" the man asked.

This time, it was Alex who smiled. "Yeah. I'm sure we can"

"Atta boy!" Mr. Strauss exclaimed, patting Alex on the shoulder and making him flinch just a tiny bit "I'll want your opinion on the new employee!" he said while Alex made his way to the door "And you'll have to help train them too!"

Alex chuckled and waved his agreement when he made his way out the door.

"Oh! And Daniels?"

Alex stopped and turned around. "Yes?"

"Good luck in college!”

Alex closed the door. He sent a quick message to Ben letting him know he was on his way home and then put away his phone, smiling.

Things hadn't gone exactly as planned with the conversation but maybe, just maybe and for the first time, that was a good thing in Alex's life.

He kept walking, already thinking ahead on how he'd manage to balance college, football and work, but excited to see how it would all play out.  
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was 4:25 in the morning and Alex was finishing tying up his shoelaces. He was careful not to make too much noise, lest he woke up Ben, but he guessed after a year, the older man had learned to ignore the noises caused by Alex's new routine.

Alex woke up every day before dawn to go on his early morning run. It was one of the first suggestions his therapist had given him that he’d actually listened to. Yes, there was a therapist. Or, at least, there had been. He didn’t see her regularily now, instead just making an appointment when he felt like there was something he needed to get off his chest.

He’d finally agreed to start therapy when even after the adoption, his nightmares wouldn't let him sleep. He would spend days on end without sleeping to the point of exhausting himself enough to faint one afternoon. To say that Evelyn, Ben's mother, had made quite a scene about it was the understatement of the year.

He’d been reluctant at first, but he had to admit sleep came better after talking to her. It wasn't like he talked about his whole life, nothing on his parents, Jack or MI6. He’d just needed help with one issue and one issue only.

The nightmares hadn't completely stopped, of course, but they got progressively better and he wasn't so afraid of them anymore. No matter what his subconscious made him relieve at night, he got to the point where he knew he was dreaming and it was just a matter of waking up to make the horror stop. That's when he'd go running.

But eventually he made it part of his routine and he never started a day without at least an hour run. That’s why he was making his way down the street now, his pace slow to warm up first, despite having slept soundly the night before.

Running helped ease his mind.

As he weaved his way through the now familiar streets, there was no past or future to worry about. Just the present, putting one foot in front of the other, breathing in through his nose and breathing out through his mouth. There was no greater feeling than feeling nothing at all for the hour it took him to reach his usual mark and then go back home.

Just like right now, his mind was blissfully silent as he made his way back home until the apartment building he lived in with Ben came into view.

He slowed his pace to a walk to cool down.

Not for the first time, Alex felt amazed at how much his life had changed in so little time. He had to admit moving to Newcastle was easier than he'd thought, and he actually loved it here. Moving out of London had served to prove how toxic the atmosphere was around him there, and even though he was leaving everything he knew behind, he found he rather enjoyed the change.

  
He still kept in touch with Tom. He was his best friend after all, and the other teen had come visit a few times as well. The last time Alex saw him, they’d gotten together to celebrate their graduation. To Alex it a wonder he'd managed to graduate at all.

When they'd moved, he’d worried he'd be held back a year or something, but the school managed to overlook his history of unattendances and focus only on the way he managed to bring his grades up after what was described as a _troubling time for the young ma_ n when he'd had to find the balance between the loss of the people closest to him and schoolwork. If only it had been just that.

So the school board had admitted him and he'd begun his senior year while Ben got hired as an accountant in the layer firm his father worked at. It turned out Ben had gotten a degree before joining the SAS. Go figure.

Ben had rented an apartment just a few blocks away from his parent's house. He'd said he wanted to spend more time with them after being away for so long, but Alex knew he was also doing it for him, so he could feel like he had the support of his new family close by. Evelyn made sure that at least Alex got to eat lunch with them once a week and it didn't take long for Ben to start complaining that Alex was now the favorite son.

Now _that_ was something that had taken a while to adjust to. Being part of a family again, one that got together everyweek and spent holidays together. Alex couldn't understand how Ben had managed to stay away from that for so long while he'd been a soldier and then a spy, but who was he to judge? He was making up for lost time now.

Speaking of Ben, when Alex walked back into the apartment, he found the older man getting the coffee machine started. He’d become addicted to the stuff for about half a year now and he never started his days without at least one cup of the bitter brew.

"Morning!" Alex greeted upon entering but the other man just grunted as a response. Alex chuckled "Somebody's grumpy this morning" he joked while gulping a bottle of water he grabbed from the fridge.

"Some of us actually have to work this morning" Ben replied, voice thick with sleep. Alex laughed.

"What are you talking about? I work today too”

"Yeah, but you have fun while you work so that doesn't count. Working shouldn't be fun"

"Whatever" Alex said with a smile on his face. He was more than used to a grumpy Ben in the mornings. He couldn't deny it though. He loved his work, which is why he'd ended up accepting his boss' offer the week before.

He went to take a shower and change, and by the time he made his way back to the kitchen, Ben had thankfully woken up more and was placing the cereal bowls on the table. Alex reached for the milk and they sat to enjoy their simple breakfast.

"So how's the search coming for the new employee?" Ben asked, starting the conversation. Alex rolled his eyes and made an exasperated noise.

"It's driving me mad! Mr. Strauss is very specific about what he wants. I've started training at least three different people this week and none of them lasted more than two days"

“Must he hard to fill in your shoes”

"Come on. I'm not that irreplaceable. I only just started working there this summer and Mr. Strauss already thinks I'm his lucky charm or something" Ben laughed at that and they finished eating in companionable silence.

Ben left for work some time later and Alex still had some time to kill. He went back through all the information of his chosen career, wishing desperately that next week came a little bit faster so he could start a new phase of his life he was actually excited about.  
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He left with 20 minutes to spare. Mr. Strauss had told him there was a new candidate starting probation that day and he was really hoping this one would be the last. He didn't want to leave his boss in such a _'dire need'_ as he’d called it two days before, and he really didn't want to be guilted into staying fulltime after classes began. His first football practice was next monday and he wanted to be well rested for it.

During his senior year he hadn't lost any time joining the football team. No matter what went down in his life, football was the one thing that remained constant and still gave him pure unadulterated joy. Playing was an essential part of who he was. His high school coach had taken a liking to his style and recommended he applied for a scholarship after graduating. He had and he'd gotten it, hence why he needed to work hard to keep it.

By the time he arrived at the store, the place was already open and he could see Mr. Strauss talking to a guy not much older than the blond. Alex made his way to the small office behind the counter to leave his backpack and get ready to star his shift.

"Ah! Alex, there you are!" Mr. Strauss beckoned him over to the water sports section "This here is Victor. Turns out he's a football player like you. Seems to have some idea of a few other sports as well. Do you mind giving him the tour?"

Alex smiled and shook the new guy's offered hand. “Sure”

"Nice to meet you"

The guy was tall, taller than Alex, and had brownish gingerish hair. It was a strange combination. His smile was welcoming and relaxed. He seemed cool.

"So every hallway displays a sport. We have team sports over there and individual ones over here. Our job is to help customers get what they want and keep the store in order. Mr. Strauss handles the money and restocking. There's also a webpage and people can buy stuff online and then come pick it up here. We keep those orders in the office when it's not too stuffed. And last but not least—”

"Let me guess... The customer's always right?" Victor asked, that easygoing smile never leaving his face and taking in all the information Alex was giving him.

"Ha! No” Alex let out a laugh "Actually is the other way around. The costumer's almost never right. They think they know what they want but the most important part of our job is to get them the article they actually need, doesn't matter if they buy something less expensive than what they came here to get. It's never about the money, it's about the service. Got it?" Alex finished, repeating the very same words Mr. Strauss had thrown at him on his first day.

"Yeah. Got it" Victor assured him and sent him an even brighter smile. This guy sure looks happy, Alex thought, already turning around to show him the rest of the shop.

They weren't half way through it when the bell hanging above the door sounded and a couple of people walked in. It was a mother and her young son, who went straight to the tennis section. Alex told the new guy he'd handle the costumers while he continued to get familiarized with the place, but he was stopped before he went to greet the costumers.

"Don't worry. I got this" Victor said and approached the woman and her son with that never wavering smile on his face, asking what he could do to help them.

Alex watched from the end of the hall how the guy talked so naturally with the pair, as if he'd known them for years, and by the time the purchase had been made, that's when he learned Victor's smile wasn't only a simple feature of his, it was infectious and the mother and child walked away from the store with big smiles on their faces as well. Alex glanced at Mr. Strauss, who’d charged the woman for the tennis racket the kid had bought and a silent understanding passed between them: they'd found the one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex has no idea what’s in store for him in this story. I only wish I could edit faster so I could post the whole story in one go.  
> Since I can’t work that fast, how about you guys tell me what you think of this first chapter or what you think is gonna happen in this story? Drop a comment or a kudos so I know you guys are there and are enjoying the story. 😇
> 
> Also, I know the school system in the UK is different than in the US, but I found the latter easier to write so, bear with me? It’s a work of fiction after all and want to focus my attention on the plot and the characters :)
> 
> See you on the next chapter!


	2. We’ll see about that

Alex was going over the schedule of today's lessons. It was Monday, September 12th, first day of college.

He was excited! He felt like one of the nerd kids he and Tom sometimes joked about during their younger years at school, he remembered guiltily, but he was pleased to see that the excitement of starting college came from a real place. This time, studying wasn't just about finishing all his courses and graduating, it was about building a future. _His_ future, and he wanted to excel at it. He wanted this to be the fresh start he’d been looking for a while, the real start of a new life.

 _Please_ _,_ he thought while he stood at the gates of the imposing building and thinking about a God he wasn't even sure he believed in. _Let this be good. Let me have this_ _,_ he begged and made his way inside.

He was nervous, but so were the rest of freshmen students that slowly began to fill the classroom where Professor Martin would be introducing the students to their new career path.

As always, there were a couple of students that were so good at socializing they were already talking amongst themselves as if they'd known each other for years.

There were those who waited for class to start while reading a book or going through their phones. And then there were those so nervous that all they could do was chew on their nails.

Alex took his time analyzing every student, a habit he would never be able to break. He always needed to know who surrounded him at all times and, if he planned to spend the next several months seeing these people every day, he might as well get acquaintance with their faces.

Most of his classes throughout the morning consisted on the teachers introducing themselves and explaining the schedule of what they'd do during the first semester of the year. Only the teacher of his second period started the class with the first subject they'd be studying, so there were a few notes to be taken, but his last period was cut short after the woman, Ms. Miller, sent them on their way home promising to dive into the first chosen book of the month the next day.

All in all, it was a good day. He'd managed to greet a few people he shared classes with by the end of the third period and he already knew the name of at least a quarter of the student body of his freshmen year. Things were looking good.

They were looking even better because now all that was left to do was go to practice.

The football team trained Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 8:45 p.m. ‘till a quarter past eleven. Practices were a bit later than what he'd been used to, having trained always with the light of day in high school, but he guessed he'd get used to them. The main problem would be going back home afterwards since the last bus of the night passed by the stop nearest the field about an hour before practice ended. He'd have to talk to Ben about it. Maybe he'd let him use the car! He'd gotten his driver license a few months back but he still didn't get to use the car as much as he'd like.

To get to practice on time he needed to take the 8:20 bus, which meant getting out of the apartment exactly 7 minutes before that to walk to the bus stop.

Ever since things went back to his new normal, he’d started to develop a slight case of OCD. The first few times his therapist had asked him to describe what he felt, he’d talked about things like getting irritated when Ben borrowed something of his and didn't return it to the exact same place it had been before. If he was running late somewhere, even for just a couple of minutes, he'd spend the rest of the day angry and stressed. He also mentioned the sudden need to keep his room tidy and clean. Alex knew he was a meticulous person but change and disorganization didn't use to bother him that much. His therapist had theorized that after what happened, he felt like he needed to exercise control over every little aspect of his life and when that control was affected by chance, it unsettled him. It made sense. They'd worked on acceptance and liberation, letting go of the things he couldn't control, but even though he'd learned to live with it without it being much of an issue, there were things he just couldn't shake. Getting to his first football practice on time was one of them.

He’d already been introduced to the coach but he had yet to meet the rest of the players. As it was his understanding, a few other freshmen were gonna try out for the team as well, the only difference was, Alex's place on the team was already a deal.

He was the first to arrive and went over to the bleachers at the side of the field to wait for everyone else to appear. There were some people running laps around the field but he quickly got bored watching them.

Slowly, one by one, guys around his age, some of them a bit older, began to gather around the bleachers until there was no doubt what they were there for. Returning players were greeting each other enthusiastically, while the new ones sat awkwardly by themselves. The two groups didn't mix until one of the older players came closer to them, rolling a ball between his hands.

"So which one of you is the scholarship kid?" he asked, a predatory gaze instantly recognizable on his face.

Everyone else glanced around each other, and Alex was reluctant to say anything back, but they were all bound to find out sooner or later. He stood up from the bleachers.

"I am" he simply stated, waiting to see what the other guy wanted. He and his friends looked Alex up and down.

"I hear you're supposed to be something else. Is it true?" he said, a few of his friends nodding behind him.

"Yeah. Coach wouldn't stop talking about it last season" another one added. Alex didn't like the tone in which they were talking about him but he kept his cool.

"I guess I'm alright" he said. He really hoped this scholarship thing wouldn't create a wedge between him and his future teammates. Then he barely had time to pull up his arms and catch the ball that'd been suddenly thrown his way.

"I guess we'll see about that today" the guy said before making his way to the center of the field to start stretching. Alex turned around to see the other freshmen giving him a mixture between jealous and sympathetic looks and then they too walked into the field. The silhouette of the coach could be seen approaching from the distance and Alex heaved a sigh, dropping the ball to the floor. Things weren't working out to a great start.

He joined the rest of the team. When the coach reached them he made some quick introductions and explained how things would work from now on to the new players. Everyone was always welcomed to practice, but the spot on the field had to be earned for every game, no matter how old or new they were. The man sent a look towards the boy that had signaled Alex out earlier but it was met with a smug smile.

A few laps around the field later, the coach made them choose pairs to begin some warm up drills with the ball.

"You're with me" a voice said from behind him. Alex glanced around and saw everyone else was taken. He had no choice

"I'm Owen, by the way"

"Alex" he replied getting into position.

"Scholarship boy" Owen said

"I think I prefer Alex" he wasn't going to get intimidated by someone who just felt threatened by his presence.

"Where did you play before?" He asked, sending a pass to him that he easily controlled with his left foot and threw back.

"Just at school" the other kid made an acknowledgement sound and threw the ball again.

"Getting in with a scholarship doesn't mean you'll get to play. You heard what the coach said"

"Actually, getting in with a scholarship requires I play at least half the games of the season" Alex answered back matter of factly "In case you didn't know" they kept passing the ball back and forth between them until the time was up and practice moved on.

"We'll see about that" was the last thing Owen said before taking off after the rest of the players.

After an hour of different drills and then taking shots against the goalkeepers, they were divided into two teams to play. The winning team would get to count the laps taken around the field by every player of the losing one. As it was natural, he and Owen played against each other and soon it became pretty obvious that Owen had made him his personal mark.

Alex was a forward player, the other one was a defender and a very good one at that. More often than not Alex was forced to get rid of the ball and let another person take the shot. He was being chased way too closely. But after the first break to get hydrated, Alex decided he wouldn't hold back. What he'd told Owen was true: he was required to play a minimum of 50% of the games of the season to maintain his scholarship, but Owen hadn't been wrong either. If he didn't deliver, coach would be forced to bench him and he risked not completing the requirement.

So next time someone passed him the ball, he made sure to keep it. He ran with it from one half of the field to the next, avoiding every attempt from the other team to take the ball from him. When it was time to face off against Owen, he fought back as hard as the other man was. He made sure to keep the attention on himself and to slowly drag it away from the goal. They were fighting tooth and nail for the ball, shoving each other just hard enough not to be seen as a foul until Alex finally saw his opening.

One of the guys on his team had come closer to them to assist and Alex made a move to go right and then passed the ball left to his team mate. Contrary to every indication during his younger teenage years, Alex had stopped growing by the time he turned 16. He wasn't the tallest guy around, but he was quick and agile on his feet. He rolled around Owen and sprinted towards the goal, waving at the kid with the ball to make a pass. Thankfully the other guy, another one of the freshmen, identified the moment as a good play and returned the ball to him. Having drawn Owen away, the defense on that side was weak and he faced off against the goalkeeper, sending a powerful kick forward that drove the ball past the boy and into the goal.

Everyone on his team cheered and congratulated him but quickly got ready to start playing again. The score was tied one to one.

Despite their efforts, by the end of the game Alex's team was losing 2 to 1 and when the coach blew the whistle, he and his team mates had to run four laps around the field. He didn't mind though, he was happy when he ran.

The coach ended practice with a speech about giving their best for this new season because they were looking forward to climb up from the third division of the league they played in to the second one. The old players cheered at that and the new ones smiled with anticipation for the challenge. It would be an interesting season.

It was 11:20 p.m. when the guys headed for the locker room. Alex grabbed his things and started walking towards the exit.

"Yo, Alex!" one of them called "You won't go to the showers?" The blond shook his head.

"I rather go home earlier" he said, hanging his bag around his shoulder.

"Oh and scholarship boy?" another voice called and Alex rolled his eyes but turned around again "You're not half bad" Owen said before waving goodbye and walking away. Alex smiled, surprised, and continued to make his way out of the field.

Ben was waiting for him in the parking lot, listening to the radio with the driver's seat reclined all the way down. Alex tapped hard on the window before opening his door and getting in. He hadn't been able to catch the other man by surprise though, he'd seen him coming from a mile away.

"So how was it?" Ben asked when he turned on the engine. Alex was tired and he'd be sore in the morning but he smiled.

"It was great!" Ben sent him a grin and drove off.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 _So far, so goo_ _d,_ Ben thought.

Alex’s first day at college was apparently a success and the blond hadn’t lost the streak of good mood he’d been on for the last couple of weeks.

 _Good_.

Ben had worried about the new changes in routine causing a negative effect on the teen: changing his working schedule, a new place to study, a new team. He’d secretly arranged an appointment between himself and Alex's therapist so she could give him advise on how to handle the start of the academic year. It had been a while now since Alex's last bad day, and he truly hoped there wasn't another one just waiting around the corner.

As much as the blond managed to keep his spirits up most of the time, there were times his mood went back to how it'd been right after Kiev: somber, sad and angry. Those days definitely weren't his best. But they didn't come too often now either, so Ben dared to be hopeful. He glanced at the boy sitting on the passenger seat, his brother, focusing on the satisfied smile on his face while his fingers drummed on his legs to the rhythm playing on the radio. Alex was doing great and he could only hope it stayed that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole scholarship thing? Totally made up!  
> The first few chapters of this story serve to set the stage of Alex’s new life, but things are gonna start shaking up soon enough, so stay tuned!


	3. I’m fine. I’m fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex’s cool facade is starting to crack...

Alex kept driving his right thumb into the palm of his left hand the closer he got to the shop. That was the first sign that let him know he was heading straight for one of his so called _'bad days_ '. The high of the first week of school was starting to wear down and a feeling of apprehension began taking a hold of him. Still, he would try to fight it and keep his cool.

It was unsettling walking into the store and having clients already all over the place. He was used to the slow buildup of work, not walking right into the middle of chaos. He made his way into the office, catching a glimpse of Victor over by the climbing gear talking to a woman. He had to admit he was impressed. Victor had lasted for about a week now, so it looked like Mr. Strauss was considering hiring him permanently.

Speaking of the older man, he found him going through some documents at the desk.

"Good to see you Alex!"

"Good afternoon Mr. Strauss"

"I gotta say, it'll be different not having you around every day, but I trust we've found a good lad to take over your shifts" he commented, confirming Alex's suspicions "How's college life?"

"It's good" he smiled at the question. It _was_ good, and all he needed to do was adapt to the new changes on his routine, he told his apprehensive self. He still had a place to go every day and he still had a job. Nothing to worry about.

"Great! So now that you're here I need to go see one of our suppliers about one of the orders that arrived this morning. I think I'll be gone for the rest of the day. Do you mind managing the store for today? Victor'll help you and you'll have to close for the night. I'll leave you the spare keys" Alex was a little uncertain about it. He'd never had to work without Mr. Strauss before and if anything went wrong he wouldn't be immediately available to fix it. He wanted to tell the man he wasn't sure he could do it, managing the store by himself was a big responsibility, even with the new employee around, but Mr. Strauss was already gathering his things and picking up the papers he'd been going through.

"Sure" Alex said, his hands having found each other behind his back as he renewed the nervous gesture he'd been doing before. If he kept it up, he'd drive a hole through his hand.

Mr. Strauss left and Alex stood behind the counter. His attention was called by a costumer who wanted to pay for his purchase and he guided his somewhat unsettled feet to the cash register. He started working on autopilot. He charged a few other clients and fetched an online order from the office to hand it to their new owner. It was barely 6:30 p.m. and he already wanted to leave.

The deal he'd made with his boss had been a half shift on the weekends and a couple of hours every Thursday depending on how much schoolwork he had. He was grateful Mr. Strauss liked his work so much that he'd wanted him around even with such an unconventional work schedule, but today, feeling as apprehensive as he was, he wondered if he'd made the right decision or if he should've stuck to his original plan.

When he began questioning the choice to keep his job, he began to feel agitated. But he’d made a choice and he was supposed to stick by it.

When he noticed his heart rate increasing, Alex breathed in an out slowly, taking advantage of the respite of clients in the store to calm his fried nerves. He began chanting in his head the phrase his therapist had made him learn for whenever he felt like he was losing control.

_I_ _’m_ _fine. I_ _’m_ _fine. I have two arms and I have two legs. I can talk, I can walk. I_ _’m_ _fine_ _._

It was a mantra to help him focus on the present where there were no threats against him and he had total control of his faculties. It worked surprisingly well after just a few weeks of using it and now he reached out to it whenever he felt at odds with himself.

_I’m_ _fine. I_ _’m_ _fine. I have two arms and I have_ _—_

"So, I guess we'll see eachother every Thursday, huh?" a voice said, interrupting his thoughts. Victor had come closer when he'd also found himself taskless. Alex just acknowledge the comment, but didn't say anything back.

Alex had never been too good at meeting new people or making small talk. He just wasn't the most sociable type of guy,so making conversation wasn't really one of his skills. It didn't matter though, the new guy had that department covered

"I've been one handedly chosen by a little boy to tell you he hopes you're not dying terribly after a bicycle accident. Somehow he thought that was the reason for your absence yesterday" in spite of himself, Alex chuckled.

"That'd be Jefferson Jr. the third" he offered "He comes here every week to get his bicycle wheels aligned. I don't know what he does to them but they're never right"

"You seem to be very popular around here. Another person asked, and I quote: _'where is that handsome fair boy that used to work here i_ _n_ _the summer?'_ " Alex's cheeks reddened slightly after that comment, and he laughed it off awkwardly.

"I don't know who that one could be" he answered. He picked up a box from under the counter and went to restock a few products. Victor chased him to do the same.

"Well, she was tall, blond and maybe a little old for you" okay, maybe he had an idea of who he was talking about. Patricia, Patty, as she kept insisting he called her, was a regular and he always felt uncomfortable around her.

"Is there a size large black shirt in your box, Victor?" Alex asked instead of acknowledging the new guy's last comment. The taller boy reached into the box and handed Alex the item.

"Oh, and it's Vict, not Victor. You can call me that" he said, sporting the same smile Alex had seen him showing costumers and that somehow made everyone instantly happier.

"What's wrong with Victor?" Alex asked, not willing to admit he'd begun to return the smile. He quickly sobered. He was feeling at odds today after all. The boy in question shrugged.

"I never got around to liking it. Besides, all my friends call me Vict" they were continuing to stand side by side arranging the content of the boxes into the displaying shelves.

"We haven't known each other enough to be friends" Alex stated, knowing full well his tone of voice was way more serious than what the situation called for, even for him. There was a reason he hadn't managed to make good friends in Newcastle yet, and that's because he was always a bit hostile against the people he met. He'd been trying to work around that for some time now, but nothing seemed to be working.

"Well, if we're gonna be working together once a week, I figured we should get along" again, he sent him a ridiculously bright smile. This guy seemed to be naturally happy about everything and anything.

The door of the shop opened and Victor went over to help the new client. The man wanted a pair of climbing boots and it took some time to get him sorted. By the time he left, Alex had finished what they'd been doing and helped another costumer find his way around.

"What do you mean once a week?" Alex asked when they were ushering the last costumers of the day out to begin the process of closing for the night "I'll work the weekends too"

"But I won't. Mr. Strauss and I talked about my schedule after my possible hire. Since I've got school in the mornings too he said he'd manage the store alone in the mornings and I'd help in the afternoons. You'll work together on weekends, so you won't need me around"

"So he _is_ hiring you?" he asked, closing the office door and then waiting for Victor to step out of the shop before closing the lights and locking the place.

"As far as I know I'm still on probation, but he did ask for a copy of my ID and bank account information. I think he'll write me a short temporary contract and see how it goes from there" they started walking in the same direction.

"He did the same thing with me and three months later he didn't want me to leave" Alex commented, putting his hands in his pocket and keeping a slow pace. For every lack of skill he had in meeting new people, Alex found Victor was a very easy guy to talk to.

"He did warn me I had big shoes to fill" Victor said around a laugh "At first I thought he was just trying to scare me but then people started noticing your absence and I realized he'd been serious"

"I don't get what all the fuss is about" Alex said around a blush again. He really didn't like it when people praised him for his work "I just fill shelves and sell sports material"

"Who knows" the other boy replied thoughtfully. They kept walking in silence for a while.

Alex only gave him a general description of where he lived when Victor asked him, since they apparently needed to walk the same path, and only before Victor had answered the question himself. Alex wasn't about to pin point to someone he barely knew his exact address. He knew part of the reason he was so bad at making friends and meeting new people was because he didn't trust anyone.

Despite having met the guy the week before and training him for four days in a row, he knew practically nothing about him. Logically, Alex knew that if they didn't talk, if he shut the other guy off completely, like he was tempted to do, he'll never get around his issue.

His therapist had insisted on him joining a club or something, finding an activity outside of school and football to help him get in contact with other people. How else was he supposed to _'find a girl'_ and _'settle down'_ if he never allowed himself more than a few cordial words with anyone around him? The woman had asked and he'd agreed, but he'd never gotten around to doing anything about it.

His thoughts were again interrupted when Victor announced he need to take the next right, while Alex needed to keep going straight a few more blocks to get home.

"I'll see you around next week then?" Victor said, crossing the street and turning around once to wave him goodbye.

"Sure" Alex said and waved back.

They parted ways.

The moment he was alone, Alex quickened his steps. He wanted to get home and forget about things for a while. He so needed his next morning run. He went back to driving his thumb into the palm of his hand during the rest of the way home, and his fast pace combined with the gesture had him feeling anxious and stressed all over again.

What happened to feeling good for a while now? He'd had a great summer, he was excited about college, he was content with his football team. _What's the matter now?_ He asked himself rather harshly. He didn't know the answer.

When Alex arrived home, slightly breathless by how fast he'd been walking, Ben was already there. Of all the changes surrounding his life when he moved to Newcastle, having Ben around constantly was the easiest one of all. Not having to worry about him getting killed on a mission, or him going incomunicado for days, or spending weeks living on his own while the older man was out saving the world somewhere else.

Although Ben never truly talked about it, Alex knew he missed being a spy. The excitement of it all. Alex could somehow relate to that and considering Ben had chosen to risk his life for his country out of a sense of duty, even before he became a spy, back when he was still an SAS soldier, it was understandable that he would genuinely miss what might have been his true calling.

Being an accountant was easier, definitely safer but it also had to be absolutely boring. When Alex had asked him about it once, Ben said it was a stable job that allowed them to get by and it gave him the time he'd needed to be around more. With this job, Ben never stayed at the office later than 7:30 p.m. Since Alex graduated and got his own job, it was him the one to arrive last every day.

The blond had encouraged Ben to find a job that suited him more, but Ben had brushed the matter off saying he was where he wanted and needed to be at the moment. Alex never asked again. He sure appreciated the sacrifices and lengths the other man was always willing to go to on his behalf. They were brothers now and that's what family is supposed to do for each other. He just hoped he could one day repay the gesture.

"And the prodigal son returns!" Ben exclaimed upon his arrival and whatever Alex had been about to say died on his lips in confusion.

"What?" he asked, dropping his keys on the table. Ben was sitting on the couch working on his laptop.

"Mom called. Said she wanted to throw a big meal together this weekend to celebrate your first week of college" Ben explained "You know, all she ever did when _I_ got into college was remind me how she wasn't going to keep doing my laundry. She certainly wasn't throwing around banquets in my honor!"

Alex wanted to laugh. He should've laughed. He didn't.

"Right" he simply said and just stood there. He debated whether he was hungry enough to eat dinner or if he just wanted to crash on his bed. He had classes and practice the next day. Ben instantly picked up on his tense mood.

"You okay?"

"Can we fight?" Alex blurted out, ignoring Ben's question. Or maybe it was his way of giving an answer. Ben quirked his eyebrows.

"Right now?" Alex ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah. I don't know what's... I feel... Just, can we do it?" he asked exasperated. Ben frowned but put away his laptop.

"Sure. Let's go"

They both changed into their working out clothes and started warming up and stretching. The apartment had three bedrooms and the remaining one had been turned into their own personal gym. It wasn't stuffed with weight lifting or running machines, but it did hold a punching bag they could hang if they wanted and a few other things. What they mostly used the room for was sparring.

Since he'd gotten the idea he needed to keep up his fighting training so he wouldn't be caught off guard again, Alex had been an insistent pain in the ass about it. The first time he'd brought up the subject Ben had blatantly refused but eventually they'd managed a compromise: if Alex agreed to see a therapist, Ben would let him continue training. What neither of them had accounted for was the way Alex reacted the first time he had to spar with some else. Sparring meant being in close proximity with the other person and he hadn't been able to handle it at the time.

Ben had come up with a solution though. He'd transformed the room they were currently in into a space they could use to practice some moves. The floor had been matted down and so their fighting sessions had begun. After a while even Ben had to admit the arrangement helped keep him in shape as well.

"I'm ready" Ben announced and they got into position.

The room wasn't big enough for what they used it for and it made fighting a little awkward but they were used to it by now. They began circling each other and trading a few blows.

"Something on your mind?" Ben asked. Alex shrugged.

"No" the blonde dodged a fist and jumped over a leg.

"So you just got a sudden itch to fight? Out of nowhere, at 9 p.m.?" Ben tried for another left attack but it was blocked.

"Mhmm" Alex made an affirmative sound, not bothering with words. They were beginning to sweat. Ben's elbow connected lightly with his stomach but Alex managed to throw him to the floor after that. It was a good thing the man living on the apartment below was literally deaf.

"I'm not buying it" Ben deadpanned, getting back to his feet.

"Why not?" Alex asked intensifying his offense.

"You don't usually throw the first punch" this time Alex did laugh, but no humor reached his eyes. He kept pressing forward though.

"Maybe I just wanted to clear my head" he said a little breathlessly after a few minutes.

"About?"

"I don't know really. Everything's fine" Alex grunted when a move from Ben sent him crashing to the ground, but he rolled on his back and quickly got up to initiate another attack. One that ended with Ben holding his left side. They never seriously hurt each other, but they didn't really pull back either. In real life no one would hold their punches on their benefit, they would know, so they didn't do it either.

"What about work? Did you have to break in another rookie?"

"The new guy's actually cool" Alex replied, feeling the beginning of a headache settling behind his eyes.

"What is it then?" Ben made the mistake of asking and payed the price with a kick to his back after Alex jumped around him.

"I don't know!" instead of bringing the session to an end though, Ben fought back harder as well.

"Alright. You're feeling restless? Let's have at it. Come on!" the older man taunted and they began fighting for real.

Alex's therapist had given Ben a few pointers on how to handle Alex whenever he got like this. Instead of mollycoddle him, he was supposed to confront him and make Alex let out his frustrations. He doubted the woman was referring to an actual physical altercation and it isn't like Ben approved the use of violence to let out some steam, but Alex knew he was different. He had a skill set and knowledge not even many adults had and Ben had once explained he preferred to be the one providing him with the kind of controlled environment he could use to let out his frustration.

The blond was trying to focus on the present though, on giving and receiving thrusts that could now really harm anyone of them, but he couldn't help the thoughts running through his mind. Walking through the halls at school, running around the field chasing a ball, walking into an already packed store, meeting new people. Making friends. Soon enough his brain forgot he was just training and focused only on the fact that someone else was trading blows with him. He unconsciously pressed on.

It wasn't like he didn't know it was Ben dancing around his moves but hearing him edging him on only served to fuel his adrenalin.

When the other man came at him, Alex turned around, grabbing a hold of the arm extended his way. He bent down and flipped Ben into his back on the floor, coming to kneel on top of him and pulling his hand up, ready to strike down only to have his arm blocked at the last second and a foot pushing him off. He went flying over Ben, who followed him quickly to trap him on the floor with the weight of his body and placing and arm around his neck. He didn't put any pressure on it though.

Ben had officially won the fight. It was an extremely difficult position to get out from. But Alex wasn't tapping out.  
The blond let out a grunt when he felt Ben's weight crashing into his back trapping him against the floor. They were both breathing heavily and their bodies were rising and falling with their gasping breaths. One of Alex's arm had ended up crushed painfully under him and no matter how much he tried, he couldn't dislodge the hold the older man had on him. Alex cursed himself when he began to panic.

Therapy had made him come a long way in identifying when he was about to have a panic attack or a flashback and he'd even managed to maintain some semblance of situational awareness during the episodes, but not even therapy had made them go away. There were fewer of them now, but they still happened. He should've known that having another man at his back holding him down would be the perfect excuse for his brain to mess with him.

He began trashing desperately, kicking his legs out or pushing with his knees against the floor, traying to throw Ben off of him. He tried using his hips as leverage but that only made things worse. Even though there was no actual pressure on his neck, his throat was closed off and he couldn't ask Ben to let him go.

"Alex you're safe" Ben said, his voice gentle "You're in control here. You can tap out"

The blond scrunched his eyes shut and fought against the onslaught of memories. A different body against his, a different voice whispering threats against his ear. _I_ _own you. I own you_ _._

"Slow your breathing down and think brother" Ben coached him. The words managed to get through the haze before he was too far gone and Alex opened his eyes "That's it. Come on. Calm down. You just have to tap out"

Alex swallowed and with his heart still beating painfully in his chest he used his free hand to tap the mat three times. Ben instantly released him and sat down by his side, keeping a respectful distance. Alex closed his eyes again and pressed his forehead to the floor, breathing heavy but slowing down.

"Have you been using the words?" Ben asked gently to which Alex nodded. He began to chant them.

"I'm fine. I'm fine" he started, his voice merely a whisper "I have two arms and I have two legs. I can talk, I can walk. I'm fine" he said it two more times before picking himself off the floor and sitting down, one leg gathered close to his chest.

"You okay now?" Alex nodded. They stayed like that for a while, cooling down from the intense session and stretching muscles. After a while, Alex's voice sounded normal, if only a little tired.

"Remember I work on the afternoon over the weekends. The meal will have to be early"

"I'll make sure to tell mom that" Ben replied, offering his hand to help Alex off the floor.

After a quick shower, Alex was ready to end the night. He was tired and he'd sure be sore tomorrow, but he felt slightly better. _This_ was normal. He was fine.

Ben went to check on him before going to sleep himself. He assured the other man he felt better and didn't think he'd have a nightmare after how things had went down on their training, but Ben left his door open just in case.

"Any time you need that" Ben said softly "You only have to ask" he didn't even need to remind him since he'd done so on several times already. That's why he’d so readily agreed to Alex's request of a fight before even asking why and no matter the time.

"Good night Ben"

"Good night Cub" Alex smiled at the nickname. Ben had stopped using his nickname as often as he did. Maybe it had something to do with Alex turning 18 and being officially an adult, if only on paper. Alex felt like he'd grown a bit out of the nickname but sometimes it was comforting to hear the three-letter word. Like it was the only benign thing he'd gotten since he turned fourteen. He guessed no matter how old he got, he'd always be a cub to the rest of the guys of the unit, something they were all too happy to remind him every time they got together.

Thinking about K-Unit made him fall into unconsciousness, a blissful one, and he slept peacefully until 4 a.m. the following day, when he begun to get ready for his run.


	4. And breathing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy was this one of my favorite chapters to write. I really hope you like it!

The temperature began to drop when the calendar rolled from September to October, making Alex's morning runs require a heavier outfit and longer warm up periods. If there was something he couldn't afford to do was getting an injury for overworking stiff cold limbs. That would surely get him benched and they'd only just played the first game of the season.

The match had been the first Saturday of the month with a tie result, which meant they hadn't lost their first game, a good thing, but it also meant they hadn't won either. They had a lot of work ahead of them.

He'd also managed to survive his first wave of tests at college with grades decent enough to not have him too worried about finals at the end of the semester. If he kept up the same rhythm, he'd be passing all his courses with flying colors.

But the highlight of Alex's tight schedule, no surprise there, was going to work.

Having football and shifts on the weekends didn't leave Alex with much time for himself but he was beginning to get used to the idea. Most of his schoolwork he got it done during the week and he actually found himself clearing his calendar enough on Thursdays so he could arrive earlier at the store and work for more than just a couple of hours. Mr. Strauss had taken advantage of that by leaving him in charge every other Thursday and taking the day off for himself. More often than not, he and Victor ended up managing the store and closing the place by the end of the day.

After Victor's first two weeks of trial period, Mr. Strauss had asked Alex's opinion about finally hiring him or not. He didn't really feel like it was his place to make a decision like that, but he gave the man his most sincere opinion: Victor seemed like a hardworking guy with an exceptional way of charming people, since every costumer he attended always left the store with a smile on their face. And so the new guy had officially joined the team.

Alex had stopped being so formal and serious around him and, after a month of working together even if just once a week, he already felt much more comfortable around him than around some of the people at school, or even his own team.

Just the week before, Owen had decided to address the fact that Alex never stayed after practice to hang around with the guys and he never showered or changed in the locker room with them. The defender swore that the locker room was ' _a team bonding experience that allow_ _s_ _players to build a strong relationship that motivate_ _s_ _them to give a 1_ _10_ _% on the field for each other'_ , or something like that. Alex had just brushed the issue off, not interested in sharing the details of why he denied himself such a ' _team bonding experience'_.

Ever since he was fourteen and MI6 came into his life, his already poor social skills had been completely terminated when he was forced to endure the gossip and lies other students came up with to explain his sudden and constant illnesses and disappearing acts. Time after time all he'd ever received was suspicion and rejection. Whether it was from high schoolers spreading rumors about him, to the members of the SAS training camp making his stay miserable (yes, included K-Unit! At the time…) and the few senior agents he'd worked with on his missions. He was always looked down upon and cast aside for being different, for not only thinking outside the box but destroying the box completely. That, combined with the tragedies surrounding his young life, made him automatically retreat into himself and kind of ignore other people. It wasn't like he purposefully isolated himself, it was more like it wasn't worth the effort of integrating into society if he was just going to get rejected either way. It's not like people made the effort to include him either. But he was okay with that, he'd rather be alone than suffer at the hands of someone else. God knows he'd had enough of that.

So finding himself comfortable enough to make conversation with someone he spent barely a day with every week was new territory for him.

So far he knew Victor was 20 years old, a movie and pop culture addict and he actually played football on the same league Alex's college participated on. Depending on how the league went, their teams might end up playing against each other. He was a midfielder.

"Okay, so I was about to kick the ball when this other guy came out of nowhere. Knocked me flat on my back, but I swear the referee was blind or something. My coach was so mad he almost got himself kicked out of the game" Victor finished the story he'd been so animatedly telling, earning a chuckle from Alex.

They were in the middle of their shift and Mr. Strauss was out again. The day had been slow, no more that a few people coming and going, and since they were already done with their respective tasks, a very vivid recall of the rookie’s last game had begun.

"Uh oh! Look who's coming?" Victor whispered conspiratorially, wiggling his eyebrows in the direction of the door. Alex groaned when he saw Patty making her way to the nutritional supplements alley.

"Shut up" he told the other guy when he wouldn't stop laughing.

The minutes kept passing by, but thankfully around 7:15 p.m. things picked up a bit. Victor was busy helping some costumers by the basketball section while Alex carried a box of heavy weight lifting material over to the counter. The person who'd bought them wanted to return them.

"Did you bring the purchase invoice?" Alex asked the man.

"Did I have to?" the guy asked back to which Alex arched his eyebrows.

"I can't return the item if you don't show me the bill" he answered. That was common knowledge.

"But I bought this like two days ago. You must remember me"

"I don't work here every day, I probably didn't handle your purchase" Alex replied. His arms were getting tired of holding the heavy box and he was losing patience with the costumer.

"Well I must have left it at home" Alex stopped and turned around.

"Then you're gonna have to come back another day" he said.

"I don't have any other day. I'm free now" the guy answered rather rudely.

"I'm sorry but those are the rules"

"Listen, I don't like your attitude young man. You're the employee here, you're supposed to find a solution for me. I bought this stuff but they don't work like I thought they would. It's my right to return them and I don't have enough free time to come back another day" this had been one of the situations Alex was afraid Mr. Strauss wouldn't be around to handle himself. Despite how the man was talking to him, Alex remained polite.

"I understand that, but unfortunately I still need the invoice to validate the return of the product" Alex glanced around the store, not wanting the rise of temperature in the conversation to catch the attention of other costumers, and he was pleased to see that there weren't much people left.

"I understand that… _Sir_ " the man corrected and Alex froze "What do they teach kids in school these days? You have no respect for people. I want to talk to your supervisor! You won't make me come back another day just for a bloody piece of paper… hey kid!" the man called when Alex didn't answer back "You know what? Forget it! I'll keep it. Just don't expect me to come back here again"

The man took a sudden step forward to roughly manhandle the box out of Alex's arms. Alex flinched and dropped the box to the ground. The sound of its contents hitting the floor causing enough of a ruckus to send Alex's mind far, far away…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_"I'm n-not going to ca-call you ANYTHING!" he screamed and tried to grab Serhiy's arm, but his restrains prevented him from moving very far. He kept struggling madly, letting his anger fuel his actions but when he felt the weapon slide higher up his thigh, he froze. What was this guy doing?_

_And then it hit him._ I can make you hurt in places you've never been hurt before. _And his heart_ _all but stopped when he saw the look on the other man's face. "You can't do this" Alex said, failing to sound brave and just managing to sound scared._

_"Do what I want and I will stop before I get there" Serhiy answered, now waving the cattle prod dangerously close to Alex's crotch. All rational thought left the teen's mind when he thought about the kind of pain he would feel if Serhiy actually decided to press the cattle prod there._

_"Don't, you can't do this" he repeated and when the weapon finally came to rest on top of his crotch, he began to hyperventilate "Please! You can't. Don't do it, please!" it was torture, just lying there, waiting for the worst pain of his life to hit him but not quite getting there and just expecting it to happen at any second but having it not happening at all._

_"I told you, you would beg" Serhiy kept his finger off the current button but still applied some pressure down, making Alex gasp and try to wiggle out of his reach. "Tell me what I want to hear" he ordered, pressing down even harder, eliciting a grunt of pain from the blond._

_"Stop" Alex said, because the pressure was becoming really painful and the prospect of the current being turned on when the device was so forcefully close to him was making him slowly go mad from desperation and fear "You don't have to do this, just stop" and then he really begged "Please, not there. Don't do it there”_

_"Don't do it there… Sir" Serhiy corrected, but before he turned on the current, he took the cattle prod away from his crotch and thrusted it hardly into his stomach again._

_Alex flinched, having expected the pain to be all consuming down there and then having it being all consuming over his stomach rendered him momentarily stunned. Serhiy drove the cattle prod deeper into his stomach, enough to make just the stabbing of it painful, but when the current was left on… 10 seconds, 15 seconds, 20 seconds… Alex couldn’t take it._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Victor had just finished replacing the last item he'd sold over by the team sport's section when he heard loud voices coming from over the counter, followed by a loud crash. He hurried over and once the main hallway was in sight he saw a man angrily picking a box from the floor and stomping his way out of the store, not before he sent a curse to the blond boy in front of him.

Victor frowned and went over there to find out what the commotion was all about. When he saw the way Alex was holding himself: tense and rigid, he became concerned.

"You're whiter than a ghost man. You okay?" but the blond didn't answer him or gave any indication of having heard him at all "Alex?" he tried again to get his attention but to no avail.

He glanced around, making sure no one else was in the store but the sound of harsh breathing brought his focus back to his coworker. Alex's chest rose and fell as if he'd been running a marathon and his eyes were glassy and unfocused. When he put a hand on his shoulder, he noticed the tense muscles, wired like iron.

"Alex, what's going on?" but the blond kept seeing straight through him. He moved his hand up to cup the back of his neck and give him a little shake. The blond was starting to freak him out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The moment Alex felt pressure on his neck followed by a hard shake he began to regain his ground. Ever so slowly the image playing in a loop inside his brain gave way to tiny little dots of light that started to compose the picture of where he actually was. He felt short of breath and in the terrible need of oxygen.

Someone was calling for him, demanding his attention and forcing him back to the present. His gaze finally focused enough to land on the person standing in front of him and he gasped in surprise, taking a step back. But his step faltered, and his knees buckled. He would've fallen if not for the person holding him up, the new guy. Victor. His brain supplied and Alex found himself clinging to the other boy's arms when his vision threatened to black out. Victor gently deposited him on the floor giving Alex time to catch his breath and somewhat compose himself.

"Alex" he looked up at the mention of his name, not used to seeing such a serious frown on someone who spent the better part of the day smiling at everyone. He cleared his throat.

"I'm okay" he stated, even though he could feel a fine sheet of sweat cooling down on his skin and making him shiver.

"Yeah, allow me to disagree on that" Victor replied. He was crouching next to Alex, keeping a steading hand on his shoulder.

"I think I just had a sugar crash. I haven't eaten anything today" he lied. He hoped his excuse was convincing enough, he didn't feel like confessing to having random panic attacks.

"And Mr. Strauss actually thinks you're smart" the other boy admonished, getting back on his feet and helping Alex stand up as well. He wobbled once he was standing, so Victor had to bring his arm over his own shoulders and hold most of his weight while they shuffled to the office.

"Here, have some water" Victor offered once he'd guided the blond to sit on a chair.

Alex began to space out again and he looked dangerously close to passing out. Victor brought his hand up to squeeze the back of his neck again in an attempt to wake him up some more.

"Hey, you with me?" Alex opened his eyes at both the words and the shake, staring into the other boy's face before swallowing almost compulsively. He nodded.

"Should I call your brother to come pick you up? I can close the store if you want"

"No need" Alex shook his head, sipping on the water bottle he'd been given "I'll be fine"

"What you need is some sugar in your blood" Victor said, again with a tone of admonishment "I think I may have something in my bag. Wait here"

When he was done rummaging through his things, he came back opening a wrap and offering the sweet to him. It was a peppermint.

Alex bolted. At the sight of it, his stomach had rolled and he barely made it in time to the trash can beside the desk before painfully emptying the contents of his stomach inside. The foul taste of bile bringing the sting of tears to his eyes. He hated throwing up. A second later he felt a hand on his forehead helping him hold the weight of his head and another around his chest keeping him from faceplanting into the floor, trashcan and all. He hadn't noticed he'd been already tipping forward until the hands pulled him back a little.

When he was sure he was done heaving, he dislodged himself from the hold and leaned back against the desk.

"Sorry" he apologized, embarrassed by such a display of weakness "I wasn't expecting that"

"It's okay" Victor replied with a frown, peppermint discarded on the floor "I really think you should call your brother though"

Alex was about to refuse again when someone called to be helped out. Victor rolled his eyes in annoyance and the sight was so foreign on his face it made Alex smile.

"I'll be right back"

Alex took advantage of the time alone to gather his composure and stand up on his own. _This has been quite a show already_ _,_ he thought. He rinsed his mouth and spit on the trashcan before closing the bag. He'd dump it on his way home.

There wasn't that much time left to close the store and Vict's costumer would probably be the last one of the day. Alex surprised himself thinking the shorter version of his coworker's name but shrugged it off.

Twenty minutes later they were both making their slow way home.

"Are you sure you're feeling better?"

"For the hundredth time: yes!" the blond replied, giving an eye roll of his own in the other boy's direction. They'd argued about Alex needing a ride home or being strong enough to walk but eventually his stubborn streak had won.

"Well excuse me for being a little worried. It's not like you almost passed out or anything" Alex frowned at the lack of humor in what should've been a snarky comment. He remained quiet though, until they reached the intersection where they usually parted ways and instead of going right, Victor kept on walking.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked, slowing down to a stop.

"I'll walk you home" the other boy replied.

"There's no need, really. I'm fine" Alex insisted. He was already feeling enough like a damsel in distress. He didn't need to be walked home too.

"Oh I'm not gonna risk you potentially dying on the streets when I could've made sure you arrived home safe. Mr. Strauss would kill me, and then he'd fire me" now _there_ was some of the usual joking tone in his voice, Alex was glad to notice.

"He wouldn't do that. You're already a star employee"

"Flattery will get you nowhere. I'm going. I appreciate it though!" and they kept walking, past Victor's turn and further into Alex's way home.

Alex had to admit that, embarrassment aside, he was glad he didn't have to be alone right now. He wasn't lying when he said he felt physically better, but he was still rattled by the events of barely an hour ago. Right now, home was the only place he'd feel safe enough to calm down, though he has to admit he was handling things better than expected. He wondered why.

"Make sure to eat something before you go to bed" Victor said when Alex announced they'd arrived.

"Yes, mother" the blond replied back and the comment earned him the bright smile that had eluded the other boy since the incident at the store. Alex was glad to see the worry leaving Victor's features, but what he couldn't quite understand was why he felt so comforted by that.

On his way up the stairs Alex felt whatever calm he'd managed to achieve slipping away and his hand was trembling by the time he turned the key to his apartment and stepped inside. Ben wasn't home.

 _Great_.

With shaking fingers he texted him and groaned when the answer rang on his phone. _Perfect timing Ben_ _,_ he thought, y _ou couldn't have picked another day to work in late_.

Alex turned on every light and the TV. He sat on the couch until sometime later the front door opened to reveal a tired looking Ben. Alex sprang to his feet and he was about to blurt out what had happened at work when he noticed that Ben didn't just look tired, he looked worn out. Alex hesitated.

"Hey bud" the older man said "Please tell me dinner's ready. I'm starving!" Alex's heart sank in his stomach. The rule was whoever arrived home first had to make dinner. Given their routines, Ben was usually the one to handle that and Alex felt incredibly guilty that he'd forgotten on one of the few days it was his responsibility, and all because he couldn't look beyond his own problems. He scurried over to the kitchen.

"I'm sorry Ben! I forgot. I'll make something quick though. Don't worry" his brother assured him that it was fine, though he left Alex on the kitchen to handle dinner by himself while he got changed.

The blond started fumbling with different ingredients, his mind too scrambled to decide what to cook. He didn't want to keep burdening Ben with the same old problems, but his hands were shaking so badly now that he was afraid he'd chop off a finger.

His phone beeped unexpectedly. He had a text message.

Victor New Rookie

The name he'd used to save the contact on his phone bringing an image of the person in question to the center of his mind.

_*Are you alive?*_

The message read. Alex stared at it for a while before typing a reply.

_*And breathing...*_

And he actually was. He found he could take in a deep breath and release it slowly. _I'm fine. I'm fine..._

A few minutes later his phone beeped again.

_*Make sure to keep it that way*_

A small smile broke through his state of agitation at hearing the amused tone underneath the words. Leave it to Victor to say something serious while joking about it.

He heard Ben making a mess in the bathroom and picked up his pace with the food, now with much steadier hands.

"Every end of the month leaves a ton of work at the firm. Fees to be charged, salaries to pay. It's hell" the older man complained when they eventually sat down to eat "What about you? Anything worth telling?"

"Not really" Alex replied easily and, contrary to how it'd been for the past years, he felt lighter _not_ telling Ben the truth. If he could manage to avoid him another cause of concern, then it was worth it. Besides, he was better now.

Later that night Alex laid awake in bed unable to shake a different kind of uncertainty from his thoughts. He was surprised at how he'd ended up getting over his flashback so quickly. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and scrolled through his recent messages. The ones from Victor standing out first.

He read them again, and again, and again. How could two little text messages, no more than ten words combined, be able to stop what would've surely developed into another panic attack? He couldn't understand what it was about the guy that made him feel at peace.

He meant to touch the name of the sender to go to his contact information but his finger must have slipped, because the call button was pressed instead.

"Shit" Alex cursed and hit the end call button several times before the call could go through. As it was his luck, the screen froze and no matter how much he tried, the device wouldn't respond "Shit, shit, shit" he sat up in bed.

" _Hello?_ " he heard the answer on the other end of the line, the voice small and high through the receiver. Alex's heart was thumping by the unexpectedness of it " _Alex?_ "

"Ye-yeah. Hi" he felt as frozen as the screen of his phone.

" _I trust you're feeling better. Is there anything I can do for you?_ " he sounded different on the phone.

"No, sorry. I was just..." what was he supposed to say? _Hey, I was staring at your messages and pressed the call button by mistake, please forget I called_ "I wanted to thank you for helping me out today. I'm better now" he decided to say instead, which wasn't a total lie.

" _Cool. That's good_ " Alex then noticed the time.

"I'm sorry I bothered you so late. What are you doing up anyway?"

" _Ugh, my worst nightmare!_ " now that sounded more like him " _I have to write an essay in French for tomorrow and I'm not even half way done_ " Alex was confused.

"I thought you were majoring in mechanics?"

" _Took French as an elective. Look, I'm really sorry to cut this short but I need to finish this_ " the other boy blurted.

"It's okay. I shouldn't bother you anymore" Alex replied, glad the call would end soon.

" _You're really okay though?_ " Victor asked.

"I'm fine" and then the call was ended.

Alex was able to breathe normally again. He laid back down and pressed the crook of his arm against his eyes.

W _hat's the matter with me?_ He asked himself when after several minutes, his heart hadn't slowed down the frenetic pace it had gotten since the call had gone through.

He decided he was better off not dueling about it thought. It had been an odd few weeks. Better yet, it had been an odd whole month and maybe whatever confusion he was failing to put a name on was a result of that. He still needed time to adapt. That was all.

He ended up falling into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Any thoughts? 😃


	5. It’s Daniels!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for another chapter? Here it goes: enjoy!

Next Thursday, Alex was the one to find an excuse to start the conversation.

"Question..." he said when they coincided by the football wall.

"Shoot" Victor replied, not breaking concentration on his task.

"Why would you take French if it's your worst nightmare?" he asked, leaning against the wall and watching Victor work pensively. Victor chuckled.

"For starters, it'll never stop being that unless I learn it" Alex hummed "And besides! It's the language of love! If I'm gonna romance my way to someone, I have to know how" Victor finished explaining excitedly.

"So that's why you took it? To _'romance your way to someone'_?" Alex joked.

"Maybe" Victor replied. Alex didn't know why he smiled.

"Has it worked?"

"I'll let you know when it does"

Alex's attention was called away by a costumer and Victor had already moved two hallways when they were free enough to keep talking.

"I could probably help you. If you need it. With French" why was he offering? He asked himself.

"Are you joking? You speak French?" Victor sounded surprised.

"A little bit, yeah" Alex replied modestly, knowing full well he spoke the language like a native.

"My next test is in two weeks. I'll take you up on that offer" he said, a victory smile on his face.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Three days later Alex's phone was going off like crazy with incoming texts from Victor. The blond had been trying for the last half hour to explain via text the right way to create interrogative sentences, but the task was almost impossible.

The next time they found themselves walking home after work, Alex made sure to tell him that.

"French really isn't your thing" he stated, he was half joking and half not.

"And you don't think I know that?" Victor complained, getting a few steps ahead of Alex and walking backwards "That's why I need your help man. I'll be annoying you endlessly until I pass the test" Alex just laughed "No, seriously, I'm warning you. You'll get tired of me and probably tell Mr. Strauss to fire me"

"You wouldn't be the most annoying person I know. You're okay" Alex replied, instantly thinking about Eagle and his tendency to annoy people into doing what he asked.

"Alright then. Don't say I didn't warn- _huh_ " Victor lost his balance when someone bumped into him at the corner of the street.

"Oh, sorry man! Didn't see you" the guy was older than them, probably close to thirty. He was dressed a little haggardly and he looked jumpy.

"That's ok—”

"You wouldn't happen to have a couple of pounds there, would you?" the man interrupted him, anxiously rubbing his hands together. The man then turned to Alex "What about you, huh?"

"Sorry, no" the blond said and began to walk away. He could recognize a junkie when he saw one. It wasn't uncommon to find one wondering the streets at night. It was when he heard the man's voice again that he noticed Victor not following him.

"It's just a couple of pounds!" he said raising his voice and waving his hands in front of the taller boy.

"You heard him" Victor said and tried to step around. The guy didn't let him, stepping on his way again.

"You must have some!" the guy was showing clear signs of abstinence and he was getting loud.

"Victor come on" Alex urged and the other boy tried again to keep walking. He was stopped.

"It's just a couple of pounds! I need them!" he said, holding Victor by the front of his jacket and shaking him a bit.

"Hey!" both boys exclaimed. Alex walked back to them, but not in time to prevent the man from pushing Victor hard and sending him crashing to the ground.

"Give me your wallet!" but he didn't have time to search Victor's pockets because Alex was into him in a flash.

He pushed the man away from the downed boy and forced him against the wall of a building. The guy tried to fight, but he was no match for Alex and he was in no condition to even attempt coordinated swings. Alex avoided them all and gave him a few of his own. Not enough to seriously hurt, but enough to send the guy running away from them.

"Get lost!" Alex said, kicking the man's butt when he ran away. He wasn't even breathing hard "Vict, you okay?" he asked, turning around to find the other boy still on the floor, watching him with his mouth open.

"When did you become Spiderman?" Victor asked with an awed look while Alex crouched down in front of him. The blond rolled his eyes and offered his hand.

"You can be dumb sometimes. Did you know that?" he pulled the other boy up.

"I do aim to achieve" the brown-ginger head said, a satisfied smirk on his face that was quickly replaced by a wince when he put some weight on his leg.

"Seriously, you okay?" Alex asked, some concern seeping into his tone.

"I landed a little hard but I'm fine. Now, really, how did you do that?"

"I do self-defense with my brother" Alex explained. It was as close to the truth as it could get "It's a hobby"

"Well, color me impressed. That was badass!" Victor exclaimed before finally resuming their walk.

"I just shoved him around a little" Alex said, not used to liking it when someone praised him like that and blushing as a result. It wasn't lost on him that they'd just missed Victor's turn, but none of them addressed that. For some reason, Alex didn't mind.

"Whatever you say Mr. Miyagi"

"Shut up" he said without real heat while Victor laughed the rest of the way to Alex's building.

When they said their goodbyes and Victor started to walk back, he turned around.

"You know... I'm beginning to think you bring good luck" he said, a smile on his face. Alex's mind was blank for a moment. If there was something he'd never had in his life was good luck. The statement was so bizarre he couldn't help but ask.

"How do you reckon?"

"Let's see: I got a new job, I may pass French and I got saved from a gruesome death" Alex laughed.

"He was hardly a threat!"

"I still could've died!" Victor replied, feigning outrage.

"Just make sure you don't die on your way home. I wouldn't want to train a new rookie. It's exhausting" Victor laughed.

"I'll try" and then he left.

Alex went upstairs.

After dinner, Alex grabbed his phone.

_*Are you alive?*_

He asked, wanting to make sure the other boy had arrived home alright.

_*And ready to fight another day*_

Alex rolled his eyes at the theatrics and turned his attention back to the schoolwork he still had to finish.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

For a guy who's supposed to bring good luck, the next week didn't go so great for him.

His team lost the game that weekend and their coach was being harder than usual, so he was tired. The weather was getting colder and colder, and getting up early to go running just left him even more exhausted. One morning at the beginning of the week he seriously considered skipping his run but decided against it at the last minute. He wouldn't break his routine.

School was fine, if not a little busy; and work went on like usual, except now he spent more time talking than not.

It felt good, having someone to talk to about anything and nothing at all. Vict and him would sometimes argue about movie plots and songs. They'd discuss costumers and work. Narrate each other's games and work on Vict's French.

Alex guessed he shouldn't have been surprised when it happened. They'd actually taken longer than he thought they would. That didn't mean that when he saw Crawley enter the store, his blood hadn't turned cold. The man had chosen the last working hour of the day to make an appearance and made brief eye contact with Alex before heading into one of the hallways.

"Rider" he greeted when Alex finally joined him, after making sure Vict wasn't near enough to hear them.

"It's Daniels now" the blond replied with a no-nonsense tone "What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"I'm checking up on you. Making sure you're alright" the man replied, his expression devoid of any emotion, as always.

"That'd be a first" Alex spat "I'm fine. Mission accomplished"

"Are you doing well in school?" Alex crossed his arms across his chest.

"Cut it out Crawley, what do you want?" he was unmistakably angry and he had no qualms about showing this man exactly how unpleasant his visit was.

"The Royal and General would like to extend a proposition" the man answered, unfazed by the blond's attitude.

"No" 

"We feel you've been given enough space to recuperate from your most recent incidents and since you're 18 now, we can offer you—"

"I'm not going to work for you!" Alex stated with heat, not even letting Crawley finish his sentence.

"It would be irresponsible of you to deny your country the skill set you can offer. It is our duty to serve our country when we can" the man was clearly trying to guilt trip him into accepting.

"You're unbelievable! Haven't I already done enough? My _'most recent incidents'_ ended with me almost dead. I'm not gonna go back to that" he spat. He saw Crawley flicker his eyes to something behind Alex and when he turned around, he saw Vict staring at them from the corner, hesitantly making his way to them "There's nothing you can hold over me now. I'm an adult. You can't force me to go with you, so why don't you go back to Ms. Jones and let her know I strongly declined?" he added quickly, lowering his voice.

"We can always keep trying, Rider. You're too valuable to give up on" the man answered, glancing once more to the approaching boy.

"It's _Daniels!_ " Alex blurted out, his patience wearing thin.

"Is everything okay here?" Vict asked when he reached the pair. Alex lifted his chin and regarded Crawley with fire in his eyes.

"The man here was asking for directions. He was lost" Alex said, daring Crawley to say something back.

"I found the store rather interesting though. I may take a look around" Alex sent him a murderous glare.

"Can I help you with anything?" out of the corner of his eyes, Alex saw Vict offering Crawley the warm smile he offered every other costumer and his blood boiled.

"He was just leaving. Right?" at least Crawley had the decency to nod.

"I do have to be on my way. I may come back another day to take a look at what you can offer" before Alex could stop himself, he barked.

"Don't bother"

While Crawley walked away from them towards the exit, Alex was unable to take his eyes off the man's back. What a nerve! To show up after all this time to offer him a job? Did they actually think there was any reason for him to go back?

"What was that about?" Victor asked, but his focus remained on the retreating figure until he made his way past the door and into the street, his eyes glued to the door and his thoughts running a mile per minute. Victor put a hand on his shoulder to call his attention and ended up placing it at the back on his neck when the motion didn't work "Alex!" the blond snapped his eyes to him and could see the surprise on the taller boy's face when he saw the amount of hatred in his expression. Alex pushed Victor's hand away.

"It was nothing" he said, his voice harder than he'd ever used it around him.

"That was clearly not nothing" Victor answered back, following Alex who had started walking towards the counter "Who was that guy?"

"I can close the store on my own tonight. You can go home now" Victor arched an eyebrow both at the evasion of the question and the order.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" the other boy asked, as if Alex was just another costumer, the blond thought.

"Yes, you can take your things and go home. I'll close the store" Victor frowned but somehow knew not to insist.

"Okay. Whatever you say"

Alex watched the other boy leave the store and he let out a sigh. He was so angry he could hit someone and he really didn't want to let his anger out on Victor. He needed something else.

Alex closed the store and ran home, the run helping to calm his racing thoughts.  
Once he arrived, he went straight to the sparring room. He didn't want to fight Ben, he just wanted to hit something so he hang the punching bag up and put on some gloves. He didn't even stretch before trying to murder the bag.

Ben had given him a few minutes to himself, but it wasn't a surprise that he peeked his way into the room and leaned with his arms crossed against the wall.

"I'm not gonna ask if there's something wrong. There obviously is" Ben said and Alex kept swinging his fists, imagining Crawley's face instead of the bag "Are you gonna tell me what it is or do I have to guess?" Alex kept hitting but knew there was no point in denying or withholding the information. This, Ben needed to know.

"M" he started, never ceasing his movements.

"I" punch.

"Freaking" another hit.

"6" punch, double kick.

He told Ben between breaths what Crawley had said to him, the offer they'd made, while the older man went from leaning on the wall to grabbing a hold of the punching bag and keeping it steady for Alex.

"You didn't...?" Ben asked after Alex was done explaining.

"Of course I said no! I basically told him to go fuck himself before kissing Ms. Jones' ass, the bloody idiot" despite the anger permeating the room, Ben laughed hard at that.

"What the hell is so funny?" Alex asked, finally done with his assault on the bag and wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"Nothing. Just good to hear you use your words for a change" Ben replied with a smirk on his face, not at all fazed by Alex's uncharacteristic choice of words "What do you say we forego cooking and head out to eat? This is cause for celebration!" Alex looked at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Are you nuts? What is there to celebrate? MI6 is back on our tail"

"You royally telling someone to kiss ass!" Ben said and even Alex couldn't hold the twitch of his lips "Don't worry about them. We're covered back and front. They can't do anything"

"Let's hope not..."

They really went out to have dinner at their usual restaurant and after a couple of hours and Ben's reassurances, Alex felt better. Less angry. He was still rattled by Crawley's visit and sometimes he would search their surroundings in case he caught a glimpse of someone watching them, but there was no one.

He replayed the afternoon's events in his head and felt a pang of guilt when he remembered the way he'd treated his coworker when all the other boy had intended was to help. He couldn't wait one week to apologize in person, so he took his phone.

_*Do you still need help with your test?*_

He asked, remembering Vict's exam was on Monday. It took a while for the answer to arrive and somehow the amount of time it took for the other boy to reply was making him anxious.

*Yes! I’m literally dying here _*_

Good, he didn't sound mad.

_*I'm free tomorrow early afternoon*  
*If you want*_

He offered, hoping the other boy would agree.

_*Lunch's on me then*_

Victor typed back, in French, or at least in what he thought was French. Alex laughed.

_*Deal*_

"You know, you're supposed to be walking out of adolescence, not still be stuck at it" Alex looked across the table at Ben, not understanding what he was trying to say "And yet you still have mood swings like you were fifteen" Alex laughedawkwardly.

"What are you talking about?"

"An hour ago you could still kill someone with a look, now you have a goofy smile on your face" Ben explained.

"I do not!" Alex denied immediately, surprised and feeling caught, not exactly sure why though.

"Do too! So what gives?"

"You're imagining things" Alex said, leaning back from the table when a waiter came to clean their plates.

"Who was that on the phone?" Ben asked, now he was the one with a goofy smile.

"What? No one" Alex replied, starting to get defensive. _Why?_

"Obviously not no one"

"It's just Tom alright? You know how he is, he sent me a joke" why did he feel the need to lie? Why not just tell him it was Vict murdering French in a spectacular way?

"Right" Ben said, deciding to drop the subject and paying for the meal.

They got up and made their way home, but not before Alex checked his phone again.

_*See you tomorrow then*_

This time he consciously held back the smile threatening to make its way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else hates MI6 like I do?


	6. Why?

Alex could swear time slowed down the minute he sat down on his last lesson of the day. The clock seemed to tick backwards every time he glanced at it and his leg was getting tired of bouncing up and down rapidly under his desk.

He and Victor had agreed to meet up in a burger's place close to the shop so the other boy could arrive at work without delay. They had approximately three hours between school and work to eat and study.

Alex was, not exactly nervous, but anxious, hence the clock ticking by so slowly. He wasn't used to engaging in social activities, because it was one thing to interact with someone at work and another to do it at lunch. Of all the things he'd faced in his life: missions, sociopaths, killers, soldiers... He felt more terrified about having lunch with someone than any of those things. He could just hope things didn't turn awkward.

When the time came, he arrived at the place first and was taking a look at the menu when the seat across from him was taken by his coworker, who dumped himself unceremoniously on the seat before resting his head on the table.

"We haven't even started and you already look dead" Alex commented, laughing when Victor sat upright and almost growled at him.

"Three days! I have three days to learn this or I _will_ be dead, for real"

"Come on, we'll make it" Alex encouraged him and handed him the menu so they could order, eat and study.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"It sounds like this: _j'ai volé ta dernière frite_ " Alex instructed and then Vict repeated it.

"Alright, and what does that mean?" Vict asked and Alex couldn't stop his laughter while he translated.

" _I_ _stole your last french fry_ _”_ Vict looked down at his plate, then at Alex's and he longed forward "Uh uh! Keep your hands on your fries!" Alex halted him by grabbing his wrist and holding it midair while the other boy tried to break free.

"Tell that to yourself! You owe me!" another hand went flying up, only to be stopped too.

"Ask me in French and I'll let you go. I'll even give you a fry" Vict twisted his arms on Alex's hands and sighed when there was no other way out than to comply.

"You're evil" Vict stated, letting his arms drop to the table, still trapped by Alex.

"I'm a good teacher, that's what I am"

"Whatever" the other boy said, rolling his eyes and then putting together a few words and saying them out loud. Alex released him.

"We should be thankful your test is written because your pronunciation sucks" Alex said, fishing a fry from his plate and offering it to him.

"Gee, I can see the wisdom of your methods. Insult the guy that's trying to learn" Alex laughed.

"I got you to ask the question, didn't I? I'd say interrogative sentences are a check on the list. I'm like your Yoda" Alex said with a smug grin on his face, leaning back on his seat and finishing the last fries scattered on his plate. When he glanced up, he found Vict watching him with a smirk on his face but also with a frown. They stared at each other for a moment before Alex asked.

"What?"

"Nothing" the other boy said and this time it was him who stole Alex's last fry.

"Vict!" the blond admonished.

"So when are you going to teach me how to conquer someone? It can't be that hard" Alex laughed, he was sure laughing a lot today.

"With the way you speak? You'll be conquering a deaf heart"

"Oi! What's so hard about _je t'aime_? _Je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime_. I'm saying it right, aren't I?"

" _This_ you actually pronounce right" Alex shook his head.

"It's an important phrase. Not something you say to just anyone so it has to sound right" this time it was Alex who stared at Vict for a moment. If the other boy noticed, he didn't comment on it "Have you ever said it to anyone?" he asked.

"What, in French?" Alex asked back.

"In general" Vict stated firmly and waited for an answer.

"Sure, to my brother sometimes" the blond replied drumming his fingers on the table. He didn't want the conversation to steer towards his family. He wasn't expecting the turn it took though.

"I mean like to a girlfriend" Vict corrected and Alex chuckled nervously.

"I'm not gonna discuss my love life with you" he stated, taking a sip of his coke just to have something to do "We should get back on topic"

"What? Don't be boring! We're friends now, we can talk about these things"

"What makes you think we're friends?" Alex asked using anything at his disposal to change the topic of conversation.

"You call me Vict now" the other boy stated simply "In my book, that makes us friends. Now, answer the question" Alex sighed.

"I've never really had a girlfriend..." he said somewhat embarrassed.

"A boyfriend then?" Vict asked wriggling his eyebrows. Alex laughed.

"No. I dated this girl for a little while but life got complicated" he explained vaguely.

"Is life still complicated?" they were definitely off topic now, French test apparently forgotten.

"It's not easy"

"Life's never easy, but is it better than it was?" what was it with the questions?

"It's different" again, they stared at each other in silence, each one analyzing the conversation they were having until apparently Vict decided the subject had become serious enough and they needed to get back on track, for which Alex was grateful.

An hour later they were heading to the store. Mr. Strauss was there, taking inventory in the office and he regarded the boys warmly, offering Alex to stay and work a few hours if he wanted but the blond had to decline, reminding him he had practice later on and some schoolwork to do. They said their goodbyes.

A few minutes later, when he was on his way home his phone beeped.

* _Thanks for the help_ *

* _Any time. Don't let Mr. Strauss catch you with the phone_ *

* _;)_ *

Alex rolled his eyes.

They made plans to meet up again the next day. Vict's test was 60% of his final grade and he needed all the help he could get. Alex didn't mind, he'd actually had some fun during lunch, contrary to what he'd thought would happen. His coworker —friend, his brain corrected, was so easy to talk to that he didn't have to worry about awkward silences and pauses in conversation.

But despite being the one to ask for another study session, Vict cancelled the following morning. It was Saturday and Alex didn't see the message until after the game but he didn't think much of it. Maybe Vict was better prepared than he thought for the test.

He was in a good mood. His team won the match and he'd played fairly well, earning a praise from the coach. He didn't mind his schedule getting free to eat lunch and get ready for work without hurry. He'd ask Vict how the test went on Monday.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

At the beginning of the week he called Mr. Strauss. He wanted to start working Tuesdays as well. The man was thrilled about the request, though he did ask Alex if he was sure the extra time wouldn't affect his other activities. He wanted to have Alex working as much as he could but he also didn't want him to start slacking at school. Alex assured him he'd be fine and promised to step down if he found he couldn't handle it all.

At 5 p.m. on Tuesday, he made his way into the shop.

Mr. Strauss didn't take the day for himself, so it was the three of them going around the place doing different tasks. Having the boss around meant Alex and Vict couldn't talk as freely as they were used to, but Alex did manage to ask about the test. Vict shrugged and said he was confident he could pass but wouldn't be scoring any high grades. It was fine though, passing was the goal, he'd said and then went on with his work.

He was acting different. Less chatty and jovial. He looked tired, Alex noticed but he didn't bring himself to ask why. It wasn't his business to pry and everyone was allowed to have an odd day, he sure had many. The day went on quietly.

It was Thursday when he noticed.

They were alone in the store, Mr. Strauss making use of his now usual free afternoon and Vict was organizing the products on one of the upper shelves when Alex saw it. His t-shirt went up whenever he lifted his arms to reach the shelve and a dark shape could be seen on his stomach, a little over his left side.

Alex did a double take, but it was unnecessary, he could recognize a bruise when he saw one. It didn’t look recent, but it wasn't faded either and it wasn't small. Alex debated himself whether to ask about it or not, but Vict had said it the other day: they were friends now, right? Friends got concerned and asked when the other person showed up to work with a giant bruise on their side.

"How did you get that?" he asked bluntly, signaling the dark spot with his fingers. Vict looked down at where his shirt had revealed the bruise and his expression morphed into one of a deer caught in headlights. Maybe it was the suddenness of Alex's observation that didn't give him time to avoid the subject or tell him anything other than the truth.

"Ammm... I kind of got into a fight with someone. But it was stupid and this is nothing" he said, gesturing to his middle.

"Doesn't look like nothing"

"Well, it is" noticing the rare hard tone of his voice, Alex tried to bring the conversation back to their usual way of talking.

"It was nothing or you didn't fight back because you didn't know how?" he asked, forcing his voice to sound light even though there was nothing funny about this. Thankfully, Vict took the life raft thrown at him.

"Excuse me, I may not be all Daniel-san like you are but I can defend myself. You should see the other guy" Alex laughed.

"Is that so? Let's see those moves then" Vict looked at him like he'd lost his mind.

"Right now? We're working" for someone so used to playing around, he seemed awfully conservative today.

"We're almost closed" Alex replied and moved to a more open space inside the store, getting into a fighting stance to indicate the other boy he was serious enough "Come on!" Vict looked uncertain but went on with it after Alex's insistence.

They stood face to face.

"Block my fist" Alex ordered, swinging his left fist in a hook towards Vict's face, the movement slow and choreographed. Vict ducked and Alex's arm flew over his head "I said block it, not dodge it. Blocking it allows you to grab a hold of your opponent's arm, keep him in close proximity enough to hit back and then take a step away to resume your initial stance"

Vict rolled his eyes but told him to swing again. This time he tried to block the blond's fist, but Alex found a way to escape first. He chuckled at Vict's resigned expression. "Here, let me show you. When I move, you swing your arm up in an arc, block my arm forearm to forearm, take a hold of it quickly with your hand. Then you turn around, your free arm traps mine against your side and your elbow flies back to hit me in the face. Got it?" while Alex explained every move, he slowly acted the part until he was the one with his back against Vict, trapping his arm and faking the elbow strike. By the moment he realized how close the two of them were he cleared his throat and stepped way. A small frown on his face when he noticed he hadn't panicked at having another person pressed so close to his back.

"Alright, let me try" Vict said, sounding genuinely curious for the first time that day.

They got into position and Alex attacked. Every move was slow and calculated until Vict turned around to bring his elbow up. The moment he did, Alex maneuvered himself out of his grasp and stepped away.

"And this is how you break that hold" he said, a smirk on his face.

"That's not fair! As soon as I learn something, you change the end"

"That's the way to learn. Fights are fast and mostly unpredictable. A lot of it involves inventing your own moves. You have to get creative" Alex explained, going back to his initial position when Vict beckoned him over.

"You want creative? I'll give you creative!" Alex smiled and they practiced the move again, and again, and again. Each time Alex managed to break the hold until Vict finally learned from it and twisted before Alex could. He pushed him against the counter and Alex just had a second to notice that Vict's body was flushed against his before pushing back and rolling away. He stopped when he heard Vict's cry of pain and saw him hunched over himself holding his middle. Alex's heart was beating wildly, and it wasn't due to fear. _Why? Why?_ He asked himself. He was breathing harder now than when he'd chased away that junkie the other night on their way home.

"You okay?" he asked, worried that in his slight moment of panic, that had nothing to do with his usual panic at all, he'd pushed harder than he thought. Vict straightened up.

"Yes. You just hit the bruise" the taller boy answered.

"We should... We should probably go. It's past eight" Alex announced, running a hand through his hair and swallowing a knot in his throat.

Vict didn't say anything back, just began putting away a few things to leave the store organized.

  
The silence was deafening. Whenever Alex got quiet, Vict would always fill in the void talking about anything, trying to get Alex to engage in conversation, but this time Vict was silent too.

Their walk home was tense. There was something about the way the impromptu fighting lesson ended that was weighting down on both of them, but neither of them were making an effort to address it, until they arrived at the intersection where they would continue their way home alone and Alex asked.

"Are you okay?" he signaled Vict's bruise, but the other boy avoided the question with one of his own.

"Are you?" Alex frowned. Why wouldn't he be? He thought.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" Vict shook his head, a small smile playing across his lips. This smile was new. It wasn't the bright one dedicated to costumers or used when joking around. This one was smaller, less bright and, somehow, more real.

"Nah. It was already hurting, you just pressed on it a bit" he was already walking away "Will you come in on Tuesday?"

"I guess, yeah" Alex replied and waved back before resuming his walk.

He was in no hurry to get home. His brain was acting weird, sending foreign signals to his body. His heart was still beating faster than usual and his hands were sweating.

_Why?_

The air was cool and he'd been walking slowly, no need to feel exerted in any way. If he didn't know better, he'd believe he'd gotten nervous around Vict. But, did he? Know better? He shook his head, discarding the idea and focusing on putting one foot in front of the other until he arrived to the apartment. But thoughts of the other boy would sometimes break through his concentration and he had to berate himself all over again. It was a long way up the stairs.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He arrived late for dinner.

The food was sitting cold on the table and had to be reheated before he and Ben sat down to eat. Ben asked why he'd arrived so late, not used to Alex breaking his tightly controlled schedule, to which Alex only replied that he wasn't used to breaking it either. The truth was he'd completely forgotten about the clock while he'd been fake fighting with Vict, something that usually didn't happen, but he didn't give away the reason behind his distraction. He knew how it would sound. Or, did it have to?

Dinner was quiet.

They sat down together to watch TV. Ben switching through channels until he found the late-night news. It also wasn't usual for Alex to sit through the news. He could watch sports, shows, movies, even cartoons, but he didn't like to watch the news. If he'd chosen to stay, then he was asking for company, in his own way.

"What's on your mind kid?" Ben asked, knowing Alex wouldn't be the first to volunteer his thoughts.

"You don't get to call me kid anymore" the blond replied, trying to fake a light mood he obviously didn't have.

"You're younger than me, you'll always be a kid"

"Let me tell you, from the moment I turned 18–”

"Don't change the subject, Al. What's on your mind?" Alex got quiet again, recognizing that Ben wouldn't stop asking until he got an answer. He took his time though, not sure how to phrase his doubts.

"Do you think...?" he started but backtracked and found another way "You know what happened..." he trailed off again.

"What happened when?" Ben asked, willing to dig with a spoon his way into Alex's thoughts. The blond cleared his throat for like the hundredth time that day.

"In Kiev" he said quietly, looking away for a second. He could tell he'd shocked Ben. He almost never talked about what happened to him. He'd done it at first, when he was so lost he wasn't sure he could find his way back to normal, and he'd done it with his therapist, even going as far as talking about it with Ben in one of their joint sessions when the woman suggested Alex come clean about everything and just let go of the burden. But other than that, the subject was never approached.

"What about it?" the older man asked, muting the TV. Alex started to rub his thumb into his hand.

"Do you think it could've changed me?" he blurted out, unsure eyes cast downwards.

"Changed you how?"

"Change what I li—" he stopped. Was he seriously going to ask Ben this? "I don't know, just change me"

"You mean like how you don't like to travel anymore?" Ben tried, not really getting the point of what Alex was asking. The blond shook his head.

"I didn't like to travel before" he stated and then it dawned on him.

Did it have to do with Kiev at all or was it from before too?

"You're gonna have to elaborate a little more" Ben said, but Alex got up from the couch.

"You know what? Forget it. I'm tired" Ben stood up as well and tried to prevent him from leaving the room.

"What is it, Al?" but the blond dodged him.

"It's nothing. I'm tired and I don't know what I'm saying. See you tomorrow" he retreated back to his room and closed the door, leaving Ben standing confused in the middle of the living room.

Alex laid awake that night, unable to fall asleep and to stop thinking not only about Kiev but about his whole life. Was it possible? He asked himself for the hundreth time that day and then hid his face under the pillow when the answer wasn't clear.

He sighed.

_What's wrong with me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh*  
> Alex is so confused 🥴


	7. It’s okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys ready for this?   
> Are you sure?  
> Okay, here it goes!

Alex walked into the store and went straight to the office. He was glad Mr. Strauss was in that day, or else he'd be forced to engage in conversation with Vict. The other boy sent him a smile of greeting once he began with his tasks around the shop, and he smiled briefly back before engrosing himself in his work.

Having Victor close though, as they coincided in hallways or behind the counter, Alex felt a strange combination of wanting to get the hell away from there and not wanting the moments to end. It was confusing.

"So..." Vict approached him from behind when the store caught a break and put a hand on his shoulder, startling him "Guess who passed the test?"

"That's great" Alex answered shyly, the hand on his shoulder heavier by the second.

"Just great? It's fantastic! I owe you big for helping me" Vict said, squeezing his shoulder once and letting go. Alex could breathe again.

"I was happy to help. You don't owe me anything" he continued to be on his way but not before hearing Vict say he'd think of a way to return the favor.

Alex swallowed, glad that he had his back to the other boy or he might have seen the smile he couldn't quite hide. It was a stupid goofy smile that Ben would've given him hell about and he didn't want Vict to see it. The other boy shouldn't even be causing those stupid smiles in the first place!

He glanced at the clock. One hour until closing time and he'd have to walk back home with Vict. His stomach rolled.

He was starting to get worried. He'd spent the last few days thinking about his life, his past, and trying to figure out where these unknown feelings had place in between the most hectic episodes of his life. Since the whole mess with MI6 started, when his uncled died, there hadn't been any time to ponder on relationships and feelings. He hadn't been exactly in the right state of mind to worry about it either, there were more important things going on at the time. And he'd liked Sabina, he really had, but he was beginning to suspect they hadn't worked out not because of his disastrous life, but because he apparently hadn't liked her _that_ much. He'd never felt nervous around her, never got flustered or terribly excited to see her. Not the way he couldn't stop counting the days to go to work or reaching for his phone to check incoming messages from the only person who ever texted him these days.

Yes, he was starting to get worried because maybe it had been true all his life and he's only just noticing now, when there's time to.

But just because there's time, doesn't mean it should happen. He had a past he couldn't get rid off. One he was reminded of every time he looked in the mirror. How could he possibly consider something like it? Yet he couldn't stop thinking about it. About him.

Vict kept trying to engage him in conversation, but Alex blew him off every time. At least tuesdays he had Mr. Strauss as an excuse. What would his excuse be on thursday? Vict beckoned him over once Mr. Strauss dismissed them for the day and Alex decided to worry about it later. Now he had a walk home to survive.

He was painfuly aware of how close the two of them were walking, brushing their arms with every other step. Had they always walked so close to each other? Alex took a step to the left, widening the gap between them.

Vict was talking animatedly, like always, something about his team and then school. Alex didn't know what to say back. He settled with humming agreement now and then so it didn't seem like he wasn't paying attention.

He flinched when Vict clapped his back as goodbye upon arriving to the intersection. He jumped so high he had to reasure the other boy that he was fine, that he was just cold. They were reaching November after all.

Alex spared a few seconds to stare at Vict's retreating back and then shook his head. _What the hell are you doing?_ He berated himself. The worst of it was, it wasn't the first time he caught himself watching Vict through different eyes, but it was the first time he acknowledged it.

He continued walking.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Instead of making things better, putting a name to his confusion made everything worse.

Every day that went by, every day he had to share a shift with him and every minute he spent staring at his phone, Alex would get angrier and angrier to the point of not being able to hide his frustration.

Ben noticed, he could tell. He kept asking what was wrong and offering to set up a meeting with his therapist but how could he tell him what was wrong when what was wrong was actually himself?

And things at work were taking a turn for the worst as well. Whenever he could, Alex would avoid interacting with Vict at all. He'd keep himself busy when there was really not that much to do. He'd choose tasks that kept him as far away from the other boy as possible. Now that he was consciously keeping himself away, he was aware of how close they’d become before. Had Vict noticed it too? Had he noticed Alex staring or smiling at him? And then Alex thought: would Vict feel the same way? Was he that charming with everybody or was it just him? He wanted to convince himself that Vict was like that with everyone, that there was nothing special with the way the other boy treated him, but he also couldn't help hoping.

But all his efforts of distancing himself from Vict were taking a toll on him, and his anger didn't just stay at home where he could let it out in the sparring room. It began to fall on the person causing it, leading both Vict and Alex to fall into a tense atmosphere that wouldn't need much to break.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

"What did those bats ever do to you?" Vict asked, signaling to the bats Alex was dusting off.

"Don't know what you mean" the blond replied, not lifting his eyes from his task.

"The way you're staring at them, I'm surprised they haven't burst into flames already"

"Huh" was all Alex said. _Please go away, please go away_.

"You're acting weird" Vict stated without his usual joking tone. It was said seriously.

"No, I'm not" Alex answered, standing up from his crouched position and heading for the counter. The shop was empty, there were no clients.

"Yes, you are. And for a while now" Vict followed him, unaware he was poking a dangerous bear. Or maybe doing it on purpose. Alex intended to ignore the words, but Vict kept insisting until he snapped.

"Maybe I was acting weird before and this is how I really am" the blond replied brusquely, throwing the rag he'd been cleaning the bats with under the counter and going into the office to gather some material.

"What, incredibly rude and quiet?" Vict spat back, serious enough to make Alex finally look up at him. He was standing at the doorway, arms crossed in front of his chest and eyes daring any contradiction to his statement. Alex's chest ached at the harsh words. He hadn't meant for his worries to reach the other boy but how could he not take distance? Otherwise he risked his feelings developing into something more and he wasn't ready to handle that. He wasn't even sure he could handle them as they were right now.

"Whatever" Alex said and continued with whatever he was doing to distract himself and keep himself busy. He could see Vict walking closer to him from the corner of his eye, and his heart was beating wildly. He didn't want to fight with him, or he might say something he'd later regret in his haste to get the other boy to back off.

But instead of talking, Alex jumped ten feet above the ground when a finger jammed into his ribs. He yelped and recoiled at the ticklish sensation. Vict jammed him with the finger again.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alex asked, trying to protect his stomach, but Vict didn't answer. He began to attack him viciously to the point of Alex not being able to stand straight and forcing him to strike back. In spite of himself, Alex laughed. He couldn't help it, he was being tickled mercilessly and since he'd joined the fight, Vict was laughing too.

They were so engaged in their ticklish war that the blond wasn't concerned about proximity until he realized they were practically in each other's arms. They were wrestling, yes, trying to avoid their hands but they were also trying to tickle the other and that meant keeping themselves close.

They were breathing hard and Alex ended up with his head on Vict's shoulder, laughing his lungs out while the other boy wouldn't stop tickling him, keeping him in a lock he wasn't sure he wanted to get out from, and then it happened. When a vicious finger found its way into a sensitive spot on his side, Alex jerked, the motion making him stumble further into Vict's embrace and their hips crashing together for an instant, but an instant was all it took for Alex to sober up and end the assault.

"Alright, enough" he pushed Vict's hands away and took a step back "Stop" he instructed and could only hope he hadn't noticed.

"That was fun" Vict said still laughing.

"No it wasn't. We're working"

"You were laughing again, so it was worth it"

Alex didn't have time to reply or wipe the stupid smile off his face because Vict stepped out of the office and into the store. Alex ran his hands through his hair and up and down his face several times, willing not only his heart rate to go down.

He checked himself. It hadn't even been that much and it wasn't visible, but it had definitely happened. There was no denying himself any further because this had been proof. He was doomed.

Costumers came and went, and they didn't speak for the rest of the shift. Alex was caught stealing glances at his coworker, keeping track of where he was at all times, but getting caught meant he was being stared at as well.

It was close to the end of the shift when Alex finished charging a costumer and closing the register before leaning his arms on the counter and just waiting out the minutes there, nothing left to do. Vict appeared by his side a few minutes later, mirroring his position over the counter.

"You're really not gonna tell me what's bothering you?" he asked. Alex shook his head.

"There's nothing to tell" he looked away when he felt Vict leaning closer to him, searching his face for signs of deceival. He was too close damn it!

"Uh-huh... If you say so" Alex tsked and leaned back suddenly against the wall.

"Yes, I say so!" he replied rather rudely, the statement only proving what Vict had said about his behavior earlier. Vict followed his movement and mirrored his position again. They were now standing shoulder to shoulder, arms crossed over their chests, but where Vict's were clinging to each other loosely, Alex's were tight with tension. Vict leaned further to the left, closer to him.

"I think I know what's going on" he said, his voice calm and collected. Alex's heart jumped.

"Trust me, you've no idea" his voice was strangled, trying to make light of a situation that had him strung in all kinds of knots.

"So there is something going on!" Alex glanced at him enough to see the triumphant smile on his face before settling his eyes forward.

"If you say so..."

"Oh, I say so" Vict replied with finality. They went quiet for a while. The clock was ticking by awfully fast and slow at the same time. It was almost time to go.

Suddenly, Victor leaned further to the left, closing the distance between them to make their arms touch and catching Alex completely unprepared by placing a light kiss on his cheek.

Alex gasped, his eyes widened and frozen in place. A hole the size of a mountain opened up in his stomach and he felt like he was falling from the sky, the feeling of vertigo overwhelming him for a moment. He was unable to say a word, or move away.

"Does it bother you?" Vict asked, picking up on the surprise showing on Alex's face, and gentling his smile when the blond finally managed to glance at him for a brief second.

"N-no... No. I don't know" he stuttered, feeling the temperature of his cheeks rising to uncharted levels.

"It's okay. I know it's confusing" Victor reassured him, turning back to his original position but making sure their shoulders stayed in contact.

"What is?" Alex asked with a frown, not able to calm his racing heart.

"Admiting your feelings. I mean I wasn't a hundred percent sure you liked guys..."Alex shook his head, mortified. This was not happening!

"But I'm not... I mean, I don't..." he trailed off, not sure himself how to say what he wanted to say, to which Vict's smile faltered a bit.

"You mean you like girls? Just girls?" Alex clenched the fists.

"I've never thought about it any other way" he confessed, but seing the expression on the other boy's face, he wanted to wipe the dissapointment out of it "Until now..." his heart was beating like crazy and he was starting to sweat. He began chanting in his head. _I'm fine. I'm fine. I have two arms and I have two legs..._

"So you do like men" Alex swallowed and shook his head again. He wasn't sure!

"I like _you_ " he finally admitted, not just to the other boy but to himself. He hadn't even meant to say it out loud and the overwhelming need to get out of there slammed into him full force. What the hell was he doing?! His body stiffened and he took a step to the side, enough to break the contact of their arms.

"So that settles it then” Vict said, that dangerous smile of his making a reappearance on his face.

"What?" he asked reluctantly. Vict was looking at him with such bright eyes that it was hard to look away.

"You and me, we're going on a date" the taller boy answered, gesturing between them. The idea struck him as so bizarre that there was really no other answer he could've given.

"No" he deadpanned. Him going on a date? And with another guy no less? That wasn't just asking for trouble, that was creating the trouble himself.

"Come on! It'll be fun! We kind of like the same things. We could go—"

"I said no!" Alex interrupted him harshly and stepped completely away from him.

"Geez, calm down. I thought you said—"

"I know what I said" Alex interrupted him again and, this time, Vict's demeanor changed as well. He dropped his cheerful persona and regarded Alex with what appeared to be sadness in his eyes. He seemed like he was assesing something and as much as Alex wanted to look away, he found he couldn't.

"It's okay. I understand" and the worst part was that apparently he did understand. He didn't look mad or even terribly dissapointed, he just ketp looking at him and offering that small bloody beautiful smile that Alex liked to think was reserved only for him "Admitting it to ourselves is the hardest part"

"We should close the store" Alex stated and turned away to head for the office, ending the conversation abruptly.

Neither of them talked during the amount of time it took them to get their things, close the register and kill the lights. It was time to go home.

They silently walked side by side. It wasn't like they'd walk through the same street from opposite sides of it. Besides, they weren't angry with each other. They really weren't.

Alex's mind was a hurracaine of thoughts and he ached to go running just so he could make it stop. What was he getting himself into? He liked spending time with Vict, talking to him and joking around, but was he ready to accept that the other boy apparently liked him back? He already knew he couldn't deny the way Vict made him feel every time he laughed or squeezed his shoulder. Every time he put his hand at the back of his neck as a sign of reassurance and every time he looked at him and sent him that small intimate smile that always managed to make him smile in return. No, there was no denying that.

Alex looked up to where Vict had gotten a few steps ahead and ran the distance that now separated them to step right in front of him and cut off his pass. Alex had to tilt his head up to lock his eyes with his and he opened his mouth to talk but found that he couldn't. He didn't know what he wanted to say. Did he want to apologize or tell him off again? What did he want? His eyes seemed to send a clearer message though, because Vict smiled and put his hand a the back of Alex's neck in the now familiar gesture of reassurance.

"It's okay" he repeated the words he'd said at the store, glancing into the brown pool of eyes that were apparently doing all the talking for him. Vict must have been seeing every one of Alex's feelings at the moment: fear, reluctance, doubt, confusion but also excitement and definitely want. Alex felt like he'd burst if he didn't step away now and ran like hell away from the person who was making his fragile knowledge of himself shatter before his very own eyes. He needed to leave now. He wanted to leave. He also didn't want to look away.

Finally determination set into his brain and without further adue he leaned forward and crashed his lips into his. Vict stepped back from the unexpected move but immediately recovered to kiss the blond boy back. Their lips molded to fit eachother but just when Vict opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, Alex took an abrupt step back and ended the moment.

The kiss hand't been long enough to make them lose their breath, but Alex was panting either way. His eyes were fixed at chest level, not able to meet Vict's gaze and he had one hand fisted on the front of the other boy’s jacket. His breath madewhite clouds appear on the chilly night air.

Vict moved his hand from his neck to his shoulder.

"It's okay Alex" he said the same and only words spoken between them for the past half hour: it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Alex still couldn't answer back "Come on. I'll walk you home" Alex nodded and, for the third time since they'd met, Vict accompanied him through the streets that guided them to his apartment.

They said their goodbyes at the front gate, no other words or touches exchanged. Just a wave of the hand followed by the barest of smiles. Alex waited until Vict was out of view before opening the door and heading for the stairs. He climbed to the first floor and fished the keys out of his pocket. For the first time in a long time, his mind hadn't needed his morning run to be quiet. After the kiss, during the walk home, he'd been hiper aware of the present and the person beside him, nothing other than the here and now taking residence in his mind, and that's when he became as addicted to it as he was addicted to his runs.

As always Ben was waiting for him to eat, but Alex walked straight to the bathroom. He didn't think he could face Ben at the moment.

He'd just kissed another guy! How could he ever explain that to him? He'd think he was crazy for having feelings towards another boy considering what had happened to him. Especially because of what'd happened. He should be afraid of men in general, he should be repulsed by their touch, not falling for one! Yet Vict didn't scare him. Of course, he was scared of his feelings, terrified of what the kiss tonight meant for their relationship, but he wasn't scared of the boy himself. He was sweet, and dumb and energetic and funny. He was normal and yet he was not. The thing was, he made _Alex_ feel normal and that's something he hadn't felt in a long, long time.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror, making sure there was no evidence of the kiss there, not that it had been long enough to leave any. Would Ben think he was normal if he found out? Would he approve?

He took a deep breath and braved his way out of the bathroom. Ben was calling for him, asking about his day. They sat down at the table. There was a plate of spagetti in front of him and he started playing with his fork, twirling the pasta over and over at the edge of the plate.

"Wolf called. He wanted to know how things were going" Ben said to which Alex hummed, eyes fixed on his plate "I think he was looking to take his mind off things. He was telling me about this mission a few months back that..." but Alex wasn't listening. He forced a bite down his throat and continued to play with his food.

He kissed another man. And he was kissed back. He was pretty sure his heart had been about to burst inside his chest but it hadn't been from fear. During those few seconds he'd felt free and happy beyond boundaries. He'd been himself.

Himself... Was he okay with it? With liking another guy enough to kiss him, to maybe even do something more than kiss?His stomach dropped at the thought and he rested his head on one hand while the other gripped the fork tightly. Did he want more than just kiss Vict? When they'd been tickling each other at the store his body had responded to the other boy's close proximity and he'd freaked, because it was the first time he'd felt that kind of excited around anyone. Was he seriously considering, even for a moment, that he could go there with someone else?

Alex's eyes started to burn. What was wrong with him? Thinking about intimating with another boy...another man. An overwhelming sense of guilt burned through him making his throat tie itself in a painful knot.

As the tears started to fall from his eyes, he could hear Ben in the background, asking what was wrong, but all Alex could do was shake his head. He was making a monumental effort to not start sobbing incontrollably, but he squeezed his eyes shut and dropped the fork on the table. Tears kept leaking through his tightly closed lids, and he turned around to face away from Ben when the older man crouched at his side. He couldn't possibly tell him what was wrong. He'd hate him.

"Come on, Alex. What's the problem?"

_I am!_

"If you need help with anything, you just have to ask. You know that"

_I need help understanding this!_

But he remained quiet. Eventually he caved under Ben's tugging to turn back around and hid his face on the other man's chest. Ben held him and let him cry for another while.

"If you don't want to talk about it now, that's fine. Just know that I'm here for anything"

 _Not this_.

Alex thought again and broke the embrace. He sniffled and wiped away the tears still making their way down his cheeks. _Not for this_.

"I'm not hungry. I'll just go to sleep" he said in a broken voice and Ben let him go.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ben watched as the blond dragged heavy feet to his bedroom, worried about Alex's emotional display. It had stopped being a novelty for Alex to let Ben see him in any kind of vulnerable state. God knew they'd crossed that line a long time ago, but the ex-spy still ached whenever Alex wasn't okay.

Ever since Alex confessed to having ill thoughts about himself, Ben had never stopped worrying about him taking any kind of action on them. Even when the blond began to show signs of recovery, when the good days outshined the bad, Ben still watched out for signals. Dr. Gwen wasn't just Alex's therapist, she had been his as well and every time he noticed Alex getting sad or angry, he remembered the words she made sure he understood before her sessions with Alex began.

_Getting out of depression is a hard process. Some people are able to bounce back into their lives in a matter of months, but for some people it can take years. They'll always be at the edge of falling right back in if things get out of hand again. Alex has a long road ahead of him. Thoughts of selfharm usualy develop quietly and unavertedly until they're deeply ingrained in the mind and, most importantly, the heart. They may even never go away, but they can be fought and they can be locked. I'm sure that with the proper support system, Alex will be able to thrive from this._

So no, he never stopped worrying and he was sure something was going on with Alex. He didn't want to become a bother, but he would watch him close, ready to step in if things escalated. He made a promise long ago never to let his brother down again and he wasn't going to break it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so emotional and hard to write at the time. Our poor baby is dealing with confusing feelings, self-discovery and the guilt those new feelings stir given his past.  
> I can’t wait for you guys to see how the story goes from now on 😃


	8. Tempting

The first text message arrived that same night. _Everything okay?_ Vict had asked. There was no reply.

Alex went to sleep late, replaying the events of the afternoon over and over in his head. He'd managed to calm down long enough to accept what he'd done and think about what he wanted to do from now on.

He knew that what he felt towards Vict was attraction, for one thing, and a genuine like of his personality. It had been hard coming to the conclusion that yes, he did like a guy that way. So now the question wasn't whether to admit his feelings or not, after all, he sort of had already done it by launching himself into the other boy and planting a kiss on his lips. No, the question was: was he ready to begin a relationship? Forget admitting liking guys, forget what other people might say (he deliberately did not think of Ben at all with that statement), was he ready to open up his heart to let someone in? He wasn't sure.

The next message came the following morning. _Are you alive?_ It read. Again, no reply.

Alex tossed his phone away while getting ready for class. He didn't want to think about Vict now.

Thankfully, Ben gave him his space and didn't hover over him after last night's episode. He assured the older man he was feeling better and there was no reason to be alarmed.

Another text made his phone buzz in college and it was actually no surprise that after receiving no answer, Vict tried calling him after classes ended. Alex hesitated, then growled when he couldn't bring himself to answer, earning a few strange looks from the students around him. He kept walking out of the building.

What was he going to do when he had to work through an entire shift with him? Alex would be the first to admit he was a coward when he called Mr. Strauss saying he couldn't make it to work next Tuesday. He'd worry about the following days later, maybe by then he would've figured out what he wanted to do.

The next day went by and Alex went through his activities on autopilot. He continuously checked his phone, before the game, after the game, during lunch, before work, selfishly hoping to get a new text from Vict even though he knew he probably wouldn't answer back.

But the texts stopped coming.

On Sunday, he didn't even get out of bed. As always, he woke up early, a night full of dreams plaguing his sleep, but he didn't go running. For the first time in more than a year he broke his routine in favor of sleeping in, not that he actually slept any more. Running meant emptying his mind enough to not think about anything, and he needed to think about Vict, about what he was going to do, when he was going to talk to him, what he would say and how.

He knew the right course of action would be to sever ties with the other boy, get control back of his emotions and continue to focus on football and school. But he _so_ didn't want to. Would it be that bad if he acted on his feelings? Who did he hurt by it? Apart from potentially himself when it became clear to Vict that he wasn't a terribly open person, afraid of opening up to people and reluctant of human contact… Yeah, there was no way a relationship would work out if he was involved in it.

When the week started and his phone remained silent, he knew it was all over. He couldn't expect Vict to insist forever and it was his own fault anyway, but he couldn't help the disappointment of having the other boy giving up on trying to reach him after just one day. He knew he wasn't being fair.

Practice that day sucked.

Tuesday came and went and the silence went on. He'd hoped to receive another one of Vict's messages after realizing he wouldn't show up for work that day, but none came. Then on Wednesday, when it had almost been an entire week since they'd confessed to liking each other and their kiss, things remained the same.

He had to go to practice again, so he grabbed a quick bite of food before changing clothes, putting together the things on his sports bag and heading out the door. Ben had arrived from work a few hours ago and Alex knew he was leaving a very worried man behind. His behavior that week had surely concerned his brother, what with him almost not talking, barely sleeping and not leaving the house unless absolutely necessary. He needed to change that if he didn't want Ben to actually force him to go to therapy like he'd done the first time.

He hurried down the stairs, willing himself to enjoy playing football again, unlike Monday when all he wanted was for practice to end earlier so he could check his phone. He would make an effort to not worry about it tonight.

Alex walked out of the building and froze. He sure wouldn't have to worry about receiving or not a text from the other boy, because standing there, arms crossed and leaning against a lamp post was Vict.

Alex looked around him, instinctively looking for a way out of the situation, to avoid confrontation but, who was he kidding? His heart was racing with the other boy's presence and not necessarily out of fear. He schooled his features though.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, walking past him and towards the parking spot where Ben had left the car after coming home from work. Usually Alex took it to practice so he wouldn't have to walk home so late at night. Vict fell into step right beside him.

"You missed work yesterday" Vict replied, as if that was a perfectly good explanation of why he was waiting for Alex at the entrance of his building.

"I was behind on some school work" Alex offered when they reached the car "And shouldn't you still be at work?" 

"I asked permission to leave earlier today. Thought it was the only way to catch you available" Alex cringed at the words. There was no escaping now.

"Well, come on then" he said, gesturing to the car "Or I'm gonna be late" they both shrugged out of their coats before opening the doors and sitting inside. It was so cold outside that as soon as the doors were closed, Alex turned on the engine and put on the heater.

"You also weren't answering your phone" Vict stated while they waited for the engine to warm up before Alex could pull into the street "And it’s not like I'm stalking you or anything" Vict was quick to add, which caused a small quirk of Alex's lips that he was quick to conceal "I was just getting worried. After the other night..."

"Everything's fine" Alex gripped the wheel tightly and began to drive.

"Is it though?" the other boy countered. They remained in silence, not even the radio turned on.

It was a fifteen-minute ride from Alex's house to the field and the interior of the car was getting stuffy with heat. Alex was starting to sweat and Vict rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. They made it to the field.

"You missed a free spot" Vict signaled to the spot they'd just passed but Alex didn't stop.

"There's more ahead" he replied. He'd parked on that side of the parking lot the previous day of practice, and he didn't like to park on the same place twice in one week. Call it paranoia, but there was enough routine in his life for anyone to pick up on and make a move against him. Old habits were hard to break and being out of the spying business didn't guarantee his safety. He should know.

He parked the car and turned it off. They remained inside.

"I think we should talk about it" Vict stated when it became obvious Alex wouldn't have the first say in the matter.

"So talk about it" Alex conceded, still not brave enough to venture his own thoughts. Vict sighed.

"I like you Alex" the other boy deadpanned, and Alex's heart jumped at the words "And judging by the other night, you like me too. So what's the problem?" Alex was looking straight ahead, driving his thumb into the palm of his hand. He was doing that a lot lately.

"I... I don't know how it works" he finally confessed, glancing briefly at the other boy and then looking away.

"What? Men?" Vict asked, but if there was any humor in his words, it fell flat.

"Love" Alex corrected and then added "I mean, relationships and stuff"

"I don't think anyone's supposed to know" the other boy answered back cryptically to which Alex huffed.

"I'm being serious here Victor" he said, a momentary spark of irritation allowing him to fix Vict with a glare and not look away. To the other boy's credit, he looked apologetic.

"You're right. But I mean it" he insisted, noticing Alex's frantic move of his hands and reaching out to take one, stopping the obsessive motion and making the blond gasp in surprise. Vict hesitated a moment before bringing Alex's hand closer to him, and he held it with both of his while Alex stared at their joined hands in awe "I can understand that you didn't know before" Vict started, and there was no doubt he was talking about Alex liking men "And if it makes you uncomfortable I'll back off, but—”

"That's the problem" Alex interrupted, squeezing Vict's hand back firmly and gathering all the courage that he had "It doesn't" he locked eyes with Vict and he could see the other boy was nervous too "It should, but it doesn't. That's what bothers me" he finally confessed and leaned just the tiniest bit over the gear stick. Vict mirrored his movement until they were facing each other "I don't know how it works and I don't know if I'm made for this. If I'm meant to have this"

"We can try" Vict stated lowly and then, in a true Vict way to say, he added "And I definitely think you're boyfriend material" Alex blushed something fierce, but a smile was ripped from his lips.

"Shut up" he replied, trying to hold back a laugh.

"I mean it though" Vict said back, all joking aside and a serious tone returning to his voice.

Keeping a hold of Alex's hand, he reached with one of his own to the blond's cheek, stroking his thumb a few times while regarding him with an intense gaze that managed to melt Alex's fear away and replace it with excitement. Alex's heart was hammering inside his chest when he nodded to the unasked question and they leaned further into each other until their lips were only centimeters apart. Vict smiled before closing the remaining distance and bringing Alex in for a kiss.

Unlike the first kiss they shared, this one wasn't rushed... or quick. They pressed their lips together a few times before deepening the kiss. Vict tilted his head to the side while Alex opened his mouth to let him in. This was the first real kiss he'd ever given and received back, and he didn't want it to end. But lack of air had a different say in the matter and it wasn't long before he began to feel lightheaded. They broke apart but kept their foreheads pressed together, gasping for air. They stared at each other briefly, their eyes so close it was hard to focus on the other, before Vict let out a small laugh and closed his eyes, content in staying like that for a while.

Alex smiled too and kept his position while looking down at their joined hands. They weren't still. Alex's and Vict's fingers were playing with each other and to feel the constant texture of Vict's hand against his kept sending shivers down his spine. If there was something he'd understood after a week of absolutely no contact, was that he wasn't willing to give up on how the other boy made him feel, and he hadn't realized how much he'd missed that until he'd seen him leaning against that lamp post waiting for him.

"Aren't you going to be late?" Vict asked, no need to raise his voice more than a whisper.

"I guess I can be late for once" and that was just another testament to how much he was beginning to get attached to the other boy.

"So... Are you okay with this?" Alex answered by giving Vict another peck on the lips. They smiled and resumed what they'd been doing before. Alex stared down at their hands again and then he noticed. It was faint, maybe even a trick of the lights and shadows inside the car but he wasn't convinced. Vict had a finger shaped bruise covering his wrist. It wouldn't have been noticeable with long sleeves, which was what everyone always wore in winter and, come to think of it, Alex hadn't seen Vict roll up his sleeves in a while, not even at work when the temperature was comfortably warm. Alex frowned.

Maybe he wasn't trying to hide it. There probably wasn't anything to hide in the first place, his paranoid brain supplied, because there were any number of reasons, perfectly good explanations for a bruise like that to be on someone's arm, right? Alex brushed his thumb over the mark, gauging the other boy's reaction. Nothing. Could he have forgotten he had it? Alex decided not to say anything. He didn't want to ruin the moment and he did have to leave the car soon if he didn't want to get too reprimanded by his coach.

"I should get going" he announced, finally leaning back and reclaiming his hands. He awkwardly put on his coat while still seated behind the wheel. He wasn't looking forward to the change in temperature once they stepped out.

"Yeah, okay. I think I can still catch a bus ride home" Vict said.

"It may be boring, but you could wait for me to finish here. I could drop you off later" Alex offered.

"Tempting..." the other boy replied, tilting his head in thought as if he was actually considering it "But I would've brought a snack or something"

They got out of the car. Alex could see a few of his teammates hurrying across the parking lot to head to practice on time. Alex shivered when the cold wind hit his face. Practice would hurt today.

"Speaking of things to eat, do you want to grab something to eat Sunday before work?" Vict asked, walking around the car to join him.

"Sure, but listen, you really don't have to take the bus back, I ca—" but he was interrupted.

"Alex, honestly, don't sweat it. I shouldn't arrive home too late. I'll see you on Sunday, yeah?" he asked, standing so close to Alex they were practically touching. Alex sighed but nodded. He could see Vict's intentions from a mile away, and he took a small step back when the other boy leaned forward. Alex looked around briefly and then noticed Vict's expression fall a bit "You don't want anyone to know" he stated. Alex shook his head.

"It's not that" Alex answered quickly, not wanting Vict to get the wrong idea "This... Whatever this is, with you, it's knew to me and I don't know..." he trailed off and backtracked because he was confusing even himself. He took a step forward, holding into the front of Vict's coat "The only one I worry about is my brother. I don't care about anyone else" he finally said, realizing himself that the words were entirely true.

If he was struggling with admitting he had feelings for another guy, it wasn't because of what other people might say, it was because of his own past and what it said about him to develop feelings towards a man after what happened to him, but not because he'd get any kind of backlash from society. He was worried about his own doubts and how Ben might react to all of it, if he ever decided to tell him.

He wanted to make it clear to Vict that he wouldn't hide whatever they were to the world, because the world wasn't important to him. Seeing Alex's words as permission then, Vict put his hand at the back of the blond's neck and brought him in for a kiss. It wasn't that long, but it was deep enough to leave Alex breathless either way.

They parted ways quickly after that when the sound of a whistle was heard in the distance. Practice had started and Alex was officially late. The fact that he stood another few minutes in the parking lot watching as Vict made his way out of it served to prove how intense his feelings were becoming.

But Alex’s smile had fallen. He was staring after him in concern, the bruise he'd seen on the other boy's wrist not something he would forget any time soon. He wanted to question him, ask him how he'd gotten it but remembering the way he'd talked about the bruise on his side the other day at the store, Alex had the feeling Vict would just brush him off.

As he finally walked into the field, a feeling of urgency settled into him. He wanted to make sure Vict got home in one piece. He was assaulted again by his own paranoia before he couldn't get the thought of something bad happening to Vict out of his head. Practice today wouldn't only be cold, it would be long.

What felt like lightyears later, Alex grabbed his things from the bleachers and hurried back to the car after wrapping himself with the coat. He'd been right, running around the field with the chilly wind cutting into his skin was an uncomfortable experience, to say the least. Once inside the car though, all thoughts of temperature left his mind when he grabbed his phone and checked for messages. None. He began to type.

_*Are you alive?*_

It had become a sort of joke between them, asking if the other one was okay by using those words, but today all Alex could feel was apprehension after sending the text. Vict took too long to answer.

_*Depends… Will you actually answer back?*_

Alex cringed when he read the words. He wished he could've manned up sooner and seek the other boy out instead of pushing him away.

_*I'm writing now, aren't I?*_

_*I'm sorry for his week*_

He added the last message as an afterthought. He still has to turn on the car and head back home.

_*I'll make you pay for it, don't you worry ;)*_

Alex laughed. If there was one thing he liked about Vict was his uncanny ability to make a joke in the middle of a serious conversation. He typed in a reply and started the car.

_*You're on*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, they’re officially together now!


	9. I was, I swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: smut and angst... you’ll see

Blue shirt, dark jeans, white shoes… No.

Dark jeans, brown shoes, green shirt? Better. And the grey coat. Yes.

Never had he ever thought so much about what to wear for dinner.

Alex looked at the mirror and sighed. He took off the green shirt. Back to blue.

If anyone could see him now, mainly Tom or Eagle, he'd never hear the end of it. How many times had he changed already? It wasn't even their first date, so why did it matter how he looked? He put on the green shirt. Good.

It had been a couple of weeks since Alex and Vict had gotten together, and though they'd gone out on a couple of dates, to Alex's dismay, he was feeling especially nervous about this one. Given their schedules, they didn't spend as much time together as they'd liked. Phone calls and text messages making up for the time apart. Actually, the only days they could see each other were twice a week at work and then a few hours on the weekends. It was complicated but they managed. Alex had to admit that he'd used the time apart to his advantage to help him ease his way into the routine of a relationship he was definitely not ready for but that he hadn't noticed he needed so badly until he got it. Spending time with Vict, being around him, gave him a kind of freedom he hadn't felt in forever, maybe since before he turned fourteen, and although he was worried to see that he was starting to become somewhat dependent on it, he wouldn't trade it for the world.

But quickly the time apart began to feel like an obstacle. Both boys wanted to spend more time together, away from work or public places. They wanted time to themselves, if their workout together the other day was any indication.

It had been at the beginning of the week. They'd talked about not sharing any other activity besides work and Alex had invited Vict to join him on his morning run. Vict's outrage at the time Alex usually went for a run making the blond laugh self-consciously and delay the run until six. That'd still give them time to get ready for school.

"You're crazy" Vict had greeted him when Alex had blown up his phone to let him know he was already at his front door waiting for him "Certifiably insane!" he'd added upon walking out the house and joining him.

They'd jogged for the better part of an hour before hurrying back home at a faster pace, Alex leaving Vict in the dust. When they reached Vict's house, they'd talked, they'd laughed and they'd kissed. Oh boy had they kissed… Alex had been getting more and more comfortable with the idea, not blushing every time their lips met whether they were in public or not, but nothing could have prepared him for the sound that left him when Vict decided his neck was more interesting than his mouth. He'd moaned, right there at the front porch of the house within hearing distance of anyone that happened to walk by. He'd stepped back and said goodbye. School was waiting, for both of them.

Alex wasn't stupid, he knew what a relationship entailed, but he'd just hoped he could avoid the subject of more… physical activities a little longer. They both wanted more from each other and there was no denying that. So when the first weekend of December arrived, bringing with it some festivity Alex didn't even know about, they hadn't wasted the rare opportunity of the shop closing for the weekend to make plans.

That's why he was practically bouncing on his heels now, waiting for the time to go to Vict's house. They'd decided to meet there before heading out.

He arrived early. The way to Vict's house now a familiar one and the other boy led him into the living room while he finished dressing. Alex roamed the place, taking off his coat and looking at the array of pictures adorning the walls. There were a lot of pictures from when Vict was a little kid, making Alex smile and tease him about it. He assumed the red head woman was his mother, a beautiful woman with long straight hair and a warm welcoming smile, Alex guessed that's where Vict got it from. Then there was a man, Vict's father? Who appeared on a few photos, he didn't smile much.

"Are your parents home?" Alex asked, raising his voice so Vict could hear him from his bedroom.

"Ah… no. I live with my uncle. Mom died a while ago now. My uncle's a truck driver and spends most of the week driving stuff all over the country. He's out for most days" came the reply and Alex apologized for asking.

"What about your dad?" Vict came out of the room, looking _and_ smelling especially good, Alex noted.

"Never met him"

Alex could relate.

He continued to stare at the pictures, noticing now how there were no photos of the woman, Vict's mom, from when he was older than maybe sixteen.

Alex jumped when he felt Vict's hands on either side of him and his body close behind. He'd been so engrossed in the pictures that he'd lost track of the other boy.

He'd intended to ask him more about the photos, but he was distracted by Vict placing a few gentle kisses on his shoulder, moving slowly up until they reached his neck. Alex shuddered. One of Vict's arms circled him, and Alex rested his own hand on top of his on his stomach.

"We should go now if we wanna eat before midnight" Vict said between kisses. Neither of them moved.

"Or we could order something in?" Alex countered, quickly forgetting their original plans. Vict chuckled.

"But you're already dressed up" the taller boy joked, running his hand in small circles over the blond's stomach. Alex's breathing was starting to pick up.

"So are you" Alex whispered. They intertwined their fingers and Alex turned his head to look at the other boy. Their lips met next and slowly but surely, the kisses went from sweet and small to long and passionate. Alex turned to face him. He grabbed the back of Vict's neck and deepened the kiss even more, only stopping briefly to catch their breath before diving right into it again.

Vict's hands were constantly moving at the small of Alex's back, clenching and unclenching on his shirt, clutching the skin and letting go. It made Alex shiver and want more.

Plans for dinner obviously the last thing on their minds right now, Alex ended up pressed against the wall. His mouth went on a little adventure of his own, exploring Vict's neck and focusing on a particular patch of skin that made the smallest sound of pleasure escape the other boy, the vibrations of his vocal cords traveling all the way through Alex, reminding him all too well of their morning run together.

Vict pressed his hips forward. Alex gasped.

"Someone's excited" Vict commented and Alex nervously laughed, poking Vict on the ribs in admonishment. He was as red as a tomato.

"Don't laugh" Alex said, between laughs himself when Vict returned the poke. He was so embarrassed he hid his face on the other boy's shoulder, clinging to him for dear life and sobering up once Vict ceased the short tickle battle "Please, don't laugh" Alex whispered and hugged Vict tighter. In return, Vict squeezed his arms around him and held him there.

"I'm not" he stated and pushed his hips forward again to show the blond he wasn't the only one getting aroused. Alex sighed. Vict broke the embrace in favor of capturing Alex's lips once more "Have you ever done it before?" Alex's eyes went wide and he looked away. What on earth was he going to say? "Alex?"

What was he supposed to say now?

Telling him he'd never been with anyone would technically be a lie, but Alex knew that saying otherwise was completely out of the question. There was no way he'd tell the other boy what had been done to him, which constituted his first and only sexual experience. As embarrassing as being the one with no experience was, confessing the truth would be a lot worse.

His attention was called back when Vict's hand pulled on his chin.

"It's fine. We'll go slow" Alex sighed in relief. Vict's assumption would save him from giving any kind of answer, and he figured his nerves were evidence enough of this being his _'first time'_.

Alex smiled and they kissed again. Vict took a step back, pulling Alex with him towards the couch and Alex stumbled, blinking several times. His nerves were starting to get in the way.

"We don't have to do anything if you—" but Alex interrupted him by giving him a kiss, a hungry one. He had yet to utter a word in a while.

Without thinking, or he would surely back out of it, he closed the distance between them to have their bodies flush against each other once more and then reached between them to tug at Vict's waistband. He wanted this, he was just not ready to accept that his nerves were starting to turn into fear.

Vict responded in kind, and returned Alex's kiss fiercely, making them both gasp out of breath by the time they finally landed on the couch. Without him realizing exactly when, Alex ended up under Vict, whose body was gently pressing down into his. For a moment, Alex didn't know what to do with his hands so he placed them on Vict's back, surprising even himself when he tugged down along with the movement of Vict's hips. A moan escaped him when the pressure on his groin became a constant. A wavelike motion that he couldn't help but follow until Vict was the one to let out a pleasured moan.

Alex's mind was racing, sensation making it hard to keep track of everything. It had been such a long time since he felt any kind of physical arousal that he felt like the barest of touches was setting his skin on fire, let alone the constant pressure of Vict's hips against his own. He was delighted. And he was dizzy.

Vict broke their kiss, their lips bruised and wet, and concentrated on his neck again, not stopping there and continuing to place kisses on his chest, above his shirt, at the same time he began tugging the piece of clothing away. Alex's focus sharpened at that. He only let Vict pull his shirt above his stomach before stopping his hands, but Vict wasn't fazed by it. He kissed and licked at whatever exposed skin he could get, making small shivers rack the blond's body every time his mouth lapped at a sensitive spot near his navel or further down.

Alex closed his eyes when the kisses reached his jeans. When the button of his pants was opened Alex sat up, agitated but was instantly met by a kiss that managed to distract him enough to lay back down, the other boy once more on top of him. But Vict's hands remained busy, opening Alex's pants and running his palm over the obvious erection. Alex whimpered.

  
He was trembling. He hadn't even touched himself in a year! This was starting to become too much. He tried telling the other boy that, but words eluded him. Instead, another moan left his mouth.

Alex tried to push Vict away with his hands, but the other boy grabbed them and intertwined their fingers, keeping Alex's hands away while he gave one slow and long lick over Alex's still covered member, the fabric of his boxers not enough protection against the fire erupting from the contact.

 _No_ , Alex thought, tugging unsuccessfully at his hands. Vict sucked at the fabric and Alex moaned louder than he had so far.

It was too much like before.

But he was panting, breathing hard and squeezing Vict's hands like his life depended on it. The other boy just took that as encouragement to keep going.

 _Don't do it._ Again, no words left his mouth. Vict released one of his hands to tug at his boxers, wanting to pull the garment down.

 _Please, don't_. This time, Alex recognized the fear laced within his excitement and he tried to get up. He couldn't.

 _No, no, no_... _He was tied down, held against his will, a hand going steadily down until it reached his pants. He didn't understand what was happening until the man pulled down his clothes to leave him exposed. He was being touched_ _and he was begging. He liked it but he didn't want it._

 _Please, sir, stop_. _The man only moved faster_.

 _Let go_ , he begged. No one listened.

Alex knew he was flashing back. He had become better at recognizing himself from his memories, but that didn't give him the power to stop them. The past was beginning to get mixed up with the present and he was locked, once more, in a battle between his body and his mind.

"Let go" he begged again, only this time he managed to speak out loud. The other boy had removed part of his boxers and made Alex jump when he placed a kiss at the head of his cock. It was too much. It felt so good "Let go" he repeated, clearing his throat because his voice was betraying him, not being loud enough to be heard but the other boy didn't stop. Alex was sure if he touched him one more time, he would finish earlier than what should be acceptable, the thought only adding to his dismay.

Another tug of his clothes.

"Vict, seriously, stop" why wasn't he stopping? _Please, please, stop!_ He panicked "Vict get off!" he finally managed to say loud enough to be heard. But Alex's panic didn't give him a chance to notice that the other boy had indeed stopped when he'd understood the meaning of the blond's mumbling, and the only coherent thought he had left was the need to get free, to get away. He kicked forward. Barely a second after yelling for him to back off, Alex placed his foot between them and pushed hard, making the other boy stumble back and fall from the couch with a shout.

Alex quickly scurried out of the couch himself, pulling his pants up and buttoning them in a rush. He barely managed to close them when his vision dimmed and his legs grew weak. He gasped, noticing how the strength left his body and he fell to the floor, breathing heavily through a bout of nausea. He felt like he was about to pass out.

For a while, all he could hear was his own heart beating wildly and the sound of his own haggard breaths, everything else fading to the background.

It took a moment for him to regain his bearings and, when he did, his eyes landed on the other boy still sprawled on the floor with a hand on his hip and a pained expression on his face. Alex could see him breathing through clenched teeth. Had he hit him hard enough to seriously hurt? Alex wondered worriedly. He made an effort to control his own breathing before asking if he was alright. His voice wasn't stronger than before.

"What _happened_?" instead of answering, Vict had a question of his own. He’d finally opened his eyes. Alex gulped.

"You weren't stopping" he murmured, voice as weak as he felt.

"I thought you were enjoying it..." the other boy replied, his face now a mixture of pain and failure. Alex didn't like it.

"I was, I swear" he hurried up to say "I just..."

"What is it?" Vict questioned when the blond trailed off.

"I-I got dizzy, I wasn't feeling well and you wouldn't stop" Alex managed to sit down with his back against the coffee table, knees drawn to his chest. He was still breathing hard and seeing spots dance across his vision. The nausea hadn't left either.

"You could have just told me"

"I did"

"No, you kicked me" the other boy countered, hand still hovering over his left hip. Alex looked away and tried to get up from the floor, but dizziness stopped him again. Vict regarded him suspiciously "What's going on with you?"

"I don't think I've eaten enough today" what else could he say? He gathered his strength and sat back on the couch.

"Is this like an issue with you? Not eating?" Vict asked, grunting when he regained his feet. At the sound of it, Alex looked up.

"How bad did I hurt you?" he was mortified of what he had done. Vict sat down next to him and shrugged.

"It wouldn't have been much if I wasn't hurting before. But let me tell you, you have one hell of a kick and—"

"What do you mean hurting before?"

"Oh, you know, I ran into the doorframe a few days ago 'cause I was late for school. Left a nice bruise behind. You just happen to have excellent aim" a bruise... _Another one?_ Alex thought.

"Sorry" he said, looking down with a frown. After a beat of silence, Vict spoke again.

"You okay?" Alex looked up and locked eyes with him before nodding and glancing away "I think you just panicked" Alex’s heart stuttered and he began worrying his hands together "It's normal the first time, so don't worry about it"

"I did like it" Alex said to try and reassure the other boy, and himself.

"I know" Vict replied and tugged at Alex's shoulder so they both leaned against the back of the couch. Vict placed his arm around Alex and the blond leaned his head on the offered shoulder. They remained like that for a while.

While Alex calmed down, he began playing with the hem of Vict's shirt while the other boy ran circles up and down his arm. Alex lifted the shirt enough to stare at the dark bruise on Vict's hip. It wasn't small. He ran his thumb over it. Vict told him not to worry about it, that he hadn't hurt him too bad but Alex's concerned thoughts weren't because of what'd just happened.

It was the third bruise Vict was sporting over the last month alone and things weren't adding up. Either he was the clumsiest person ever or there was something fishy going on. Did he get into a fight again? If so, why not just say so? Was fighting something he did regularly? Judging by the day Alex had taught him some self-defense, Vict wasn't exactly an experienced figther, trained or not. Then what was going on with him? Alex sighed. There were too many questions and he knew he was just using them to avoid thinking about the real issue: his reaction to being touched. If he was going to react like that every time things got heated between them, then he was in for a very short relationship. He sighed.

"I'm sorry for pressuring you. I would've stopped if I'd heard you" Vict apologized, breaking the silence they'd fallen into. Alex straightened up and regarded him with a much steadier gaze than how he actually felt. He gave him a kiss, a small one and then a longer one when Vict reciprocated the action. It was Alex's way to say that things were okay between them. Alex knew he was the one who needed to figure out his problem before it could affect them again.

Both boys knew things wouldn't escalate that day anymore, so they were content with staying in each other's arms and trading languid kisses now and then. Alex was becoming accustomed to the idea of liking this level of proximity, something he had denied himself even before his kidnaping. Being hugged, caressed, just being close. It was good. _This_ , he could handle.

And then the sound of keys reached them from the front door and Vict got up so fast he dislodged Alex from him rather brusquely.

"Shit!" Vict cursed, glancing around the house before settling his eyes on the hallway that let to the front door "He's not supposed to be back until tomorrow" he said in a rush, and Alex got the feeling he wasn't talking to him.

"Your uncle?" the blond asked, not used to seeing such distress in Vict's demeanor.

"You need to go" the other boy stated, picking up Alex's jacket and throwing it at him. Alex felt a pang of hurt in his chest at being kicked out like that.

"Why? He doesn't know you're...?" it was the only explanation for such behavior.

"He does. He just doesn't like people coming over"

"What about dinner?" _the date?_ Was what Alex really wanted to ask.

Vict was about to reply when the man he'd seen in the pictures came into view. He had hard features and his expression hardened even more when his eyes landed on the boys, who were caught midway out of the room.

"Uncle Ed... Hi... I thought you'd come back tomorrow" Vict said as a way of greeting. The man, Ed, stepped forward and patted Vict's shoulder.

"Job went quicker than expected. I was able to cut back a day of driving" Vict smiled in acknowledgement and Alex could immediately tell it was forced "And who do we have here?" the man asked, turning to Alex. Vict didn't let him speak.

"He's a friend from work. Came by to help me with French, but he was leaving now, right?" Alex was confused but chose not to tell on the lie.

"Right. Nice to meet you" Alex barely had time to say before Vict dragged him to the front door and practically shoved him outside.

"I'm sorry. We'll talk later, alright?" Vict said and went to close the door. Alex regarded him with an astonished gaze before nodding and turning away. He shivered due to the cold air. Vict hadn't even given him time to put on his coat. Before he could turn all the way around though, he felt a tug at his arm and glanced back to see desperate eyes searching for his, something he'd never thought he'd see on the other boy's face "Are you okay? For real?" Alex could tell the answer of this question meant the world to him in that moment.

"Yeah” he nodded and frowned at the other boy’s crestfallen expression. “Yes” he repeated more sternly.

Vict nodded and shut the door closed. Alex stood in the doorway, frozen in more ways than one.

_What the hell just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t wait to post the next few chapters! Poor Alex has so many issues to deal with. And what’s up with Vict?  
> Stay tuned to find out :)


	10. A big problem

Alex shivered again and put on his jacket, hands inside the pockets as he started walking back home.

It was earlier than he’d expected to arrive back to the apartment and Ben didn't miss the chance to ask about it.

Feeling awful about lying, but finding no other alternative, Alex told him that most of the team had cancelled at the last minute and just a few of them weren't gonna go out and eat by themselves. The team getting together was the excuse he'd used for his night out.

"Let's go out to dinner then!" Ben exclaimed, to which Alex made a face. A night out with Ben wasn't exactly what he’dhoped for tonight, but his stomach chose that particular moment to act up and remind him he hadn't eaten anything since lunch and he was starving.

"Yeah, okay" he agreed with a heavy sigh.

They ended up calling Ben's parents to join them and the evening turned into a family event, for which Alex was grateful since it helped keep his mind off Vict and their failed date. Besides, any chance he got to spend time with the family was a moment he would treasure forever. Having regular and sometimes big family get togethers wasn't something he'd been used to before, and even though at first he'd felt like an intruder —because in his mind, he was, he'd grown to feel more comfortable about it, to feel like he belonged.

So the night didn't end like a complete failure after all, but the closer they got home, after dropping Ben's parents at their place, the more he thought about the other boy and the fact he'd been radio silent all night. He knew, because he hadn't stop checking his phone every five minutes. Evelyn had chastised him with an ironic comment about young people wasting away their lives on a screen, not that it made much to stop him from doing it and then the jokes about being hung up on a girl started, making him wince every time he thought about them finding out Vict was very much NOT a girl.

Should he text him? Should he call? Alex wasn't sure what the right move was and he wasn't about to ask Ben for advise on that. So he went to his room and changed, admittedly throwing his clothes in a corner with a bit too much strength behind it. After all he'd struggled to find something to wear… jeez, what a night!

He dropped on the bed, bouncing a few times and letting out a deep breath. He grabbed his phone.

_*You awake?*_

It was almost midnight, so maybe Vict wouldn't even see the message until morning, a theory that grew stronger with every minute that went by without an answer. Then his phone started to buzz repeatedly and he jumped in surprise. An incoming call. Alex checked the screen but there really was no need, nobody else besides Tom called him and he doubted his longtime friend would be calling at this hour.

His heart began to beat faster and he closed his eyes briefly to repeat what he'd been chanting in his head all night to keep his emotions from spiraling out of control. _I'm fine. I'm fine. I have two arms and I have two legs. I can talk, I can walk. I'm fine_

He hit the answer button before the call went to voicemail.

"I don't want to sound obnoxious, but you owe me dinner" was the first thing that left Alex's mouth once the call went through. He was aware of how childish the comment sounded, but he couldn't quite let go of the fact that he'd been looking forward to sharing a free day of work together. He heard a sigh on the other side of the line.

" _I know_ " Vict's voice sounded off. Low, rough... Subdued? Alex would even venture.

"What was that all about?" he asked, the sting of his impromptu kicking out of the house still present and very much painful.

" _My uncle doesn't like visitors. I told you. Are you okay?_ " he added. Alex didn't even register the question.

"Why? What does he have against them?" Vict's voice adopted an annoyed tint.

" _He's a truck driver. Spends a lot of days out, driving all day and night. When he gets home he just wants some peace and quiet_ " Alex hummed in response " _S_ _o how are you?"_

"We could've just gone out. Stick to our original plan" Alex said, cheeks blushing when he thought about the reason their original plans had changed in the first place. There was a moment of silence before Vict's voice came through the line again, this time with a hard edge to it.

" _Why aren't you answering my questions?_ "

"What questions? We're talking about tonight" Alex answered, readjusting his position on the bed to rest his back against the headrest.

" _Exactly_ " came the short reply and then a heavy silence again.

"Are we even gonna reschedule?" he deflected the subject again.

" _Do you_ want _to reschedule?_ " Vict asked, a drip of sarcasm entering his tone. Alex frowned.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

" _It means you didn't really seem comfortable with me tonight_ " Alex was taken aback by the sheer resentfulness of the comment. He thought they'd already discussed what'd happened to him at his house.

"What's with you?" he asked, confused and surprised by the turn the conversation had taken with what felt like a verbal attack.

" _I asked you a question and again you're not answering_ "

A spark of anger lit up inside him. "If I didn't want to reschedule, I wouldn't have asked you in the first place!"

Through the next stretch of silence, he heard a sniff coming from the other side. He froze.

Eyebrows closed together in confusion, he sat up away from the wall and crossed his legs indian style. For a while, Alex didn't know what to say. The roughness he'd noticed in Vict's voice at the beginning of the conversation may have been the result of fighting back tears. Or had he been crying already? Now this was something he'd never had to deal with before: comforting someone else. Ben never really got emotional with him and the few times he had, Alex had been more of a mess than him to be able to help at all. What he was very familiar with was trying to hide when he was hurting from the rest of the world, usually behind anger or physical exercise. Maybe Vict was doing the same, since Alex couldn't recall ever hearing him so pissed off before.

"Vict?"

" _Hmm_ " the other boy answered almost as if talking was an effort.

"Are you okay?"

" _Do you want to reschedule or not?_ "

"You see? I'm not the only one not answering questions" Alex accused, trying to lighten the heavy mood of the conversation.

" _So you admit you're doing it then?"_ not exactly the response he'd been hoping for.

"I just don't want to talk about it. We already did anyway"

" _Yeah well, I don't want to talk about it either_ " the other boy countered, clearly making reference to the way he'd made Alex leave the house.

"Then maybe we shouldn't keep talking right now" Alex stated, regretting it instantly because he knew he didn't want to end the conversation at odds with the other boy.

This time the silence was accompanied by the raging fear that he had screwed up, again, and that Vict would take him up for his word, hang up the phone, and not talk to him again. But he also couldn't deny that he was slightly hurt and his pride wasn't letting him be the one to break the silence. As it turned out, he didn't have to.

" _Guess what_ " came Vict's voice from the other end of the line, still low and still rough, maybe even rougher than before, but the anger under his tone had transformed into something resembling defeat. Alex sighed and prepared himself for the worst, for Vict to tell him they were done.

He closed his eyes to wait for the blow. “What?”

" _We just had out first argument as a couple_ " Alex frowned and snorted, feeling a smile breaking through his serious demeanor and then losing the battle to let out a laugh. He laughed so hard it became infectious and soon he heard Vict laughing as well.

"Oh, so we're a couple now?" he asked, recognizing Vict's comment as his usual way of defusing tension.

" _I mean, we hang out, we kiss... A lot. Yeah, I'd say we're a couple_ " Alex thought about it for a while, the silence that hung between them now was less charged and hostile than all the previous ones.

"It's weird" he stated, his thoughts drifting easily into the conversation.

" _What is?"_ Vict asked, and the blond could hear the effort behind the still tired sounding words.

"I never thought I'd have this"

" _What? Long dramatic conversations over the phone?_ " Alex smiled again. This was the Victor he liked to talk to. That didn't mean he couldn't understand that everyone felt bad or had an off day every once in a while. If someone should know, it was him.

"Yeah, that too"

" _You better get used to it_ " Vict added.

"That means we're gonna be fighting a lot?" Alex joked, sliding down on the bed to lay down and stare at the ceiling.

" _Maybe once or twice a week_ " the other boy answered and Alex could practically hear the shrug of his shoulders in his voice.

"A week!?" he exclaimed, alarmed. If he didn't know any better, he'd actually be worried.

" _Oh yeah baby. This is only the beginning_ " and Alex was pretty sure he was quoting a movie right there. Either way, the choice of words made him smile stupidly and he was glad there was no one around to witness him acting like a blushing 15-year-old talking to his crush, which is exactly what he felt like at the moment.

"What did I get myself into?" he grumbled into the phone.

" _Only the strangest adventure of your life_ " Alex snorted, thinking about some of the missions he'd been on that definitely fell into the 'strange' category.

"Prob'ly not" he said around a yawn he'd been fighting for a while.

" _You're falling asleep already?"_ Vict asked around a laugh to which Alex just rolled his eyes. He was getting sleepy " _W_ _ill you go running tomorrow at your usual ungodly hour?"_

"I should, but I don't know" he replied, thinking that maybe taking advantage of a free Sunday and sleeping in wasn't such a bad idea after all.

" _Alex Daniels missing a run! Somebody call an ambulance, I think he's getting ill_ " for being a joke, the words lacked their usual amount of teasing, but it was close enough.

"Ha ha. Very funny. Wanna come with?" the blond offered.

" _See, I'd love to. I really do, getting up at 5am on a Sunday, being drenched in sweat before sunrise... I think I'll pass though_ " there was no surprise there.

"You could have mentioned spending time with me" and Alex just half meant it as a joke.

" _Which is the only reason why I '_ would _' love to do it_ " Alex chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Idiot" he grumbled.

" _What was that?_ "

"What?"

" _I thought I heard you say something_ "

"Not me, no" Alex replied, changing his phone from one ear to another. It was starting to hurt and he was sure if he looked in the mirror, his ear would be bright red.

" _Huh... You sure? Because I think it was something along the lines of 'awesome'_ " Alex let out another laugh.

"Yeah, definitely not that"

" _I beg to differ_ "

"Maybe you should beg to go to sleep, you're hallucinating from lack of it" Alex pulled the phone away from his head to glance at the time. They'd been talking for a while now.

" _Is this your way of telling_ _me_ _to hang up?"_ Vict's voice sounded far and small from the distance, making Alex bring the phone to his ear once more.

"It _is_ rather late and some people might actually have to wake up early"

" _By choice, not necessity_ " the other boy smartly argued.

"Still"

" _You're no fun_ "

"I thought we stablished that long ago"

" _Yeah, yeah. Whatever_ " but there was something about his voice again. An edge to it that made Alex think back to the beginning of the call. What was going on with Vict?

"All jokes aside, are you okay?" he asked, maybe he was distracted enough to answer this time.

" _Fine_ " or maybe not. Alex wasn't sure he should keep insisting but then Vict blurted out a few more words " _Do you think you could...? Never mind_ "

"What?"

" _It's stupid, never mind. See you at work?"_

"Vict..." he insisted.

" _Just_ _—_ _Could you_ _—_ _Could you just stay on the phone? For a while? We don't even have to talk, just... Just stay on the phone_ " and he was finally able to put a name to the edge under Victs's voice: desperation. He wasn't going to say no to that.

"Okay, sure"

He settled in, pulling the covers over himself and adjusting his head on the pillow. He rested the phone on his chest andput his hands behind his head.

He put the phone on speaker.

The silence that followed wasn't heavy or uncomfortable, and it was only broken by the faint sound of breathing on the other side. Alex thought it was oddly reassuring to know he wasn’t exactly alone even when the room he was in was empty. Maybe that's what Vict had been after with the request, to not feel alone.

Alex thought back to the events of the afternoon and he surprised himself with how well he was taking everything. Considering the fact that he'd slightly panicked at the other boy's house, then being kicked out of it to having their first 'argument as a couple', he thought he was handling things pretty well. At least he felt somewhat at peace now, listening to the other side of the line and knowing that even if they weren't talking, they were there.

Alex reached out to the light switch at the side of his bed, plunging the room in darkness, only a slit of light coming in from the window. Alex didn't like to sleep with the shutters opened.

Through the phone he heard Vict moving, the creaking sound of someone changing position on a bed. Alex rolled to his side, the phone resting now beside his head on the pillow. He was drowsy, and the longer they went without talking the bigger the risk of falling asleep. When he figured he wouldn't mind falling asleep with the line opened between them, he closed his eyes, but there was something he still needed to ask, or he wouldn't be able to rest.

"Vict" he called softly. He had to wait a few seconds to get a reply, one that was muffled.

" _Hmm_ "

"Are we okay?" the sound he heard from the other side of the line this time was unmistakable. Vict _was_ crying.

" _Why wouldn't we be?_ " to his credit, he was making a monumental effort to hide the waver in his voice.

"Because of tonight" and Alex didn't just mean the way their date had ended, but the way it had started as well, with him panicking over the first time they got intimate.

" _I think it was an important step in our relationship_ " even half asleep, Alex smiled softly.

"Seriously though" he insisted.

" _What do you think?_ " the other boy asked, his voice a bit more composed.

"I think we're fine" Alex said honestly, hoping it was right.

" _I think we're fine too_ "

"Okay" Alex heaved a sigh and snuggled further into the pillow.

" _Okay_ " Vict repeated and they fell silent again.

It didn't take long for Alex to fall asleep, the minutes passing by on the screen of his phone with the still opened call.

If only he could've slept soundly through the night.

But for all the effort he'd put into not caving to his raging emotions all day, his mind decided to panic in his sleep, making him revive certain nightmares he hadn't been able to shake during his time in Newcastle and forcing him to wake up with a start, gasping and covered in sweat from head to toe. He sat up in bed and pulled his knees to his chest, the phantom of hands all over his body making him shudder and hide his head between his knees to try and control his breathing.

He glanced to the side and noticed his phone was still on. The phone call read almost four hours, and counting, and Alex gripped it tightly. He whispered Vict's name a few times. When he was certain the other boy was asleep, he ended the call. His battery was almost dead anyway.

Alex knew he wouldn't get back to sleep, not when he knew what awaited him if he did. It was way too early to go running yet, so he laid back down and put an arm over his eyes.

He had a problem.

A big, huge, massive problem that he needed to solve if he didn't want his relationship with Vict to end as abruptly as it had begun. He needed to be able to feel comfortable with him _that_ way, or they'd never do more than just kiss. He needed to not be afraid of his touch, to not be reminded by it of the man that had broken him.

He knew though, that that could only happen when his own reflection didn't trigger those memories, which is what he'd been trying to work through for the past year… unsuccessfully.

He turned to his side again, eyes opened and staring at the slit of light coming in through the window. He had to get past this. He needed to get better, or he would spend the rest of his life alone and scared.


	11. Nice try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for some Vict’s PoV?   
> This was the first chapter I ever wrote from his perspective and I admit I love getting inside his head. I think it’s interesting to know his vision of Alex and their relationship.  
> I hope you guys like it!

What a headache.

Crying himself to sleep probably hadn't been a good idea. Yet maybe the few smacks to the back of his head the night before had something to do with it as well. They hadn't been light.

He got up from the bed, frowning when the light coming from the window indicated the sun was higher up the sky than it should be at 8 a.m., which meant it wasn't 8 a.m.

He reached for his phone, sighing when the device wouldn't turn on. The battery must have died before the alarm could go off.

He flopped back into bed. He connected the phone to the wall and waited for it to be charged enough for the screen to light up. It was almost midday.

Looking at the call history he smiled at the last registered call: 3 hours and 52 minutes. He hadn't been joking when he'd told Alex about having long dramatic conversations over the phone, not entirely.

He sighed again.

Alex... _God_. What a dick he'd been, making him leave like that after what went down between them. Just thinking about it made him want to punch himself. Why bother though, that department was already covered.

He got up from the bed and winced, doubling over and holding his left hip. Guess it was a good thing there were no games that weekend either, because he wouldn't be running around any time soon. Between work and how often some injury or another prevented him from going to practice, he'd be lucky if he ever entered the field this season. The longest he'd gone absent from practice was a week and a half. Those days had been especially hard. It looked like the next few would be like them too.

At least he just needed to hold on until Wednesday, when he'd be left alone again for a few days.

Straightening up he walked closer to the door and leaned into it, listening to the sounds coming from the living room. The tv was on. His uncle was home.

If there was one thing he was truly grateful for was the fact he had his own bathroom, so he could avoid leaving his room as much as possible.

He turned on the shower but took an aspirin before jumping in, praying his headache would get better by the time he was done. His stash was shrinking quickly. He needed to refill it soon.

He took his sweet time washing away the aches of his body, also wanting to give his phone time to charge enough for the day. Once he was done he made sure to dress comfortably.

Having nothing to do that day, he wished it was Tuesday already, that way he'd see Alex at work even if they weren't alone. He couldn't even explain it to himself, the need he felt to be around him, to talk to him, so much that yesterday he'd practically begged him to stay on the phone. There was no way Alex hadn't heard him cry.

He shouldn't have called.

He was used to it anyway, so why did he let himself get so emotional? Maybe it had something to do with him already feeling nerve racked after rolling around in the couch with Alex.

He smacked himself in the face and welcomed the pain it brought. He'd let himself get carried away and he'd let things gotoo far.

It'd been a long time since he'd been with anyone, ever since his relationship with his uncle started getting rocky, but there was something about the blond that made him want to throw all caution aside.

He'd be the first to admit he was completely infatuated with the blond. And he was intrigued, very, very intrigued. Even though he was younger, Alex seemed to carry himself with a confidence he wasn't sure the blond was aware of, except maybe when they were together. Then he was all kinds of awkward and shy. It was endearing and humbling. He smiled. And then let out a sigh when he opened the door to his room.

He could smell breakfast. The unmistakable scent of bacon and eggs making his stomach growl.

His house wasn't as small as others tended to be around the area. It had more bedrooms than what they actually needed and a front yard that gave them more trouble than not with having to keep it clean. To get to the kitchen, he had to walk through the living room.

"Good morning" his uncle greeted him. Victor gave him a nod in return and kept walking "I figured you needed your sleep, so I didn't wake you for breakfast"

Victor remained silent, reaching the kitchen and opening the fridge. His uncle's voice coming from the next room.

"There's a plate for you in the oven, and juice on the counter. Make sure you eat enough"

His stomach dropped at the caring words and he made an effort to regain his composure. It always got to him, how his uncle could still be like the man he grew up to love, who used to spend time playing with him when he was a child and then take care of him when his mother got sick.

He ate in silence. What was he supposed to say?

He made sure to wash his plate and put it away. The last thing he needed was to start his day like it had ended the night before.

"You going out today?"

"Don't know" he answered, wishing he had something, anything, to do rather than spend the day inside. Thinking about it, he hurried back to his room and scrolled through the contacts on his phone until he landed on her name.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

They met up at a coffee shop where Leyla, best friend extraordinaire, was already nursing a cup of tea.

"Hey!" she greeted excitedly, giving him a hug.

They'd been best friends ever since their mothers met at the hospital. Hers was a nurse and had developed a soft spot for him given the amount of time he spent at his mother's bedside. He'd been so lonely Leyla's mother had started bringing her daughter to work to keep him company and try to distract him from the fact his mother was dying.

He asked for an orange juice, needing all the vitamins he could get.

"So...?" Leyla asked, regarding him with an excited look.

"So, what?" he knew perfectly well what.

"Tell me about it!" she was also the only person who knew about Alex.

"There's nothing to tell" he said cryptically and she snorted.

"Oh, come on! Don't do this me. You've been going on about this date for days and there's nothing to tell? Did something happen?" she fired the questions rapidly, making him raise his hands in a placating manner.

"I mean, we fooled around a bit but—"

"Oh, you're blushing!" she laughed, taking a sip of her tea.

"We didn't do anything" he insisted "He didn't let us go far"

"What a bummer" his friend said, setting her empty cup down "I mean, what's not to like?" if he hadn't been used to her carefree personality, he would've blushed with the words.

"He got nervous. That's all. I was kind of nervous too" he explained, instinctively defending Alex's reaction to the previous night. Leyla observed him for a moment while his order arrived and he stirred the contents of his glass.

"You're really into this guy, aren't you?"

Victor smiled softly. "What gave it away?"

"You're way too serious to be talking about sex" he looked down, playing with the spoon in his hand. There was a moment of silence before she asked what was wrong, insisting he could open up to her.

"Before me, he'd never thought about guys this way. What if he's not even sure he actually likes me? What if he regrets having anything with me?" up until now he hadn't taken the time to consider it, but it was a good explanation for how Alex reacted the moment they started to become intimate.

"I'm not gonna lie. It could be" his friend responded truthfully, not being one to cut around the bushes. Seeing the expression on his face, she hurried up to add "But don't go jumping to conclusions. How long have you been together now?"

"About a month now" he replied, thinking back on the days.

"It sounds to me like he's had enough time to see if this is something he really wants. Don't you think?" she prompted when he remained silent. He just shrugged, taking a sip of his juice and wincing at the taste. It was acid. He took some sugar and dumped it in it.

"Come on Vict. Cheer up! If he hasn't stopped talking to you, that's a good sign. He hasn't stopped talking to you, right?"

This time Victor smiled broadly. "We spent all night on the phone"

"See? You're overthinking stuff. Like always" she stated. She had a point "So when am I going to meet him?"

"I think you'd scare him away" he joked.

"If he ever breaks your heart, sure, I'll be the first to punch his face. If not, I'd be his best friend too"

Victor looked up, surprised at the candid words. What did he ever do to deserve a friend like this? One he could share everything with. Well, almost everything, he thought dryly. But he put those thoughts out of his mind, there was nothing he could do about that.

"You'll meet him" he assured her, and they continued talking about anything that came to mind.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Finally, Tuesday came along and though he was jumping at the prospect of seeing the blond boy again, he was more nervous than he'd felt in a long time around him. They'd only exchanged a few texts over the previous days, and Victor was worried Alex had had enough time to think things through. But when the blond walked into the store and sent him a genuine smile, his worries were put at ease for the moment.

He would've liked to go right over to him and kiss him, but they'd agreed on no signs of affection at work.

A few minutes later, Mr. Strauss called them to the office. They didn't speak when they entered, just shared a smile that made every insecurity he'd been feeling vanish even if just for a second.

"So, boys... Christmas break is coming. There's only two more weeks of hard work before closing the store until mid-January. Make sure to keep everything well stocked for Christmas shopping!"

They didn't have a chance to talk at all during their shift, the store was packed with people making early Christmas shopping, and it was only at the end of the day, when they were walking back home that Victor felt brave enough to grab Alex's hand.

"I have to admit I'm looking forward to Christmas this year" he said to start conversation.

"As opposed to every other year?" the blond asked.

"They just haven't been the same since my mom passed" he answered, not picking up on the change of Alex's demeanor until he heard him talk back almost distractedly.

"Yeah, I know what you mean" Victor frowned in confusion. What would Alex know about something like that?

"I thought your parents were alive? Don't you eat with them every once in a while?" Alex winced and seemed to hesitate.

"Ahmm, I guess I never explained…" they kept walking for a while. Vict didn't want to pry even though he was curious, but he was beginning to learn that the blond usually opened up on his own terms "I was adopted by my brother's family about the time I moved here" that came as a shock. Vict never would've guessed "Well, I guess he's not _really_ my brother…"

"What about your family?" being adopted at such an old age meant whatever happened must have happened recently.

"Remember when I told you life got complicated for a while?" he nodded "I lost a few people and things got hectic before I ended up with the Daniels" it wasn't an awfully thorough explanation, but he could understand not wanting to dwell too much on the loss of loved ones.

"I'm sorry" Alex waved him off.

"Things are better now. _I'm_ better now" and by the sound of it, he was trying to reassure himself as well.

Victor smiled and tugged on his arm to change course to the square they sometimes ended up after work when they wanted to spend more time together.

Alex sat over the railing around a fountain and Vict stood in front of him, resting his forearms on his thighs. This way, their faces were at the same height. He rested his forehead on Alex's shoulder and the blond put his arms around him.

Then Vict looked up to kiss him, which he'd been wanting to do for hours now, and their lips met softly for a few seconds. The kiss didn't las long, in Victor's opinion, because the blond turned aside ending the moment. Victor frowned but Alex wasn't looking at him.

He took a deep breath. There was something going on with the other boy and he couldn't help thinking it had something to do with him. He thought back on his conversation with Leyla and his heart picked up its pace. His hands started to sweat.

"You've been quiet these past few days" if Alex was having second thoughts about them, he needed to know "Are you sure we're okay?"

"Yeah" Alex whispered, still looking away.

"What is it then? Is it about Saturday?" it had to be.

"It's not because of you" Victor stood straighter, leaning away from the blond who, at the sudden movement, brought his gaze back to him.

"That sounds awfully like an 'it's not you, it's me' situation" he had seen it coming and yet it came as a shock all of the same.

"I'm not trying to break up with you" Alex corrected him, tugging on his shoulder to bring them closer once more "I just meant that what happened that day wasn't your fault, it was mine" Victor was shaking his head but the blond kept talking before he could interrupt "I'm not... the best at human contact. I kind of value my personal space" Alex explained making a circle-like motion with his arms around himself. Then he clasped his hands on Victor's cheeks to bring their lips closer "I'm not used to this, but I like it, I swear I do" Victor smiled in relief.

"Good, because I like it too" they kissed again. Victor knew they'd have to part ways soon though.

"I'll come see you at practice after work tomorrow" he offered, not wanting to spend so many days apart again.

"Don't you have practice too?"

"I'm thinking about quitting the team" he confessed as way of answering.

"What? Why?"

"I've been thinking about it for a while. I wanna focus on other stuff and I don't have enough time. I can barely make it to practice half the time anyway" it was half the truth, but he wasn't about to tell Alex the real reason he missed practice so much most of the time.

"It's not because of me, is it? You shouldn't give that up to spend more time together" he smiled at the genuine concern in Alex's voice.

"This time it's actually not you, it's me" he said with a smirk and Alex playfully shoved his shoulder.

"You're an idiot"

"You've said that" he stated.

"Are you sure about it?"

"Not really. The urge to drop it just comes and goes" he shrugged. Somedays he felt like he could take on the world. Some others...

"I think you shouldn't"

"We'll see" then Alex yelped when Victor leaned in to kiss him but ended up pulling him down from the railing, making the blond smack his lips against his throat. Victor laughed "We should get going"

"I don't think I like you being taller than me" Alex complained.

"Nothing you can do about it, shorty"

"Hey!" Alex launched forward as if to tackle him at the middle, making him take several steps back to avoid collision. Alex grinned at him devilishly "Being short has its advantages too" but he frowned when he noticed Victor's grimace "Does it still bother you?" he asked signaling his hip.

"Some" Victor sighed, hoping Alex wouldn't ask more about it and, maybe sensing his reluctance, he thankfully didn't.

"Alright. Let's go"

They walked back the way they'd come until the intersection came into view. Promising again he'd accompany him to his practice, they said their goodbyes and Victor walked the rest of the way home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

His uncle was still up.

"You're almost late" the man stated, taking a sip of his beer.

"Which means I'm not" he answered back dryly. He better just went down to his room.

"I'll leave tomorrow at dawn. Won't be home until Friday. Probably. I made sure you had enough food in the fridge. I'll leave some money for emergencies. Hey! I'm talking to you!" Victor stopped on his way to his room and turned around. He stared at his uncle unbelievably. What did he expect him to say? "You know, I'm making an effort here. It's not easy taking care of someone else's kid"

"I'm not a kid anymore, and no one asked you to do it" he took a step back when his uncle put the beer bottle down and stood up from the couch.

"Without me you would've ended up in foster care"

"Maybe it would've been better" Victor murmured under his breath and widened his eyes when his uncle reached him and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing painfully. Why the hell had he opened his mouth?

"You…" the man opened and closed his mouth a few times, not sure what insult to throw at him surely, and he brought his other arm up. Victor flinched. But all his uncle did was reach to pull him into a hug and hold him firmly in his arms. Victor's heart was beating wildly and he hesitated before returning the embrace "Your mother asked me to look after you. I'm doing the best I can. The least you could do is make an effort as well" his voice was unsteady and his breath smelled like alcohol. Still, Victor's eyes watered. He melted into the embrace.

"I try" he whispered. Then his uncle stepped away.

"Go on then. I'll see you when I get back"

Victor went to his room and leaned against the closed door. Two days of freedom starting then. He smiled sadly. He wished he could get his family back. The day he lost his mother, he began to lose his uncle too.

He reached for his phone.

* _See you tomorrow_ *

He texted the blond and he didn't fall asleep until he got an answer.

* _You won't, 'cause you'll be going to practice too_ *

He chuckled. He'd already made his choice. He'd quit the team by the end of the week.

* _Nice try_ *

Another beep of his phone.

* _;)_ *

He changed and went to bed. It had been a strange couple of days and he could only hope the free ones that followed would be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Vict’s PoV... yay or nay?  
> There aren’t many through the series but the do pop up once in a while :)


	12. One week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so much fun to write! It required a little editing towards the end but I managed to fix some mixed PoVs... Also, back to Alex on this one!

"You know, when you invited me over to your place I was expecting something different" Vict said after hearing Alex's plan for the afternoon "We're supposed to be on vacation Alex, I wasn't planning on working out"

Alex chuckled and opened the door to his apartment, letting Vict in before him.

It was the start of Christmas break and Alex had decided to put his plan into motion. They were still on the last week of school of the year, but work had already ended, making them have all afternoon to themselves. Alex thought it was the perfect opportunity to bring Vict home and introduce him to the fine arts of Karate, at least the basics, so he could defend himself better against whoever was causing those bruises he kept seeing Vict trying to hide.

"I'm not even dressed for it" Vict complained, signaling to the dark jeans that would prevent him from stretching properly.

"I'll let you borrow something" Alex replied nonchalantly, he wouldn't be deterred from his goal.

Ever since the incident at Vict's house a couple of weeks before, Alex had begun to pay more attention to the other boy's behavior. He hadn't completely bought Vict's explanation of ramming into the doorframe, not when since meeting him he could recall at least two other different purple marks on his body.

He had yet to ask openly about them. Alex knew they were walking a kind of tightrope, what with the tension that had been building between them since they'd crossed the line of intimacy, and he hadn't wanted to make matters worse by confronting Vict about his bruises.

Every time they were together Alex could feel the want of something more, but also his own reluctance to give in, and he could tell Vict noticed it too. Alex still wasn't ready to take the next step even though he was eager to.

And oh boy was he eager! Whenever they were kissing, and they happened to be alone, Alex couldn't help the waves of arousal screaming at him to do more, but the moments unavoidably ended with him feeling dizzy enough to stop himself and backtrack.

He could tell it frustrated Vict as well.

Alex's feelings for the boy did nothing but grow whenever they found themselves in such a predicament and yet he wouldn't push or make Alex feel any more guilty than he already did.

He also knew that the tension had to break sooner or later, which is why he'd decided to focus on his secret plan of helping Vict without the other boy knowing his intentions.

He showed him to the sparring room.

Vict whistled upon entering, looking left and right, inspecting the room.

"So this is where your Karate-kid training happens" Vict commented, making Alex roll his eyes "Am I ever going to meet Mr. Miyagi?" the other boy asked, clearly talking about Ben, but that was a subject Alex definitely wasn't ready to tackle.

"Come on" he said instead of answering, tugging on his arm "I'll show you my room"

" _That_ I gotta see" Vict said with a suggestive smile.

Alex only meant to go in and search for some sweatpants for them both, so he wasn't sure why his heart was beating so loudly. Vict began to inspect his desk while he rummaged through the drawer and Alex noticed he was nervous about Vict's impression of his room. No outsider had ever stepped foot in his room before, not this one or the ones before. This was his space, his most personal one, and he was sharing it with someone else. Yeah, he was nervous about Vict's reaction to it.

"You found them?" Vict's voice broke him out of his thoughts and he hurried to fish the first pair of sweats he found. He threw the grey ones to him.

"You can use the bathroom" he suggested.

Alex took his time alone to change and calm himself down. It wasn't the first time they were alone together and the plan today was one and one only.

When he went back outside and found Vict already in the sparring room, Alex's heart did a summersault. He couldn't even put into words what seeing Vict wearing his clothes was doing to him, and the feeling was completely new to him.

"Do they fit alright?" he asked around a gulp, making the rest of his way inside. Vict shrugged.

"They're a little short, but they'll do"

"Good. Shoes off" he ordered.

Alex made them stretch and move around a bit. The heating was on but the place was still cold.

"Alright, do you remember the move I taught you?"

"Hard to forget" Vict joked and Alex blushed but kept talking.

"Let's take it from there…"

They got in position.

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Vict asked while they practiced in slow motion the first evasive maneuver Alex had taught him.

"Because it's fun!" he answered enthusiastically. Under the light of one of their late night conversations, where they'd talked about only sharing work together, Alex had gotten the idea of helping Vict learn a bit of self defense disguising his intentions under the pretense of spending more time together. Since Vict still refused to go running with him, Alex had been able to guilt trip him into according to this.

"My idea of fun doesn't involve beating the crap out of each other" said the taller boy, turning around to throw his elbow back into Alex's face. He ducked out of the way and barked out a laugh.

"Please! Like you could beat me!" the blond edged on at the same time he began to speed up his movements. He wanted Vict to really engage in the exercise.

"Oi! I could!" the other boy protested, rising up to the challenge and pressing on.

"Prove it" Alex said with a smile on his face.

Vict did not disappoint.

For the next couple of hours Alex threw himself into his explanations and demonstrations while Vict made the effort to keep up with him. It wasn't easy and he made sure to complain about how sore he'd be the following day but, all in all, they were having fun.

They were also getting tired and soon enough, when Alex was in the middle of explaining how to tackle and pin someone to the ground, they began to fool around.

"I can see the advantages of learning this" Vict said when Alex indicated for him to straddle him and try to pin his arms by his side. Alex was supposed to wriggle free but was starting to get distracted by an onslaught of kisses the taller boy kept trying to give him. They began struggling for real, laughing at Vict's failed attempts of stealing a kiss from him. Alex wasn't expecting the poking fingers that began to tickle him and he laughed so hard it was hard to breathe.

"No, no!" he said, pleading between barks of laughter "You win!" Vict didn't stop his attack though and Alex wasn't going to give up like that. He began to tickle back.

Laughter erupted from the taller boy and Alex took advantage of the distraction to change their positions, but when he pushed his hips up to throw the other boy off, Vict pushed down and their hips rubbed against each other hard. They sobered up quickly when the motion was repeated again and Alex let out a sigh, locking his gaze on Vict before an evil glint sparked in his eyes and Alex quickly and expertly turned them around so now he was the one straddling Vict on the ground.

Feeling suddenly bold, Alex held Vict's hands above his head and leaned down to crash their lips together.

They kissed fiercely, their desire for each other evident in the enthusiastic rhythm of their lips. They didn't even part for air.

Vict tried to get his hands free, succeeding with only one of them because Alex wanted to frame his face while they continued to kiss. They finally broke apart briefly for air but dived right back into it when Vict put his hand on Alex's neck and brought it down once more.

The kiss turned into a battle of tongues, which Alex lost, letting Vict's tongue enter to explore his mouth.

Alex would've liked to blame the fuzziness of his brain to lack of air, but he was beginning to recognize the now familiar feeling that came with disorientation.

He broke the kiss to gulp in some air, turning his head to the side to avoid the lips that kept trying to chase his own but had to settle with exploring his cheek instead.

Alex was breathing heavily. He squeezed his eyes shut and pushed himself a bit up on his arms. He looked down at Vict's swollen lips, his eyes darkened with want and his own heavy pants. Well _, fuck_ … How could he stop this now? He wanted it was much as the other boy did.

He took a deep breath and braced himself to keep going.

Alex kissed Vict again, and again, and again. And their hands, now free from any hold, began to roam all over each other while their hips moved accordingly again, and again, and—

"Hey, Al—" Alex jumped at the sound of the door opening and he could swear his heart stopped working altogether when he saw Ben with his hand on the doorknob and with a stricken look on his face.

Time seemed to freeze on that spot in which Alex was painfully aware of the body still breathing heavily under him, his own fluttering pulse and the presence of his brother on the threshold.

"Ahmm, sorry. I'm gonna… sorry. I'll be outside" Ben stuttered before rushing out of the room.

It was like something suddenly clicked in him.

"Shit" Alex cursed and quickly got up from his position on the floor. He stumbled and dropped to one knee in his haste to reach the door, dimly aware of Vict scrambling off the floor after him and helping him get up again.

By the time he reached the door, though, it had already closed and he leaned his forehead against it, feeling his body grow cold and his vision dim. He kept whispering the same curse word under his breath, using it to try and ground himself because he could feel his grasp in reality slipping away.

"Alex" Vict whispered behind him, putting a hand on his back and making him jump and turn around so fast that Vict was startled into taking a step back "You okay?"

Alex slid down to the floor and hugged his knees close to his chest.

"I didn't want to tell him yet" he said, searching Vict's eyes desperately, finding the other boy had kneeled in front of him "I didn't!"

"Calm down. It's not such a bad thing" Vict tried to reassure him.

"Not such a bad thing? What if he doesn't approve?" he whisper-yelled, starting to grasp the consequences of what would happen if Ben didn't agree with this, didn't agree with _him_.

"You were gonna have to tell him eventually" but Alex was shaking his head.

"I didn't want him to know yet" he repeated. He felt Vict's hand reach for his own and in the midst of his panic, Alex latched on to it, his own hand as cold as it was shaky.

"I can help you tell him" Alex stared at him, considering the offer but shook his head again.

"I should talk to him alone" he whispered.

But he made no effort to move. He didn't want to face Ben yet. Besides, considering what they'd been caught doing, Alex figured they shouldn't walk out of the room so disheveled. So they sat there in silence, holding each other's hand while Alex gathered the courage to step outside. He had to do it eventually.

"You should go" he stated, looking at the other boy apologetically, remembering when not so long ago their roles where somewhat reversed and Vict had told him to leave his house, but the other boy just nodded understandingly and helped him off the floor.

Alex was glad Ben was nowhere to be seen while he walked Vict to the front door. They said their goodbyes lowly and Alex couldn't help but feel a small amount of relief when the door closed. If they hadn't been interrupted, Alex may have forced himself to succumb to his arousal despite feeling terribly unsteady at the moment.

His relief was short lived when he turned around and Ben was just standing there, leaning against the threshold that led to the hallway, his spying skills put to good use, since Alex hadn't heard him approach.

They stared at each other before Alex had to look away and he began to fidget with his hands, driving his right thumb into his left palm repeatedly.

He couldn't bear the silence.

"You're home early" the blond said, not knowing how to breach a topic he didn't want to discuss at all.

"Slow day at the office" the older man answered calmly before silence enveloped them again while Alex worried himself with the tiled floor and Ben studied him from his position against the wall.

After a while, Ben spoke again

"You could've told me" Alex looked up at him and what he saw in Ben's expression he didn't like, because he didn't understand it. It was a mixture of surprise, disappointment… anger?

"How?" he answered in a whisper, not sure what else he could say.

"I mean, I knew there was something going on with you. I just didn't realize it would be…" he trailed off and Alex regarded him curiously.

"Go ahead" Alex prompted him, impatient to get this conversation over with "Say whatever you gotta say" it came out sharper than he'd meant, but his dismay due to Ben finding out about Vict was quickly turning into anger. He hadn't wanted things to go like this.

"How long has this been happening?" Alex guessed there was no point in saying anything other than the truth.

"Couple of months"

Silence fell between them again while Ben considered his answer. Alex wasn't expecting the angle Ben decided to focus on.

"I thought we agreed it was dangerous to lie" Ben stated, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"I haven't lied. I just hadn't told you yet"

"Were you planning to?" Alex remained silent "And what if something had happened and I wasn't able to find you because you weren't with whom you'd told me you'd be with?

"You're overreacting" Alex accused.

"Am I? One can never be too careful Alex, especially not with—" but the older man stopped himself before he could finish that sentence.

"What?"

"Nothing"

"Especially not with me, right? Because I'm a trouble magnet" Alex said, hands now over his hips in a challenging posture.

"I didn't say that" Ben stated.

"You might as well have" Alex retorted back and, seriously, he knew he wasn't making things easy.

"We can't exactly ignore your track record" Alex frowned, and a drop of sarcasm entered his voice.

"Awesome, so now I'm the problem"

"Goddammit Alex, that's not what I'm saying!" Ben leaned away from the wall and ran a hand through his short hair. Alex knew he was pushing the situation.

"What are you saying then?" but for some reason, he couldn't back out of the conversation now. Ben took his time to answer, his voice lower and calmer when he finally spoke.

"You should've told me"

They remained like that, staring at each other as if they were in a blinking contest, except that instead of blinking first, they were competing to see who'd admit the other one was right first. Alex was the one to break the silence, but he was missing Ben's point entirely.

"You wouldn't be this upset about it if it was a girl"

"That doesn't have anything to do with this" the older man tried to explain, but the blond was hellbent in maintain his position.

"It has everything to do with it! You even joked about it at dinner the other night. What? It wouldn't have been a problem if I was lying to go meet a girl but it's a problem the other way around?" boy, was he on a roll!

"That's not the point"

"That's exactly the point! Why do you think I didn't tell you? It's not like it was fun keeping it a secret but how could I tell you something like this?"

"Who you go out with isn't the problem. The problem's not trusting me enough to tell me"

"Why, so you could tell me how wrong it is? Go on, say it" Alex said, gesturing his hands in an inviting manner.

"No" Ben deadpanned, staring unflinchingly at Alex and the frustration emanating from him.

"Tell me it's wrong" he demanded, his voice turning colder by the second.

"I won't do that"

"Well, it can't be right if it's got you so riled up"

"Do _you_ think it's wrong?" and God if he didn't sound like his freaking therapist! Alex thought.

"I don't think it's wrong in people, I just think it's wrong in me" Alex stated, surprising himself by voicing one of his deepest thoughts.

"Why do you think that?" the blond huffed and ran a hand through his hair before throwing his arms up in exasperation.

"Because a man fucking raped me! How am I supposed to like a guy after that?"

Alex started pacing the livingroom then. He’d been dancing around the subject since the moment he figured out he had feelings for Victor, but he kept pushing the guilt aside because he liked being with him so damn much. But fuck if it wasn’t messed up! To let himself have feelings, desires, for another man after being violated by another. Surely there was something wrong with him.

Ben cleared his throat to call his attention back to him.

"Why are you angry Alex?" he asked.

"I'm not angry. _You're_ angry" Alex retorted back.

Ben let out a sigh. "I'm not angry"

"You're not exactly happy about this" Alex had stopped his pacing to stand in front of Ben.

"I haven't said that either"

"Yes, you have!"

"Why are you attacking me? I'm just trying to understand"

"Because I can't attack him! And we both know how I get when I want to attack _me_ " Alex said, a hand clenching over his chest. Things had come to a peak.

"That's not funny" Ben said after a pause, his voice hard once more.

"I'm not joking" the blond replied in an even tone.

"Alex, if you're having thoughts like before—" but the young man seemed to realize where the conversation had veered to and he was quick to add.

"I'm not. I…" it was like a switch had suddenly been turned off, and all the frustration and anger left him to deal with the rest of the confrontation. He knew how sensitive Ben was about that subject "I shouldn't have brought that up. I'm sorry" but when the older man remained silent, regarding him with a more than concerned expression, Alex kept apologizing "I promise, I haven't been thinking like that. I was just running my mouth"

Alex then completely deflated and went to sit down at the dinning table with a heavy sigh. He was tired, like his body weighted a ton. He ran his hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry" he repeated when Ben took a seat in the chair opposite from him.

"I'm not mad about you seeing someone. I just don't like the secrecy. I thought we were past that"

Alex glanced at him briefly before fixing his eyes once more on the table, running his finger over the rough edges of the wood. Then Ben’s demeanor changed and his voice adopted a warmer taint.

"Actually, I don't think I've heard you laugh that hard in a very long time, if ever"

Alex didn't break his concentration on the table. To anyone, the scene would look like a sulky teenager giving his older brother the silent treatment. Ben knew the young man was trying hard to organize his thoughts and emotions. He wouldn't talk again until he felt composed enough.

"What's his name?"

"Victor" Alex answered, and it only took a second for Ben to register the name.

"The rookie?" the blond nodded and went back to being silent.

"No wonder you like working so much" but his joke fell flat when Alex's eyes remained glued to the table once more.

Apparently though, he wasn't succeeding in controlling his rolling emotions as much as he’d thought, because when Alex leaned back against the chair with his arms tightly crossed over his chest, his eyes were beginning to shine. He finally looked up and locked eyes with Ben.

"Is it wrong?" he asked, voice dangerously close to breaking.

Ben leaned over the table, closer to him, and made Alex hold his unwavering gaze. "Listen to me, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're allowed to like whoever you decide to like"

"But what Serhiy did…" and Ben looked surprised to hear him say that name out loud. They avoided bringing the name up at all costs.

"May or may not have anything to do with it. Have you thought about that?"

"I-I can't be sure" Alex had dedicated many sleepless nights to wondering just that, if how he felt was a consequence of that man's abuse or if he had already been like that.

"It doesn't matter anyway. What matters is what you feel now"

"So you don't mind me seeing him?" Alex asked, an undercurrent of relief evident in his voice.

"I don't mind that it's a he, if that's what you're asking"

"But you mind that I _am_ seeing someone" it wasn't a question, but it went unanswered either way.

"How much do you like him?" Alex considered his answer for a moment.

"A lot. I… I like him a lot. I can't even explain it or put it into words" he confessed, worrying his hands together once more.

"Well, I'm not saying I don't. I don't even know him. I just want to make sure you're ready for something like this"

"I can take care of myself" Alex jumped almost defensively.

"That's not what I'm arguing here" Alex opened his mouth to say something back but closed it when no words came to his aid. The motion was repeated a few times before Ben filled the silence himself "What is it Alex?" the young man fixed his gaze on him.

"I just need you to be okay with the way I apparently am" Alex wasn't about to throw into the already hectic conversation his doubts about him being ready or not for a relationship. And he was definitely not gonna start talking about the most pressing matter: his apparent inability to be intimate with someone.

"I'm okay with any way you are, Alex. You're my brother"

"No, I'm not" Alex wasn't even sure himself why he always remarked the fact they weren't really brothers, not by blood.

"Yes, you are! And nothing's gonna change that" the older man answered back heatedly, just like every other time he's had to make that same statement. Maybe all Alex was after was the constant reassurance of those words. That was something he never got tired of hearing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex retreaded into his room shortly after, changing out of the sweatpants and picking up Vict's from the sparring room where the other boy had left them after changing back to his own jeans before leaving the apartment. He threw them on the bed.

He felt drained, but he also felt restless.

The last couple of hours had him feeling on edge and nervous as hell. Ben catching him and Vict about to do a lot more than rolling around wasn't something he'd been ready to deal with and yet he'd been forced to do it. But that wasn't even what worried him the most, it was the fact that he'd been willing to cross that line right then and there when he'd looked into Vict's eyes and decided that he'd give him anything. Everything. And yet he was sure he wouldn't have done it, because he wouldn't have been able to. He was sure he'd been about to pass out and maybe Ben walking in on them had been more of a blessing than he realized at the time.

But when was he going to be ready to take that step? The issue wasn't even not being sure about who he'd be taking that step with. He was confident Vict was the right person at this moment in time and he didn't want to lose whatever they were building because he wasn't brave enough to just do it. If he kept postponing it, Vict would surely get tired of waiting, of almost getting there but not quite doing anything.

He didn't want to lose him.

With that thought in mind, he picked up his phone, smiling when there was a message already in it.

* _Are you alive?*_

Barely, Alex thought. Instead, he typed other words.

* _5 minutes?_ *

The reply came quickly.

* _Four_ *

Alex sighed and went to the door, crossing the apartment and putting on his jacket.

He was about to open the door when a thought crossed his mind and he walked back to knock on Ben's door.

"I'm going out for a few" he announced, blushing when Ben sent him a conspirational smile.

"Don't come back too late" Alex nodded and walked back out.

The park they usually met at was five minutes away from his place, and four minutes away from Vict's. The other by was already there, waiting for him by their usual spot.

"So, are we being forced to break up never to see each other again?" Vict asked, welcoming Alex with a hug and a squeeze of his shoulder.

"Tone it down, Romeo" Alex joked back, giving him a kiss.

"That means you're Juliet?" Alex punched him in the stomach "Okay, okay! Not Juliet"

"Actually I think it could've been worse. He's okay with it, mostly" the blond surmised. He hadn't asked Vict to meet himthere to talk about Ben "What are you doing next week?" Vict raised his eyebrow at the question.

"It's Christmas next week" Alex stepped closer and planted a few kisses on his cheek before giving him one on the lips.

"I know. What are you doing _before_ Christmas?" Vict giggled when Alex began to nuzzle his neck.

"Nothing? Why?"

"Next week…" Alex began, stopping to smack his lips once more against his "We're gonna do it" another kiss. Vict frowned.

"Come again?" he asked, confusion written all over his face. Alex stopped showering him with signs of affection and regarded him with an intense gaze. It was now or never. He'd made his choice. He wanted this.

"You and I, we're gonna do it next week. Are you okay with that?" not exactly the gentlest approach, he thought, but otherwise he would've lost his nerve. Vict was speechless for a moment, maybe trying to find signs of mockery in his words. Alex was not joking.

"O-Okay. Yeah. I'm good with that"

And just like that, Alex had a week, just one week, to fix whatever was wrong with him and prepare himself to do something he hadn't seen himself doing ever again in his life, not until this funny, kind handsome boy came into his life to slap him with his carefree personality and his movie referenced jokes.

One week.

Just one week.


	13. One hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so powerful to write, and hard! Alex’s mind is like a war zone in this one, so be ready!   
> Also (WARNING) smut!! And other things, like angst. Lots and lots of angst 😈

_Monday:_

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 days until Christmas. Christmas was on Saturday. They would meet up on Friday.

Friday. 1, 2, 3, 4 days until Friday.

They were going to do it. He was going to sleep with him. And he wanted to do it. To feel Vict's hands on his body, running through his hair, going up and down his…

He was gonna do it.

What should he wear for it? Where were they going to go? What would Vict be wearing? It didn't matter anyway. They were going to be naked.

Naked. He was gonna see him naked. Completely. He shuddered.

Was he going to like it? Was he going to like him?

People say they like it. They do it a lot. There must be a reason.

He thinks he's gonna like it. He likes Vict. Likes it when they're together, when they kiss, when they touch. Vict touched him once before. Just a second. It was good.

He wanted that. He really did.

They were going to do it. On Friday, they were gonna do it.

_Tuesday:_

Could he do it? It was too soon. How long had they been seeing each other? One month, two months. It was too soon. Or was it too late? Would it hurt? People say it hurts. But they do it all the time. He remembers it hurts. A lot.

He won't be able to do it. It won't fit. It will hurt.

But they had to do it. Relationships need that. Does he need that? He was sure Vict did.

1, 2, 3 days until Friday.

He won't be able to do it. He's not ready. It's too soon. Or is it too late? It's been two years. Almost two years since him. But only two months since him.

What if Vict doesn't like it? What if Vict doesn't like him?

Maybe he should do some research, to know what to do, what to expect.

It doesn't seem to hurt, but people say it hurts. This must be fake. He shouldn't watch it.

He shouldn't have told him anything. Just let things run its course. That would've been better. Now he has to do it. He can't back out.

He wants to back out.

He wants to do it. He's not ready to do it.

_Wednesday:_

He has to practice. Friday night is 1, 2 days away. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do, but he knows he can't say no now. If he does, Vict will walk out in him. He promised. He has to do it.

So, practice.

Vict's gonna see him naked. He should be able to see himself too.

Come on. 1, 2, 3, 4 scars. There's more. He won't show them all. _You have to look down_. Yes, down.

He was staring. It was normal. How would he know? It looks like the ones from yesterday. At least he thinks so. Would it be okay for Vict? What does Vict's look like? 1, 2 days to know.

He was supposed to be practicing. Alone in his room. He could do this. He needed to do this.

Come on. Up and down. This doesn't hurt. It feels good. But it's slow going. It's been a year without doing this. How was it taking so long when it only took Vict a kiss to get it going?

He couldn't kiss himself, he needed Vict. _Think about him_. He's hot. _I like him a lot_. 1, 2 days to see him again. He wanted to talk to him.

Forced penetration without stretching methods or any kind of lubricant can be extremely dangerous, not to say painful… _Don't think about that!_ He didn't want to remember that.

It was going to be painful. He knew it. But he had to do it.

He needed practice. It was working now. It was good. A year without this. It's good.

It's…

It's…

Okay, yeah.

 _I'm_ …

It was good.

Was it?

_Thursday:_

No running. He couldn't believe he did that. He wouldn't get out of bed, though he should clean it. Ben wouldn't bother him today, he had work still. Wouldn't be free until Christmas Eve. 1, 2 days until Christmas. Friday tomorrow.

He was dirty. Maybe he should take a shower, but he didn't want to get up. He would've gone running otherwise.

But no running today. Just thinking, about tomorrow, about last night. He'd done that. It was good while it lasted. The nightmare wasn't fun.

Why did he tell Vict they'd do it? It was stupid. He was stupid. He wasn't ready, he didn't want to. But Vict wanted and he wanted Vict. He didn't want to let go. He liked him. That meant he had to do it.

But last night was weird. He kept thinking about Vict but images kept blocking him out. He remembered, he remembered everything. The voice, the touch, the pain. One year that felt like one second. He'd never be free of him. He'd never be free of that. He wanted to forget, to be okay with it. But he shook and he cried and he remembered every time. He wasn't ready. It was too soon.

Maybe he should cancel. Tell Vict something came up and he couldn't make it. What a coward, but there was no other way. He was gonna screw things up. He would ruin everything.

He already had.

One day until Friday. He'd call him. He wouldn't do it.

_Friday:_

Last day until Christmas. Vict must be waiting for him. He said he'd go later. They would spend the night, but he hadn't left home yet. He didn't know what to wear. What do you wear to your own funeral? Vict would probably look amazing. He was good looking. He was hot. He'd definitely be smiling, he would make a joke. His smell alone would make him go insane and they were going to do it.

He wouldn't back down. He wanted this, he wanted him. To smell him, to touch him, to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him and he wanted to be with him.

He was gonna do it. There'd be no fear, no doubt, no regret. He was gonna step up and squash his fear like a bug. Because that's what he was, an insect, and he was gonna prove himself he could do it. He wasn't going to lose Vict because he was stupid, because he was scared, because he was damaged. There would be no damage today. He was ready. It was time.

 _Don't pass out. Don't you fucking pass out!_ This is it. It's now or never. It can't be never, because he wouldn't lose Vict today. He couldn't. He was going to give him everything, he was going to be taken. He was going to be his. It doesn't matter if it hurts. It will probably hurt. He could handle pain, he'd done it before. This time he wanted it. If there was any pain, he wanted it, because he wanted him and he wasn't going to lose him.

One hour. From one week to one hour and it was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 days until Christmas. Now it's one hour until Friday. Christmas was tomorrow and everything was going to be alright because he was gonna do it and he wouldn't lose Vict. They'd be together and he was going to like it because people liked it and he was someone too.

Tonight, everything would be alright.

He was gonna do it.

He wouldn't lose Vict. He couldn't.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If he didn't want to lose Vict that night, he was going to have to ring the bell sooner rather than later. He was standing at the other boy's front door, his hand raised in midair waiting for the courage to push the button. He did. The sound deafening in his ears. The door opened barely five seconds later.

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Come in" Vict stood aside to let him in.

Alex had been right. Vict smelled _good_. There was something about the other boy's smell that called to him so deeply he found himself taking as deep a breath as he could when he walked by him and into the house. Alex didn't know if Vict used a specific cologne, or if the smell came from his soap or shampoo. It could even be his laundry detergent. He liked not knowing though, that way he could associate whatever he was smelling with him, just him. It was his smell, Vict's smell and it drove him crazy.

"Sorry we couldn't hang out this week much" the taller boy said after closing the door and following him in.

"It's okay" Alex had needed the time for himself anyway.

His eyes landed on the couch when they made it to the living room.

Thinking about what they were supposed to do that night, the memories attached to the couch seemed to taunt him and suggest he was destined to fail, that he wouldn't be able to do it. But he would make sure he did.

"So… I wasn't sure if you wanted to eat dinner. I was thinking we could order something I you want. I didn't cook anything, in case you didn't want to eat before…or after?"

"I hadn't thought about it" Alex replied, he’d barely thought about anything other than tonight for the past week, and food was something that hadn't even crossed his mind.

"Well, we can do whatever you want. If you're hungry, we can eat first"

"I'm not hungry" Alex deadpanned.

"Right. Right. We can eat later" Alex didn't want to eat at all.

"Your uncle's out, right?"

"Yeah, he left this morning. Won't be home for Christmas. I promise" that was reassuring. The last thing Alex needed was to be caught by another adult and then be thrown out of the house like last time "Come on, I'll show you around"

Alex could tell the other boy was nervous too, if his previous rambling was any indication. He guessed they could both use the house tour to take their mind off things.

"What about this room?" Alex asked, making an effort to follow Vict's description of the place.

"Another guest room. We never use any of them. My uncle's room is that way" he explained, signaling to a door at the end of the hall. The house was definitely big "And this is mine" he finished, opening the door to his right and inviting Alex in.

The first thing Alex noticed was the floor. It was carpeted, absorbing the sound of their footsteps as soon as they walked in.

The walls were painted a dark blue. Shelves of books adorned one of the walls, a desk sat in the middle of another one, holding scattered papers and text books in an apparent organized chaos. Alex smiled when he picked up a French book.

He continued to inspect the room, Vict following him around to end up leaning over the desk, hands holding into the edge of the wood and legs crossed in front of him.

The bed was opposite him. A double bed that held equally dark covers as the walls. It looked as comfortable as the ones on T.V. commercials.

He turned to one of the book shelves.

"Sherlock Holmes fan?" he asked "Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter… The Hunger Games? Seriously?" Vict shrugged.

"They're good enough"

Alex turned back around. He was running out of things to look at. He closed his eyes for a moment and stilled his nerves. He could do this, but he needed to do it now.

He turned around.

He walked back to the desk and stepped closer to Vict, reaching out with his hand to intertwine his fingers with his, pulling on them to make the other boy stand up and close the remaining distance between them. Vict smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

The kiss stated slow, just a few pecks on the lips between smiles that grew longer and longer with every passing second. Unlike usual, this time it was Alex who asked permission with his tongue to enter and the taller boy gladly complied.

Alex's heart was already beating wildly and by the time Vict's hand reached under his shirt, he was pretty sure his heartbeat could be heard out loud.

Vict ran his hand slowly up his chest, dragging his shirt up in the process and making Alex flinch slightly when cold fingers caressed his already hot skin. Vict's hand reached his beating heart and he rested his palm over it, dangerously close to his bullet wound, something he didn't feel like explaining at the moment. Vict broke the kiss to stare at him and smile, no doubt laughing because of the wild pulse he could feel under his hand. Alex blushed and made an effort to keep his breathing shallow, not wanting his chest to move as if he was drowning.

Something sparked then in Vict's eyes and he removed his hand from Alex's chest in favor of pulling at the hem of his own shirt and taking it off.

And, oh God…

Alex was openly staring, his eyes roaming every inch of exposed skin in front of him. None of them had spoken for a while, but Alex's eyes must have been screaming his desire, and he tentatively, with unsteady hands, reached to touch the other boy's abdomen.

He moved his hand slowly, taking his time to explore every crease, every hard and soft spot, and lightly scraping the skin with his fingernails. Vict shivered under the sensual touch, taking a step forward to come close again and putting his hand back under Alex's shirt.

This time, Alex's back was the target and the taller boy pulled him close to resume their kissing.

They were chest to chest now. Alex didn't know where to put his hands. Should he embrace him? Put them on his hips? He settled with resting them on his shoulders.

Vict was caressing the small of his back and Alex was trying to breathe through the kiss. When Vict began to tug on his shirt though, Alex's mind sharpened enough to take a hold on his hand and stop him. Wanting to distract the other boy from his task, Alex guided his hand to the front, lower over the waistband of his jeans. Shirt now forgotten, Vict worked his way around the button and pulled down the zipper.

Alex broke the kiss and stared up at him. He nodded to the unasked question and Vict kept going. He slipped his hand under the garment and Alex closed his eyes with a sigh. Vict stole a kiss from him before placing a few on his cheek, letting Alex rest his head in the crook of his neck. The blond let out a slow moan when Vict's hand continued to move over his underwear and he clung to his shoulders for support.

It felt so good. With every slide of his hand, a wave of pleasure hit him. He'd already come to the conclusion that it never took Vict too much effort to make arousal spark within him, but it was almost ridiculous how quickly he could feel about to explode, and he began to push his hips into Vict's hand to increase the pressure. He was panting and he gasped sharplywhen Vict slipped his hand _into_ his boxers to touch his member directly. Alex's knees went weak.

Vict was sucking a spot on his shoulder, alternating between kissing, sucking and licking, and Alex was losing his mind. He reached down to grasp Vict's hand though he didn't stop him. He continued to cling to the other boy with his other arm, putting more weight into him when his legs stopped being strong enough to hold him. He was panting hard.

"…lex? Hey" he didn't notice Vict was calling for him until the hand stroking him stopped and grabbed him by the waist.

"Huh" he was incapable of forming more coherent words.

"You okay?" he wasn't, he knew it, but he nodded.

He squeezed Vict's wrist almost painfully, the strength of the hold helping him regain some ground. He leaned forward to engage Vict in a fierce kiss. He wasn't going to stop this. Not today.

Alex turned them around and made them walk towards the bed. If they were laying down, there was less risk of falling on his ass and making a fool of himself.

When the back of Vict's knees hit the bed, the other boy flopped back into it with a giggle, resting his weight on his elbows and gazing up at Alex with an inviting look in his eyes. He looked so _enticing_ that Alex's head began to spin. He was supposed to have this? He wouldn't back down from it. He couldn't.

They smiled at each other before Alex gathered the courage to sit on Vict's lap, the position resembling the day they'd been making out in the spar room. This was happening.

Their bodies were angled so that their erections were right against each other's. Alex could feel the other boy's hardness pressing against his own and he gave an experimental roll down that elicited a gasp from the other boy and sent shivers down his spine.

He leaned down to kiss him. And they kissed and kissed and kissed until his lungs were screaming for air. Still, they kissed.

They began to move their hips wildly, Vict as eager as he was to increase the pleasure emanating from the contact. Alex broke the kiss in favor of letting out a moan he couldn't contain any longer.

His hips were moving almost of his own accord and he would've liked to slow the motion down, but his body wasn't responding to any of his commands. He frowned.

He put his hands on Vict's chest as leverage to sit up straighter, his arms shaking so much with the effort that he slipped and fell on top of him with a thud, his head spinning in the process.

 _Come on, not now!_ His breathing was so irregular and loud that he, again, couldn't hear what Vict was saying until the other boy sat up, bringing him up with him and framing his head with both hands to get his attention.

"… all night. Slow down" Alex shook his head and removed himself from Vict's lap, standing on his feet and immediately falling to his knees when the spinning of the room increased by a tenfold.

"Damn it!" he hissed, pressing a hand to his temple. Vict sat closer to the edge of the bed and went to touch his cheek. Alex swatted his hand away and reached for the button of Vict's jeans. He tried to undo them with shaky fingers.

"What is it?" Vict asked, trying to slow Alex's hands.

"Nothing" the blond replied, doubling his efforts against Vict's protests.

"Slow down, Alex, calm down"

"I want this!" he stated heatedly, anger the only thing sharp enough to keep his mind in the present, on the task at hand. He tugged on the waistband of Vict's pants so hard he pulled the other boy out of bed and made him fall on his knees in front of him.

"Hey, hey, Alex!" the blond didn't stop his desperate attempts.

"Come on, we have to do it. How do you want me? What do I do?" Vict stared at him, probably freaked out by his behavior and Alex was hit with a wave of embarrassment so strong he ceased his attack on the other boy's clothes and began scrambling away "Fucking stupid!" he told himself, getting back on his feet.

He was breathing so hard he was hyperventilating now, and he would've kissed the floor if Vict hadn't reacted fast enough to catch him, but Alex still wanted to get away. He couldn't stand Vict's proximity, not when he'd just ruined everything.

"Alex, stop. Stop!" he was making them lose balance, they would surely hit the floor.

"I can't… can't" he couldn't breathe. He'd ruined everything.

He was wheezing, he was falling, the room was spinning faster.

"Alex!" he didn't have time to answer back. The last thing he saw before blacking out was Vict's frown staring down at him.

He'd ruined everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy... mission not accomplished...


	14. What a complicated night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so heartbreaking... I guess if you need a warning, it would be for that :/

When Alex regained consciousness, he felt like he'd stepped back in time.

He'd woken up enough times in this situation to know where he was and what was going on around him without even having to open his eyes.

What made his whereabouts instantly recognizable was, first and foremost, the cold air filled with antiseptic smell that instead of making people feel better, he was pretty sure it just made them feel worse.

He wriggled his fingers to assess his level of mobility and noticed the weight of a pulse oximeter on his left index finger. Paying closer attention to his hand, he also felt the stretching of the skin caused by a tape holding an iv-line secure. When he felt the soft sting of the needle in his hand, he stopped moving. At least there was no heart monitor.

Alex sighed and opened his eyes. Sure enough, he was in a hospital. Not a private room but and individual triage box in what must have been the emergency room.

The place was small, with barely enough room for the gurney he was laying on, not even a proper bed, and an uncomfortable metal chair with a single occupant in it. There was no door, as he was surrounded by curtains that let the hectic noises of the emergency room make their way undisturbed to him.

He looked to his left when the voice of a woman came from behind the curtain, probably the patient in the next room. The woman, elderly by the sound of it, kept complaining about the cold while a nurse assured her there was nothing else they could do besides giving her more blankets.

He jumped when a wail was heard from outside his room, if it could even be called that. Alex didn't even want to know what that was about, so he tried to block the screaming out. His head was beginning to pound.

"Alex?" the blond's eyes finally landed on the only other person in the room. Vict was looking at him expectantly "How do you feel?"

Alex felt sleepy, like he'd just woken up from a long nap, which he kind of had, but he didn't feel dizzy or disoriented. He didn't feel weak or even about to fall asleep again. He merely just felt ashamed, because he knew why he was there. He remembered every painful minute of the night before.

"Fine" or was it still today? There were no windows or clocks available to clue him in on what time it might be "How long have I been here?"

"The ambulance just arrived 20 minutes ago. They gave you some fluids but mostly they said we had to wait until you woke up" Alex noticed that the other boy's voice was as serious and even-toned as he'd ever heard it. He looked away.

"You didn't have to call an ambulance" his own voice was mechanical and impersonal.

"Nothing I did could wake you up. I wasn't just gonna leave you like that"

"Did you tell them what happened?" Alex asked, still looking away from Vict.

"I tried, not that I understand it myself" there was a pause before he added "I didn't tell them what we were doing if that's what you're worried about" that last comment was just too awkward to say anything back.

Alex suddenly looked around, searching for his phone. He was relieved to notice he wasn't either naked under the blanket or wearing a hospital gown. He used the hand not attached to the iv to go through his pockets.

"Where's my phone? I need to call my brother"

"The receptionist already did. He's your emergency contact, right? He should be getting here any time soon" Vict replied, fishing Alex's phone from his own pocket anyway and handing it to him.

Alex was surprised there were no missed calls.

He wondered what they'd told Ben. It was eerily scary the amount of times he'd given the man quite the scare.

Alex remained quiet, not really sure how to break the tension in the room, if it was even breakable at all. He felt so unnerved he flinched when another loud scream made him look at the small opening in one of the curtains.

"I think that's the guy with the dislocated shoulder that arrived at the same time we did" Vict explained, breaking the silence between them. Or trying to, because Alex didn't answer back "What did I do?" the other boy suddenly blurted out. Alex regarded him intently, surprised at the intensity behind Vict's question.

"Nothing" he replied, as if it was obvious because to him, it was.

"Why did you get like that then?"

"I hadn't eaten all day because I was nervous. It just got to me I guess" always the same excuse.

"I'm not talking about fainting, you got weird before. So what did I do wrong?"

"Weird…" Alex savored the word in his mouth, ignoring Vict's question. That was one way of putting in. He looked away again "I don't know"

"Is it because—" but he wasn't able to finish his question because the curtain was suddenly thrown aside and a worried looking Ben walked in. The former spy roamed his eyes frantically over Alex's form until they landed on his face and he let out a sigh when he noticed Alex was awake.

"I'm fine" the blond answered before the question could be asked, glad that the conversation taking place before was interrupted.

"Did a doctor say that?"

Vict chose that moment to make himself known again. "He just woke up. I was about to call for a nurse" he said, getting up from the chair and pressing the call button.

Ben stared at the other boy for a moment, an indecipherable expression on his face.

When the nurse came in, the place seemed overcrowded. Alex was actually surprised the nurse didn't ask one, or even both of them to leave. She began asking questions.

Alex answered them as truthfully as he could, if telling the truth meant lying his ass off in every question. Then sure, he was telling the truth. He was pretty sure that by the end of it, he was going to be diagnosed with an eating disorder, especially with Vict adding his two cents about the other couple of times Alex had lost his bearings and used his not eating excuse.

He could tell Ben was confused, though he was trying hard not to let it show. He was standing close to the gurney with his arms crossed over his chest. One look at him and Alex could tell he was in soldier mode, acting on protective duty.

"We'll run some bloodwork and then a doctor will come see you" the nurse stated when she finished writing his chart. She only stepped out of the room for a minute to gather the things she'd need for the procedure. Nobody spoke until she returned.

Alex didn't like having his blood drawn with an audience, but he chose to stay quiet and just go with it. The faster they did this, the sooner he could be sent home and the situation could come to an end. The room was so quiet though, that by the time the woman next door began complaining again and saying she would die that night, Alex was about ready to bolt.

As it turned out, the unnerving noise of the emergency room was the least of his worries when the nurse finished taking his blood samples and left them alone once more. Alex almost wished she came back to take more blood when he heard Ben clear his throat.

"So… you're Victor" the other boy looked apprehensive but ready to stand his ground.

"Umm yes. Hi" he offered his hand for Ben to shake "I hoped we'd meet under different circumstances"

"Indeed" the older man replied. Alex could tell he was sizing the other boy up. He didn't like what he saw on Ben's face "Thanks for helping him, for bringing him here"

"Of course"

"He overreacted. Coming here wasn't necessary" Alex blurted, not wanting to the conversation to turn into them talking about him like he wasn't there.

"I beg to differ" answered Ben "When did you start not eating well?" Alex didn't know how to answer that. He wasn't supposed to lie to Ben.

"He kind of blacked out around the time I started working at the shop. September maybe?" Alex glared at the other boy, an irrational feeling of betrayal settling within him. He was not having a conversation about fictional health problems right now.

"You don't have to wait for the i.v. bag to finish. You can go home" Alex said, desperately wanting to be left alone for a while.

"I don't mind waiting" Vict answered back.

"It's getting late, you should be getting home" Alex insisted. He was starting to feel caged.

"I want to make sure you're alright"

"I'm fine, really. Once the bag's over, I'm out of here" at least, he hoped so.

"I'll wait then" the other boy was nothing if not persistent. He was standing with his hands on his hips, raising an eyebrow at him as it to challenge him to keep pushing for him to leave.

"Victc—"

"I don't want to go, Alex" he stated firmly, leaving no room for debate. Alex didn't even think.

"But _I_ want you to go!" he almost yelled. In the silence that followed, a needle falling to the floor could've been heard.

They stared at each other. Alex couldn't even bring himself to regret the outburst because he honestly needed some distance right now. He was sure the other boy wanted answers, answers that he couldn't give him. He couldn't keep talking to him right now.

"Victor, come on, Alex needs to rest. Maybe you should be heading home" Vict took his time to answer, his eyes still trained on Alex and only glancing briefly at Ben when he spoke. He let out a defeated sigh.

"You'll let me know when you get home" it wasn't a question or a request, it was said more as an order to which Alex nodded, but keept his head down, staring at his lap. Vict took a step closer to the gurney and brushed Alex's fingers, intent on taking his hand but the blond reacted on instinct and flinched away, turning his head even more. Vict withdrew his hand and gave Alex a hurtful look, one that he missed by keeping his eyes cast aside. The other boy walked out of the room in a hurry.

The moment Vict stepped out of the room, Alex turned away from the curtain and curled in on his side, making every effort not to let his heart beat any faster than it already was.

Ben closed the curtain and walked around the gurney to sit on the chair the other boy had occupied. They were now eye leveled.

"Al, what's going on? What's this about you not eating? And you've fainted before?" Alex shook his head, he didn't want to explain "Or does it have to do with Victor?"

"I don't have a problem with food" Alex finally said. That was something he needed to make clear for the older man. He didn't need Ben fussing about his eating habits on top of everything else.

"Then what is it? Why did you faint?" if possible, Alex curled even more into himself "Alex, I swear to God… Did he hurt you? Did he do anything to you? Did he try—"

"Stop. Stop" Ben's questions weren't helping him fight off his agitation "He didn't do anything. This isn't his fault"

"Then what the hell happened?" Alex looked up at him, opened his mouth and closed it again "Alex!"

"We tried to do it, okay!?" he finally blurted out. He needed to get the truth out of his chest, for it was starting to feel painfully compressed "We tried but I couldn't. I never can and I passed out—” he gasped, out of breath, as if suddenly realizing what had happened even though he hadn't forgotten "I passed out on him. I passed out on him. I… we were gonna do it and I passed out on him"

"Oh" Alex was pretty sure Ben hadn't seen that coming "Okay, calm down now" but Ben must have known Alex was too distraught to keep talking now. He put a hand on the blond's forehead and willed him to calm down. He wasn't crying or even breathing terribly fast, he was just coming to the realization that what happened that night had actually happened.

Alex remained on his side during the rest of the hour it took for the i.v. bag to finish. The doctor came in to remove it and explain that his bloodwork came out normal, not that it surprised him, Alex knew he was physically okay.

It was close to midnight by the time they made their way out of the hospital and Alex was almost relieved. Almost.

Ben hadn't brought up the subject again, whether it was out of consideration for him or because he didn't know what to say himself, Alex wasn't sure. He guessed it was the latter.

"I think it's time to make an appointment with Dr. Gwen" the older man said when they arrived home. Alex went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water before sitting down on the couch with a defeated sigh.

"Okay" he said with a nod, surprising Ben by agreeing to a therapy session without putting up a fight.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex sighed again and rested his head back on the couch. He wasn't sure "Are you going to call him?"

"To say what?" he asked back, bitterly.

"To tell him you're fine. That you're home. You said you would"

"I'm going to bed" he answered instead, getting to his feet and not giving Ben a chance to say anything else. The older man wasn't deterred though.

"You should call!" he yelled so Alex could hear him, he was already in his room.

He supposed he _should_ call. Just to tell him not to worry, that he'd be okay. He didn't want to though, because he knew that's not all he would say.

He'd already made his decision at the hospital. If he called now, there was no going back. But he had to do it, it wasn't fair to the other boy to keep putting up with this, with him.

He took his sweet time though, staring at the contact in his phone, much like he'd done the first time he'd accidentally called him. He smiled at the thought, but the corners of his lips fell into a thin line. He pressed the call button.

Maybe he wouldn't even answer. It was past midnight already. He was probably asleep. He was gonna have to call in the morning—

The call was answered. Nobody spoke though, but Alex could hear breathing on the other side. He steeled his nerves and spoke first.

"Vict?"

" _Mmm_ " Alex could tell the other boy was mad, that much was obvious.

"I'm home" for a moment, Alex thought he'd get no reply and that Vict would just hang up on him now that he knew he was out of the hospital. Alex wouldn't blame him. As it was, 15 seconds passed without an answer.

" _Are you okay?_ "

Alex just nodded before he forgot the other boy couldn't see him, then he elaborated. "I just need to rest and take it easy for a few days. Can't go running for a week at least…"

" _You'll love that, I'm sure"_ Alex's stomach sank at the tone behind the words. They weren't said with his usual sarcastic and joking tone. The blond didn't know how to breach the subject now. He guessed the faster he did it, the better. Like reaping off a band aid.

"Listen, I didn't mean tonight to end like that. I really wanted it to be good" Vict's answer followed what sounded like a frustrated huff.

" _I'm just worried about you_ " Alex began to pace around his room.

"You don't have to be anymore" because _that_ wasn't ominous at all.

" _What's that supposed to mean?_ "

Here we go…

"I'm not in a very good place right now and I don't think I'm ready… It's not a good time" he explained, his heart was hammering inside his chest.

" _To what? To be with me?_ " Alex closed his eyes and gulped.

"To be with anyone" he whispered.

There was a moment of silence where neither Alex nor Vict could find the right words to continue the conversation, probably one of the most painful ones Alex had ever had.

" _What are you saying exactly?_ " Vict was going to make him say it.

"I don't think we should keep seeing each other" Alex stated, trying not to let his voice waver.

" _Y_ _ou're breaking up with me_ " the other boy guessed. Alex didn't say anything back, which was all the confirmation Vict needed "Just tell me what I did wrong" he repeated his question from the hospital and Alex felt like punching the wall. Vict hadn't done anything wrong.

"Nothing, I swear. I'm… You don't want to be with me, trust me"

" _That's not your decision to make. It's mine_ " Vict countered.

"And I've already made mine. I don't want us to be together anymore" Alex stated, knowing he was saying the biggest lie of his life. He frowned when he heard a thud coming from the other end of the line, it sounded like Vict had just kicked something.

" _So we_ are _breaking up. Over the phone_ " Vict said bitterly, his voice was suspiciously tight, though it hadn't wavered once.

"I'm sorry" Alex whispered, it was all he could say.

" _Yeah, well… Merry fucking Christmas Alex!_ " and the line went dead.

Alex gasped and stared at the screen. Vict had hung up on him. It was 1:17 a.m., he'd forgotten about Christmas.

He looked at Vict's name on the contact list and his eyes started to burn, tears filling them quickly before falling undisturbed down his cheeks. He cursed himself and threw the phone against the wall. The sound of it hitting the wall and then the floor was carried throughout the whole apartment. Alex kicked the side of the bed before falling into it and hiding his head on the pillow. He swallowed the urge to scream, choosing instead to focus on not choking when breathing became difficult and full of hiccups. He'd just ruined the best thing that had happened to him in the last couple of years. What a waste he was.

He heard Ben opening his door, probably checking up on him after hearing his phone hit the wall. Alex didn't acknowledge him. The older man walked into the room and sat at the edge of the bed. He put a hand on Alex's shoulder but said nothing. Alex continued to cry.

They remained like that for the better part of an hour, until Alex eventually fell asleep, the events of the day finally catching up to him and making his exhausted body shut down for the night.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ben stayed in the room though, propped against the head rest and running his fingers through Alex's hair.

Since the time he'd met Alex until today, he'd learned how to handle a lot of things, a lot of truly disturbing things, but no amount of training with Alex's therapist could have prepared him for dealing with the pain of having one's heart broken. He could recall the very first time something similar had happened to him, he'd been 15 years old and Jessica Davis had cheated on him with another student.

He sighed. He knew the situation wasn't even that similar. For what he could gather, Alex and the other boy, Victor, liked each other enough, but the blond had a lot of issues to solve. He could just hope the situation didn't take such a great toll on his adoptive brother. God knew he'd been through enough already and he didn't want this to upset the precarious balance the young man had managed to find over the last year.

He had a feeling though, that the balance had already been disrupted, the moment Alex began developing feelings towards the other boy.

Ben sighed. What a complicated night…


	15. Holy night

Alex studied the blazer with distaste before throwing it on the bed and jumping facedown over it.

A minute later, Ben peered into the room.

"You're not ready yet?"

"I'm not going" Alex's voice was muffled by the pillow.

"Come on, Al. We're already late as it is" Alex peeked a glance over his arms to check the time on his nightstand. Christmas dinner at Ben's parents started five minutes ago.

"Go without me, I don't wanna go" the blond insisted. They lived less than 10 minutes away by car, if the older man left now, he wouldn't be rudely late, just fashionably late.

"You can't stay here" Ben stated.

"Says who?" okay, he was walking into childish territory now.

"It's Christmas Alex, you're not spending it alone" the other man was adamant about it. Alex groaned into the pillow and propped himself on his elbows. He regarded Ben with an annoyed look.

"Why the hell not?" he asked, flinching at his own voice "Wouldn't be the first time anyway" _and I won't be the only one_ , he thought. Ben sighed.

"I understand you're not feeling like celebrating, but it'll do you well to get your mind off things" Alex had told him that morning, when Ben had come to check on him and force him to eat breakfast, about the conversation he'd had with Vict the night before. Talking about it hadn't been any easier than living through it. Ben had been understanding and patient, only reminding him to keep eating and finish his plate about six or seven times, even offering some insight about his own experience with break ups.

"I don't want to ruin everyone's mood" he said, dropping back on the bed without facing away from Ben.

"Maybe we'll lift yours up. Come on" sometimes Alex could swear Ben was taking negociating lessons from Eagle.

"Fine" Alex dragged the word, resigned to his fate for the night.

He got up from the bed, Ben already out his bedroom door. He left the blazer on the bed in favor of something less fancy: a black and white sweater he was pretty sure he'd worn a few days ago while running. He barely glanced at his faint reflexion on the bedroom window to comb his fingers through his hair.

He hated everything about today. The family dinner he was being forced to attend to, the fake smile he'd have to wear for everyone else's sake, the attention he'd get from everyone...

Alex had never been used to big family gatherings because there hadn't been any family to gather. At the best of times, three people sat around a juicy feast on the dining table, most of the times it was only two; but Alex was sure no one got as much attention as he did in the Daniels' household whenever the rest of the family came over for special ocassions.

A year and a half into his adoption and he was still the newest development in the family. One would think Ben's cousin giving birth to her second baby would've garnered everyone's attention away from him, but apparently being the all grown up and adopted son beat being the newborn one.

Everyone wanted to talk to him, ask him questions, learn more about him. Alex was grateful people wanted to know him because they accepted him as part of the family, instead of being ignored or mistreated for being an outsider, but he was not in the mood to entertain anyone tonight. _Or ever,_ he thought gloomily.

"Alex!" Ben yelled from the living room.

"I'm coming!" He yelled back, grabbing his phone, which miracolously hadn't broken when he'd hurled it at the wall the night before, and stepping out of the room. He glanced back nostalgically before walking away. He'd give anything to stay in bed and bury himself in his sleep.

Surprisingly, he'd slept soundly during the night, no dreams or nightmares plaguing his mind. That was the only reason he had even considered facing the dreaded night ahead, because despite everything, he felt rested.

He hurried to the front door before Ben lost his nerve. If there was something the older man hadn't been able to shake from his days in the army was punctuality. Plus, they'd already gotten a call from Evelyn asking where they were.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Finding a place to park the car took them almost twice the time it takes to go from one place to another. By the time they walked into the house, everyone mockingly clapped their entrance.

"Alex, boy, how are you?"

"Alex! Good to see you!"

"How are things, Alex? I trust everything's fine?"

And so it began. Alex nodded and walked another step inside to answer yet another question.

Everyone was there. Evelyn's sister and Ben's dad's brothers, a pair of gray haired men with kind eyes and easy smiles. Ben's cousin with her husband and two children. Even the neighbors were in: Anna, now a year older and taller than when he'd met her, and her mother. It was a full house.

The livingroom furniture had been relocated to one side of the house so a large rectangle table made of plastic could be set up. It was the garden table, which they took advantage of to eat outside whenever the weather allowed it, but lived folded and tucked away during the winter. Now it sported a spotless white tablecloth and equally shiny silverware.

"Alex, dear… how are you?" Alex turned and put on a reasuting smile while returning Evelyn's hug. She'd been in the kitchen making last minute arrangements.

"I'm okay" he said and stepped out of the hug so the woman could study him. He and Ben had agreed not to tell her anything about his impromptu visit to the hospital; the last thing he needed was a mother going nuts because he 'wasn't eating enough'.

"Yes, you are, dear" she said, patting his cheek and letting him join the rest of the guests, her own smile as fake as his.

Alex found Anna near the backyard door.

"Hey" he said, sitting on the floor next to her "What are you doing?" She glanced at him before focusing back on a tablet she was holding on her lap.

"Playing. Want to help me?" She was playing QuizUp.

"Sure" it wasn't the first time he found himself answering trivia questions with her. She'd been obssesed with the game for months, since it was a fun way to learn, she'd said. He'd much rather spend the night playing with her than talking to everyone else.

"Pop culture" she announced the name of the category and hit the start button "What phillosopher was born in Stagira?"

Aristotle. She hit the right answer before he could say anything.

"Nice" he praised.

"Next. What year was America discovered? 1942, 1621, 1492 or 1999" she wasn't sure.

"1492"

"Correct!" She beamed, then hit the next question "How do you say 'room' in french?" Alex felt an uncomfortable pang in his stomach "Pièce, lit, porte or fenêtre. Pièce, right?"

"Yeah. Next question" he swallowed.

"Where is Mr. Miyagi from? Kioto, Okinawa, Tokyo or Osaka. Who's Mr. Miyagi?" She asked aloud. Alex was silent, sure the world was hellbent on mocking him "Do you know where he's from?" Anna asked, glancing nervously between the screen and him "We're running out of time"

"I don't know" he lied, he didn't feel like playing anymore.

"Tokyo" she guessed, and failed.

"Kids!" Someone yelled from the table and he didn't even find it in himself to be ofended by the call "Table's served" Anna put her tablet on a nearby surface and stood up, offering her hand.

"Come on, there's cake for later"

They sat at the table.

Plates passed by with roasted beef. Different sauces and vegetables. Wine for the adults, soda for the kids. Alex drank water.

Everyone was talking animatedly, praising the food and sharing stories about the year. A year that a week from now would come to an end.

Alex helped himself to some beef. He consciously filled his plate until the vegetables were almost falling off the edges. He would entertain himself eating, getting out of the innocuos conversations and helping dispel the idea that he didn't eat enough. It'd be a very long time before he could live that false supposition down. Ben was at his side, keeping an eye on his plate to make sure it was steadily getting emptier.

At some point during dinner, Alex took a peek at his phone. It had been silent all day, not that he expected anyone to text him or call, specially _one_ someone, but it was hard not to feel disappointed when all that flashed on the screen was the time. 10:30 p.m.

Alex had imagined this Christmas would be so, so different. He glanced around: a big table filled with food and people, family members that were happy to step out of their routine and share the holidays… and Vict was spending Christmas alone.

Alex allowed himself to think about the other boy for a moment, something he'd tried not to do all day. Vict's uncle was out of town delivering something in his truck at the other side of the country. Alex hadn't expected to spend Christmas Eve together, after all, he had a family reunion he couldn't have been able to get out from, but at least he'd thought they'd be able to talk, maybe even see eachother the next day and spend it together. He had even bought a present.

Ben's family wasn't much for exchanging presents, they focused more on being together and doing silly stuff to laugh about and remember the following year. Last year was karaoke. So Alex hadn’t bothered to buy anyone any presents. Anyone except for him.

He'd bought it and wrapped it weeks ago, excited to see Vict's face when he opened it. It wasn't anything fancy or expensive, just something he'd seen that had reminded him of the other boy. The gift was supposed to be funny, something to laugh about so he could see Vict's smile shining and lighting up the room. Vict's smile would made him smile too, so wide his cheeks would hurt. His relationship with Vict was the only thing that made him smile as if he didn't have a care in the world, as if he was actually happy.

He would'be able to have that anymore.

Alex pi this fork down. He looked at his plate, he'd eaten enough. He was full.

He ate cake anyway, just so no one would pester him about it. When he was done though, he felt about to throw up. In fact, he almost wished he would so he wouldn't feel so heavy. Somehow he gessed not even throwing up would help alleviate the feeling.

After dinner, the table was cleared, folded and put away so the furniture could be arranged. It was time for Charades.

Alex wasn't going to survive that. He needed to be alone. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to leave.

He found Evelyn in the kitchen, she was putting the remnants of the cake in the fridge.

"Evelyn?" he asked tentatively, he didn't want to upset her.

"Yes, honey?" she turned and gave him her full attention.

"Do you mind if I go upstairs for a bit?" he prayed she'd say yes, he just didn't have it in him to disagree with her, ever.

"What is it, dear?" she asked, face inmediately folded into a grimace of worry.

"I have a headache" it wasn't exactly a lie.

"Go lay down in the room upstairs then. You should take an aspirin too"

Alex thanked her sincerely, but stepped quickly away from the hug she gave him. He didn't want comfort, he just wanted to be alone.

He made sure to avoid running into Ben on his way upstairs. He just had no energy to argue with the older man about dissappearing for the night.

He sighed when the noise from downstairs got muffled by the door. Ben's old room remained exactly like it'd been the first time they came to Newcastle to meet his parents: a mixture of bedroom furniture and whatever stuff his parents didn't know where else to put. As long as the bed was free though…

He checked his phone again.

Nothing.

Alex put his arm over his eyes and thought about that: absolutely nothing. He fell asleep instantly.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ben threw a fist in the air when he guessed the incomprehensible motions his cousin was doing. Their team had just scored the first point of the game.

"Ben Daniels" he turned around to find his mother walking towards him, signaling for them to move away from the crowd of people sitting around the living room. Now, Evelyn was the mother of all things good and kind, except for when she was angry or worried. But when she was angry _and_ worried? She tended to frown in concentration and make a grimace like... well, like the one she had right now. They entered the kitchen "What is going on with that boy?" She asked in a reprimanding tone. He had no doubt who she was talking about. Ben craned his neck, glancing out of the kitchen in search of Alex.

"What do mean? He alright?"

"You tell me! He went upstairs with a headache" she looked thoughtful "It's been a while since I've seen that look on his face Ben" he sighed.

Of course Alex would find an opportunity to get away from the noises and the smiles. Ben knew Alex hadn't wanted to come, but he just wasn't about to leave a sad teenager alone at home just after a breakup, not after... he sighed again.

"This couple of days have been rough on him. He has, umm... relationship issues" his mother's face changed inmediately to one of understanding and surprise mixed together with a small dose of joy.

"Relationship issues? Why didn't any of you say anything?"

"It's not really my place to tell" Ben said guiltly. Alex hadn't explicitly asked him not to say anything about it, but he wasn't about to break his trust by going around telling anyone about his situation, not even his mother.

"Oh, the poor thing" she lamented "Young love can be hard. You take care of that boy now" she instructed sternly after she was done fussing about the matter.

Ben assured her he was doing everything he could to help.

He stayed in the kitchen for a few minutes pondering the pros and cons of going upstairs himself. He wanted to offer his help but he also dind't want to overcrowd the younger man. In the end, he left him be. Both of them still had a couple of weeks free of work to tackle the issues currently tormenting Alex, he just hoped it was enough time.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A week later, two days after New Year's Eve, Alex walked into Dr. Gwen's office.

The woman had agreed to meet him the moment he'd finally gotten the courage to call. He'd forbidden Ben to come with him though, he could do this alone.

"It's been a while since the last time you came, Alex" the woman greeted him, making it clear with that statement that she knew this wasn't a regular check up visit.

"Thanks for seeing me" he answered, taking a seat in front of her desk. He sent her a timid smile, remembering how one of the first things she'd ever told him was that he was way too polite.

"You sounded a little... rattled over the phone" she said, choosing that word to describe his almost desperate call "You know I have to ask, are _you_ okay?" It might've seemed like a stupid question, but Alex knew what she meant.

"Yeah" he nodded, trying not to get annoyed at the question. It was her job, but Alex believed he'd never really move on from that particular dark time in his life if everyone just kept reminding him of it "I'm okay"

"Alright. What brings us here, then? We have an hour to talk about anything you want" he knew how therapy worked, and either he talked now, or he would just drag the session to an end.

"I can't have sex" he blurted before he lost his nerve. He could tell he'd surprised her, never one to be so forthcoming. Usually she had to dig with a spoon whatever it was he needed to say.

"Oh... okay. What do you mean, exactly?" Alex took a deep breath and told her everything, from meeting Vict at work to passing out the week before when they'd tried to be together.

Dr. Gwen listened intently, taking notes on a white sheet of paper that was rapidly filling. Alex thought it'd be harder to talk about such intimate matters, but he figured if she already knew every detail of what had happened to him, since she'd made him relive it by talking about it during their first meetings, then there was enough trust to talk about this.

"Let me see if I got this right: every time you and... Victor? Vict" she corrected herself "Started falling into an intimate situation, you got dizzy. The more intense the situation, the stronger the dizzy spell?"

"Until I finally blacked out, yeah" he confirmed "I... I tried to get over it on my own" he said, not needing to voice his failure. That much was obvious.

"Why do you think you couldn't?" Alex didn't need to think hard about it. He already knew.

"Every time he touched me, every time I got... excited, I just saw _him_ and started remembering what he did. The pain... do you think this would be happening if I was trying to be with a girl? Maybe that's the problem" it wasn't the first time he wondered about that.

"I believe intimacy makes us feel vulnerable no matter who we choose to be with. If we didn't feel so exposed and vulnerable without our clothes on, we'd all be walking naked on the street. It would definitely be more comfortable though" he remained silent, pondering the thought "How are you dealing with that, by the way? With your own body" she clarified.

Alex looked down. He felt he hadn't made enough progress about it, if at all. He told her that.

"... and I still couldn't be caught dead in the locker room showers"

"Sometimes, we feel like we're stuck on something but even the smallest of things can be a step in the right direction"

Alex thought about the last couple of months, about how he'd reached the point of feeling comfortable enough to hug people, how kissing Vict didn't scare him as much as it used to. He remembered the night he'd done research, the videos he'd watched and what he'd done after. Granted, he'd felt awful the next day, but at least he'd done it. Maybe he _had_ made some progress. He shrugged.

"I just... I don't want to be afraid anymore. I- I didn't want to break up with him" a deep sadness settled within him. The past week had been like hell, alone and quiet. He'd gotten used to the other boy's presence, his company, his affection.

"Do you think breaking up was the right thing to do?"

"It was the only thing to do" he replied.

"How do you reckon?" This was the part of therapy he hated the most, having to answer his own questions and explaining his reasoning.

"Relationships can't work without sex" he said convinced.

"Not necessarily. Yes, sex is an important part in any relationship but, given special circumstances, they can work without it"

"This one wouldn't"

"How do you know? Have you two talked about it?"

"There's no need. He wants to have sex, he— I..." he groaned, running a hand through his hair, then he lowered his voice "I want to have sex too" he confessed, averting his eyes.

"Good. That's good" Dr. Gwen said, making him look back up "That's progress right there" given Alex's confused expression, she proceeded to explain "It's one thing for you to rush yourself to be with someone because of that someone, and another one to be doing it for yourself"

"I thought I'd never want that. I thought I hated the idea of doing that. I mean I hate it, but I don't hate it. I don't know!" He threw his hands up in frustration.

"I think you just never considered it a real possibility until now. You have two different strings pulling you in oposite directions. You need to decide which one you'll let win"

"It doesn't matter what I choose. I wanted to sleep with Vict and I couldn't. My body, my mind didn't let me" he countered.

"You may be right about that" she said, adding to his current confusion. Then she explained…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex flopped into bed as soon as he entered his room.

"How did it go?" Ben had asked when he arrived home after his one hour session with Dr. Gwen.

"Fine" was all he'd said before locking himself in his room.

He thought back to the last thing his therapist had said: passing out was his body's defense mecanism against stressful situations.

 _I_ _t's actually really common amongst trauma victims. Some people's brain just expel the memories of their traumas from their minds, giving them dissociative amnesia. In other cases, like yours, your brain acts against what you've deemed a dangerous situation and shuts itself down so you don't have to live through another traumatic experience_.

 _Thanks a lot brain,_ he berated himself, _you just ruined my life._

He hand't had time to ask Dr. Gwen how he could over come that, but she'd promised they'd work on it next week.

If there was a way to combat his own brain, maybe—

His phone rang.

He felt it buzzing in his pocket before the ringtone began its repetitive sound and he jumped, startled by both the movement and the noise.

Could it be…? His heart was beating wildly.

He sat up and pulled his phone out of his pocket. The name flashing on the screen brought him both a wave of relief and dissappointment. It was Tom. He sighed and laid back down.

"Hey" he knew he sounded awful.

"Hi there, mate! Sorry I didn't call on Christmas. How are things?" Alex felt bad for not having called his friend on Christmas either.

"Nothing new"

"Uh-huh. Come on, I know you. Something's going on" Alex frowned. This was way too suspicious and his friend had never been one for subtlety.

"Ben put you up to this, didn't he?" Alex also knew his adoptive brother well. He could practically see the other boy shrugging.

"You know how he is" and he _did_ know. The older man was constantly putting him above anything else, doing everything in his power to make sure he was okay "So he might have mentioned you're gong through something and that you could use a friend" Alex internally cursed.

"Did he tell you what it was?" he swore that if Ben had said anything about Vict—

"No" of course he wouldn't, he reminded himself before letting out a deep sigh. He didn't know what to say "Come on, man. Out with it"

"I met someone" in a sudden fit of bravery, he thought: _I've already talked about it enough today, what's one more person?_

"You're having girl troubles, aren't you? So, who is she?" Alex thought about brushing the subject, talking about it without going into specifics, but he got the sudden urge to come clean about it and see what his friend thought about everything, about him.

"Would you be too weirded out if I told you it's not a she?" It seemed to take more than it should've for the notion to dawn on him.

"Bloody hell! It's a he?" Alex only nodded before he remembered Tom couldn't see him.

"Is it too weird?" He asked again. When Tom took his sweet time to answer, Alex's heart picked up its pace. He might have misscalculated how much it would wreck him if the other boy decided he didn't want to be his friend anymore. He was ready to beg him to forget what he'd said, to even say it had been a joke, when Tom broke his silence by bursting out laughing. Alex's stomach sank.

"Weird? That's awesome, man! When did you figure it out?" _What the_ _—_ _?_

"Wait, you're okay with it?" the relief he felt was almost dizzying. As it was, his eyes started to burn suspiciusly.

"Of course, it's cool. So, who is he?" Tom repeated his previous question.

Alex put the phone on speaker and placed it near his head on the bed. He began telling the story from the start. It felt weird, talking about it with a friend and not with someone who was trying to get inside his head. Tom wanted to know all the 'romantic details', their dates, their fights, what was Vict like. He was sure he sounded like a little kid describing his favorite drawing.

"So, what's the problem?" that's where he drew the line though. He was not about to discuss his sex life with his best friend. His non existing sex life, that is.

"It just didn't seem to be working out" he answered vaguely.

"And there's no way to solve things?" thank God Tom knew when not to press for details, though that was a treat he didn't use very often.

"I wish there was" he answered in a whisper. Talking about Vict, remembering all the amazing things he liked about him had only served to open up the wound more. Talking about their relationship ending with no hope of mending was like rubbing salt in it. In the silence that followed, he cleared his throat several times to settle his wavery voice.

Tom gave him the space to compose himself, but after a while he spoke again.

"You know, I never thought this day would come"

"What day?" Alex asked reluctantly trying and failing to hide his gruff voice.

"It's just...You were always so stoic, you know? You faced every bad thing that ever happened to you by remaining impassive" the blond sighed.

"Not anymore. I'm a wreck" he stated, laughing bitterly and wiping a stray tear from his face. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't keep it from falling "A freaking mess" another beat of silence, and then:

"I think that’s better" Tom said, to which Alex said nothing "Better to be a mess than feeling nothing at all. You know you had me worried for a while, when you were working for them, when Jack..."

"I know..." if Tom only knew the half of it. He sniffled once and composed himself enough to keep talking "So, what's going on with you?" He could use the change in topic.

Tom launched himself into telling him how his life had been since the last time they'd talked. His parents, bis brother, college, the list was endless and Tom sure knew how to tell a story.

They talked for about an hour before Tom announced he had to go.

"Thanks for telling me about you, Al. You know I've got your back" Alex smiled.

"Thanks, man" he said, and the call ended.

He stayed on the bed for a few minutes, thinking back on their conversation while the sounds of the TV reached him from the living room. He got up and went outside.

Ben was starting to work on lunch, so he sat at the edge of the breakfast table.

"So, Tom called" he said, crossing his arms over his chest. Ben barely spared a glance at him.

"Oh yeah?" He was feigning ignorance. _The bastard_ , he thought.

"Seemed to be under the impression that I needed someone to cheer me up. Wonder where he got the idea..."

"He's a good friend" the older man said, still not looking back at him.

"Ben..." Alex started.

"I didn't tell him anything, just barely made a suggestion" he defended himself.

"Ben" Alex tried again, but the other man was on a roll.

"And I had to do something anyway, you were sulking way too much—”

"Ben!" Finally he stopped talking and turned around to face him "Thanks" Alex said with a sincere smile. He might have been taken by surprise by his friend calling, but after hanging up, he could only feel grateful for having the opportuniy to tell Tom about himself.

Ben smiled relieved even though he still apologized about maybe stepping on a boundary. Alex shrugged.

"I told him, you know, about Victor"

"Do you think you're ready for next week? 'Cause if you're not..." Ben asked later. Winter break ended next monday and he'd have to go back to school, futbol and work.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved bringing Tom into the story if only for a phone call. The way Alex fretted about his best friend’s opinion of him and the way Tom accepted him for who is just warming my heart in the midst of so much angst.  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this reprieve of a chapter... because things get intense again starting now!  
> See you soon!


	16. I’m sure

Alex remembers being nervous throughout various scenarios in his life: every first time Ian introduced him to a new caretaker, his first day at school or the first time he tried for the football team. His first mission, going undercover to Sayle's compound. When he arrived at Brecon Beacons for the two-week training he'd have to endure and being met by a group of pride wounded soldiers. Being face to face with his uncle's killer, Yassen Gregorovich. Watching Yassen Gregorovich die… He'd been really nervous the first time he'd met Vict outside of work, and he'd been nervous ever since, every time they were just close. But none of those times compared to the amount of fried nerves that were wracking his body at the moment.

His heart was racing and his throat insisted on making it difficult to swallow. His palms were sweaty, even though winter had done nothing but reach its peak of the season, and he could swear his knees were weak, though if that was due to nervousness or because he'd overdone it that morning when he ran twice his usual amount of time, he wasn't sure.

He was approaching the store.

It was Monday, first day of the year back in college. It was safe to say Alex hadn't paid any attention to any of his lessons that morning, just thinking about what he had to do that day.

He wasn't even supposed to go to work on Mondays, but he'd much rather get this over with now than wait another day. He opened the door.

The place wasn't packet yet, having opened merely 15 minutes ago, but a few people roamed the aisles and he did a quick scan of the counter and the middle of the store in search of Victor and Mr. Strauss.

As soon as he spotted the other boy's back, over by the baseball section, talking to a costumer, he turned quickly in the opposite direction. Mr. Strauss must be in the office.

He walked around the counter, running his hand over the smooth surface, like he always did whenever he passed by it and reached the door, knocking on it slightly before going in.

Mr. Strauss was at the desk, working on the computer.

"Alex! Happy New year to you! I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow" the man greeted, standing up and shaking Alex's hand firmly. Alex smiled and greeted him back. The man was a good boss, he would sure miss that.

"I needed to come talk to you about something" he said, taking a seat when Mr. Strauss indicated it.

"Oh boy, this doesn't bode well" he guessed, resting his elbows on the desk. Alex took a breath and reminded himself he was making the right call. It would be better for both of them if they never saw each other again.

"I really tried to balance work with everything else I do, and I like working here a lot. You've been extremely kind to me, but I can't afford to get behind on school. My scholarship… I wouldn't be able to pay otherwise" Mr. Strauss listened intently and let out a defeated sigh when he was done explaining why he couldn't work there anymore.

"I understand" Alex then was quick to add.

"I know I'm supposed to give you a two week notice before quitting, and if you need me to come on the weekends for even a month, I'll do it. I just can't come during the week" he'd thought about that little gap in his plan, but he was confident Mr. Strauss would accept the deal of working for another full month if he could just come on the weekends. Victor's shifts covered from Monday to Friday, that's what he needed to avoid.

"Nonsense, boy. I won't hold you to that if it means risking your career"

"But—" Alex tried to protest, the other man didn't let him.

"Listen, you've been a great employee and now I have Victor to help me run the store. He turned out to be a very good lad. Don't worry about it, just go back to school and focus on that" Alex didn't know what else to say. He nodded and thanked the man for giving him the opportunity to work for him in the first place.

They stepped out of the office.

Alex had all the intention of just walking out the store and never look back, but Mr. Strauss called for him to wait.

"We should tell Victor you're leaving. I'm sure he'll miss the help. You guys seemed to get along" Alex was shaking his head. His heart, which had somewhat begun to calm down while in the office, was now beating wildly again.

"There's no need, really—"

"Victor!" Mr. Strauss called, waving the taller boy over, and Alex turned around to face the door for a moment, swallowing the nausea of being put on the line of fire like that, before turning back around to meet Victor, freezing on the spot when their eyes found each other.

Alex was left speechless by what he saw. A giant purple shape encircled Victor's left eye, from the outside corner to the bridge of his nose. Alex gaped at it. The eye wasn't swollen shut, but the skin looked painfully tight. It was recent too, no more than a day old.

He wanted to know what happened. No, he _needed_ to know, and he looked back at Mr. Strauss, who didn't seem fazed by the black eye, which meant he'd already seen it, maybe even knew how he'd gotten it. He hoped the man would spontaneously offer an explanation, but he ignored the matter. So did Alex.

"Yeah" Victor said, keeping his eyes trained on their boss. _His_ boss, not Alex's anymore.

"I'm afraid Alex here won't be able to keep working with us" Mr. Strauss said, making Vict glance at Alex for a second before focusing his eyes back on him.

"Okay" the way he said it, so cold and uninterested made Alex's stomach drop. He forced himself to remain impassive. Even Mr. Strauss was taken aback by the lack of response from the taller boy.

"We just thought we'd let you know" Mr. Strauss said before turning to Alex and shaking his hand once more, clapping his back a few times "Good luck out there, Alex. Maybe someday you'll need some income again. Make sure to drop by here first" and then he was gone, back to the office to work.

Alex and Victor stood there in silence. Alex was dying to say something, his eyes unable to look away from the bruise covering the other boy's face. He just couldn't bring himself to address it. He wouldn't know how anyway.

"You're quitting" Vict suddenly said, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. He said the word as if tasting it in his mouth. It obviously produced him something aching to disgust.

"I need more time for school" Alex repeated his lame excuse, knowing full well the other boy wasn't about to buy it. What else could he say though?

"I'm sure" was all Victor said before merely turning around and walking away from him.

Alex turned his hands into a fist and watched him disappear into one of the aisles. He stood there for another minute, maybe waiting for the other boy to walk back out, or maybe gathering the courage to finally leave the place for good. He knew that the moment he walked out that door, that was it. It would all be over. He'd never see the other boy again and the last hope he had of salvaging their relationship would end permanently. He started to walk. It was time to go.

While he walked through the door, he thought about Victor's bruise, another one to add to the pile. He'd never looked this hurt before though. What the hell had happened? But he just had to swallow his curiosity and bury his concern. There was nothing he could do now. They were over. It was done.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Two hours later, he couldn't decide if he was grateful or annoyed that he had an appointment with his therapist.

Ben hadn't arrived from work yet, so he hadn't been able to take the car and drive himself to the woman's office. He took the bus and walked the rest of the distance to the building. Last week, Dr. Gwen had programmed their next session on a practice day, but Alex figured it was more important to deal with his current situation than to miss the first practice of the year. He'd make up an excuse later.

The receptionist made him wait a few minutes until Dr. Gwen was done with her current patient, but as soon as the couple walked out, he was given permission to go in.

"I believe last week we determined the cause of your blackout, yeah?" The woman asked unnecessarily, she must've had everything written on his file. Alex nodded anyway.

"Defensive mechanism" he said, disdain clear in his voice.

"Defensive mechanism" the woman agreed and smirked suspiciously at him. Alex dreaded whatever she would say next "So?"

"So, what?" He asked confused.

"So, have you figured out how to get past it?" she was talking about it like it was as simple as getting past a bad grade.

"I thought that was your job, not mine" he replied, at the edge of sounding rude.

"You're the one who has to get better, not me" she answered back in an equally clipped tone. What was with her today?

"Which is what we pay you for. To get me better" if she wanted to play it like that, he could turn up the dial of the conversation too. Dr. Gwen just smirked again.

"Oh, I may have the solution, you're just not going to like it" she stated, instantly peeking Alex's interest.

"Try me" he challenged her, she accepted.

"Tell him"

Alex didn't get it. "Come again?"

"Tell Vict you were raped" he flinched at the bluntness of her words. Usually she tended to find other less harsh words to describe his situation but today— _Wait a minute_ , tell Victor he was raped? Was she nuts?

"No" he said, obviously disturbed by the notion.

"Why not?" What was she playing at? Alex asked himself, looking at her as if she had lost her mind.

"How is that supposed to make me get better? It would only make everything worse" he reasoned. Dr. Gwen leaned back on her chair.

"A relationship needs honesty and communication. Maybe if he knew, Vict would be more careful during intimacy. You'd feel more comfortable to take things at your own rhythm. If you started to feel dizzy, you could tell him and he would understand" everything she was saying sounded so bizarre he couldn't stop shaking his head.

"That wouldn't work. He wouldn't understand"

"You can't know until you've tried" she countered.

"Even if I thought that was something remotely possible, it's too late now. We're done" Alex said.

"I believe it's never too late when two people care for each other" she just didn't know.

"I'm telling you, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore" he answered, remembering the way Victor had talked to him at the store earlier. He was angry, he wasn't about to forgive Alex for everything that had happened.

"You can't speak for him. You'll never know until you try" she repeated.

"He'll never accept it. He wouldn't understand. No one does!" Alex said heatedly. They were only 10 minutes into the session and he already wanted to leave.

"I agree that until you're faced with the same situation, none of us can really understand what someone is going through" she said, going back to the way she'd always approached him. Maybe she could sense he was already as rattled as he could be "I have an idea" she said suddenly.

Alex raised an eyebrow, not liking where this was going at all. Dr. Gwen began rotating her chair from one side to another. He remained still.

"Let's play a little game" she said "Imagine the rolls were reversed" she instructed.

Alex stared at her blankly, surely, she couldn't mean… But she did, and he was told to rest the back of his head against the chair and close his eyes. The rules of the game forbade him to open them during the exercise.

"Imagine you and Vict are talking, sitting together around a table or even at the park you used to meet at. Now imagine he's the one who doesn't tolerate intimacy very much and he tells you there's a reason" she was relaying the story in such a way that Alex could practically see the images playing like a movie in his mind. He imagined himself sitting at the edge of the fountain, Vict between his legs, resting his head on his shoulder. He could picture it like that, because it had happened so many times. The woman continued talking "The reason being that some time ago something happened to him and he was forced by another man" Alex frowned and then flinched when he heard the next words "A man who took away more than just his choice. Think for a second that he tells you this, even though he's terrified of your answer. What would you do?" she finally finished and Alex couldn't even swallow around the lump in his throat. It was painful and tight.

He could imagine everything Dr. Gwen had just described, and not only that, but the image of Vict's black eye got mixed into the picture as well. Alex thought back to every bruise he'd ever seen on his body, the days he'd seen Vict limping to favor his hurt hip, the finger shaped mark on his wrist… Every one of those very real memories got mixed with the painful words he'd just heard, and he could imagine Vict living through every second of despair he'd gone through when he was being abused, and the torment that followed. What would he _do_? Alex choked back a sob.

"I— I'd… I'd tell him I get it, that I understand" his eyes were burning behind their closed lids "I would— I'd be careful. Tell him he didn't deserve what happened to him because he's— and I'd hug him, because I get it and I don't— but he, he doesn't need to be scared of me because I— I wouldn't—" he was stumbling over his own words, trying to get them all out at once. He didn't want to imagine Vict going through something like that, yet the bruises were branded in his memory enough to tell him the other boy was going through _something_ , even though he didn't know what it was. A surge of anger replaced the immense pain in his chest and he continued talking "I'd want to kill whoever dared lay a finger on him and I'd promise him no one would ever hurt him again because I'd make sure of that. And I— I—” he finally remembered to take a breath.

"So you wouldn't leave him" Dr. Gwen broke her silence, giving Alex a chance to compose himself.

"Of course not. I lo—" why was this so hard? "I wouldn't"

"You'd stick with him no matter what he said? Even though he was raped?"

"Yes!" why was Dr. Gwen being so hard? This wasn't supposed to be about Victor anyway. That hadn't happened to Victor.

"Then why won't you give yourself the same luxury? Why won't you forgive yourself?" And that did it. Alex let out a sharp gasp and couldn't hold back the sob that tore free from his throat before breaking down crying. Painful heartbreaking sobs that he'd been doing everything in his power to avoid.

He got up from the chair, the rules of the game completely forgotten and he began pacing the office desperately, feeling like a caged animal. He couldn't stop crying, and no matter how many times he wiped his face with his hands, more tears replaced the ones he took away "Are you okay, Alex?"

"Why would you ask me those things!?" He asked, ignoring the previous question. He was very much _not_ fine.

"I needed you to see that you didn't deserve what happened to you either" Alex huffed and ran his fingers through his hair "And that if you were willing to accept someone else with that kind of baggage, then you could be accepted as well. But it all starts with you" she finished. Alex shook his head.

"Can I go now?" he asked, already heading towards the door. Dr. Gwen sighed, but he couldn't bring himself to care if she was disappointed or not.

"You're always free to go whenever you feel like it" the woman responded, probably knowing already that Alex would leave even if she said no.

Alex opened the door but remembered at the last minute to grab his coat from the back of the chair. Dr. Gwen didn't waste the opportunity to say something again.

"You've made progress Alex. A lot of progress. Don't forget that" Alex barely nodded before storming out of the room.

He avoided looking at anyone else while he almost ran to the exit. The receptionist, the next patient, none of them mattered. He didn't care about the wet stains on his cheeks, he just wanted to get as far away from those terrible images as he could. The problem was, the images were stuck in his mind. Except he wasn't seeing Vict, he was seeing himself and everything that he'd managed to bury deep inside and that only bothered him at night. Everything was brought back to the surface. Suddenly, his assault hadn't happened almost two years ago. It had happened yesterday, it had happened today and it happened a minute ago when he'd been asked to imagine Vict going through the same thing.

Was Dr. Gwen right? Would Vict accept him if he'd told him what happened to him? He still couldn't see how anyone could. _Ben had_ , his brain supplied. But he was different, he countered, _he's family_.

He walked down the street. He had no direction in mind other than far away from there, and so he just wandered around, willing himself to calm down enough to go back home.

His phone rang. He already knew who it was.

"Al, you okay?" Ben asked, sounding worried, which was a normal occurrence now a days "Dr. Gwen called, said you'd had a tough session, that you were agitated. Where are you?" of course the woman called Ben. He supposed leaving like that had left her concerned.

He sighed _. I'm fine, I'm fine. I have two arms and I have two legs. I can walk, I can talk. I'm fine_.

"Could you come pick me up?" He asked. He didn't feel like taking the bus.

"Yeah, just tell me where you are"

Ben showed up half an hour later. Alex supposed this was the kind of situation Ben had wanted to avoid by going with him to his sessions, and Alex could see the advantages of that, but he'd wanted to deal with this on his own, at least as 'on his own' as he could. It was starting to become clear to him that he couldn't deal with it alone because he didn't know how.

On their way home, Alex thought about his session and everything Dr. Gwen had said. He guessed she was right about some things, but he hadn't been ready for the emotions he'd experienced that day. He felt drained.

When they arrived home, Alex was the one who offered to make some tea. The day was turning dark but neither of them mentioned dinner. For once, food wasn't the most concerning thing to Ben.

When the tea was ready, Alex placed it on the table in front of the couch, where Ben was already waiting. He sat down, rubbing his hands up and down his face.

"I know today couldn't have been easy" the older man commented. Alex sniffled.

"I'm just tired" his voice was gruff, even though he'd already taken a sip of tea, hoping to clear it. Ben reached out to put an arm around Alex's shoulders and tugged him to lean on his side.

"Then rest, Cub. Just rest" The blond felt a pang in his chest at hearing the old nickname, something Ben hadn't used in a long time. He found comfort in it.

Alex left the unfinished tea on the table and gave into Ben's insistence. They leaned back on the couch and Alex rested his head on the older man's shoulder.

"Want to watch a movie?" Alex shrugged as way of answering and agreed to watch anything Ben suggested. He settled for an action-packed movie playing on one of the channels.

After a while, Alex was paying no attention to the screen. His thoughts kept rolling around in his head and instead of feeling better, a wave of something he hadn't felt in some time hit him. It wasn't sadness, or anger. It was despair. Despair that things would never end well for him, that the world was completely against him, taking away one of the best things that had happened to him in years.

He clutched at his chest, turning his head on Ben's shoulder to hide his face between him and the couch and tears began to fall again. With his free hand, he clutched Ben's shirt while the older man cupped his head. When Ben tried to pull him from his hiding place, he just pressed into it harder. He didn't want to keep facing the world. He didn't.

"You're gonna be okay. Breakups happen" Ben tried to reassure him, but Alex shook his head.

"No. I won't" his voice was unrecognizable to his own ears, muffled and roughened by tears. He sounded hopeless.

"Remember two years ago when you said you'd never get over what happened? And the time before that when Egypt happened?" the mention of that fateful day only served to spur Alex's crying even more. He clutched harder at his chest and sucked in a gasping breath "You've been able to hold on and you _have_ healed, and you're gonna do it again"

"I just don't want to feel any more pain. I…I wish I'd never met him" Alex stated, letting out a sob after the heartbreaking admission.

"You don't mean that"

"I do!" Alex blurted, sitting straighter and regarding Ben with red rimmed eyes "If we hadn't met, I wouldn't have wanted to do anything and none of this would be happening! I was fine when I was alone, and he had to come and ruin everything!" He didn't want to cry anymore, he was tired of feeling weak and helpless. Two years feeling the same and nothing had changed. Nothing! Except…

"If someone came to you right now and offered to erase your memory, if you could forget ever meeting him and being with him, also breaking up with him... would you honestly do it?" What was Ben doing? Alex stared at him, surprised at the turn the conversation had taken, while he continued to talk "Would you prefer to forget everything good you guys have lived through just so you can avoid the pain now?" Alex opened his mouth to say that: yes! It would be easier, but he closed it again. Ben kept talking though "You don't have to answer right now. Actually, you don't have to answer to me at all. You're the one who needs to figure it out. Alex, the choice of getting through this, through everything that's happened, is yours"

 _Like I haven't tried!_ He wanted to yell, instead he just nodded and swallowed the urge to scream at Ben. Why was everyone acting so harsh today? Was he that caught up in self-pity that he hadn't let himself move forward for almost two years? Alex looked down, running the back of his hand over his face to eliminate whatever tears were left unchecked. He'd give anything to go running right now.

As it was, he merely just got up from the couch and cleared the cups from the table, taking them into the kitchen before heading to his room.

"Cub?" Ben called after him before he could disappear for the night. Alex halted mid-step and glanced back at him "You'll get through this, you always do"

He nodded and kept going, his bed the only thing inviting enough at the moment.

He would've liked to fall asleep immediately so his brain could shut up for a while and give him a break, but he spent the better part of an hour tossing and turning, pondering on Ben's last question.

If he had the chance to forget, really forget ever feeling something for Vict, would he take it? He knew he'd much rather forget someone else, the man who'd ruined him apparently for good, but that didn't seem to be an option. How was he supposed to live with this for the rest of his life?

He stared at the ceiling.

If someone offered him the chance to forget, he thought again, would he take it? Would he be willing to forget Vict and everything he'd ever made him feel?

Would he?

He eventually fell asleep, and he wasn't any closer to figuring out an answer to that question than he was an hour ago. He just hoped the next day would shed some light on his dilemma, if he could survive another day like the one he'd just had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter people... next chapter is the real deal... fasten your seatbelts because the ride’s about to get bumpy


	17. Ouch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter from Vict’s PoV!  
> WARNINGS: this chapter contains graphic descriptions of violence. Domestic abuse is present in this one and though I tried not to go overboard with it (because I love Vict so much!) you all remember the previous story and how brutal things can get. So, approach this chapter carefully

_Ouch_ , Victor internally moaned when he pressed the towel against his face, forgetting to spare his newly black eye from the rough treatment. He couldn't believe he'd have to show up to school sporting last night's souvenir. And the first day back to work! His boss was gonna flip when he saw him. And how was he going to explain this to—? But he'd worry about crossing that bridge when he got there.

He studied his reflection in the mirror. He'd just stepped out of the shower, needing the early wake-up call if he planned on getting to the end of the day without passing out from exhaustion. To say he hadn't rested during the night was the understatement of the year.

The bruise was dark, a heavy purple color that spoke of how fresh it was. Remembering the sharp pain of his uncle's fist connecting with his face made him wonder how the skin hadn't teared. If the man had hit him any harder… _If he'd hit me any harder, he would've knocked me out_ , he thought to himself.

He'd never had to deal with such a visible mark before. Usually his uncle was careful enough when he got into a fit of rage. He could hide just about anything under his clothes, even more so now that it was winter and all he ever wore were long sleeved shirts and jerseys. And usually he didn't have much to hide. What happened the day before didn't happen all that often, and only when his uncle was tired and he managed to do something to piss him off. Victor knew better than to break the rules of the house, and he knew when not to talk back at him, or he just risked making everything worse. Actually, the black eye staring back at him from the mirror was his fault. He should've just kept his mouth shut.

Yesterday had been bad. He was good at spotting his uncle's ill mood from miles away, but he blamed his distracted brain for not picking up on it sooner. The only thing he'd been able to think about for the last couple of days, the last couple of weeks, was a certain blond-haired boy he just couldn't get out of his head, no matter how much he tried.

And because he'd been wallowing in self pity the day before, he'd forgotten to unlock his bedroom door before his uncle came back home.

He wasn't supposed to lock himself up in his bedroom. In fact, he was often asked to keep the door wide open, but Victor always took advantage of his uncle leaving the house to lock the door, not because he really needed to, but because he could. He was so used to his uncle's obsession with open doors though, that he never found anything unhealthy about it. It's just the way things had always been. He remembered his mother also asking him to keep his door unlocked, but he suspected it had more to do with making sure he could get out in case of an emergency when he was a kid than with some twisted need for control. As it was, his mother had never hit him for it.

His uncle had been out with some friends, probably drinking their asses off before starting the week.

Victor had thought the man would be home way later than he actually was, so he'd been caught by surprise when his bedroom door started to rattle, the doorknob being insistently turned. He pulled his headphones quickly from his head, which was why he hadn't heard anyone entering the house in the first place, his heart racing, feeling like a deer caught in headlights. In a sense, he was.

Taking another closer look in the mirror, he could see the scene playing almost in slow motion, as if to torture him even longer with it.

_"Victor!" the man's angry voice made him flinch harder than the door had, unexpectedly coming to life._

_He stood up from the chair, instinctively taking a step towards the door but stopping himself midstride. He wasn't sure what he should do._

_The longer he took opening the door, the angrier his uncle would get, making whatever punishment he'd earned worse by the second. But if he didn't open it, he thought hopefully, maybe the older man would eventually tire and leave him alone. Then Victor would make sure to leave earlier than usual the next morning to avoid running into him and by the time they saw each other again, his uncle might have forgotten the whole incident._

_That was highly improbable._

_Victor sighed and steadied his resolve. He told himself he was choosing the lesser of two evils, just so he could gather up the courage to open the damned door._

_He did._

_The moment the barrier between him and his uncle was removed, the man was into him like a bull, shoving him deeper into the room and making him stumble a few steps._

_"How many times do I have to tell you not to lock your door?" he asked with venom in his voice._

_"I didn't realize I'd locked it. It was an accident" at least Victor was proud of how firm his own voice sounded. It's just a locked door, what's such the big deal? He thought, like he always did whenever they talked about it._

_"An accident"_ _u_ _ncle Ed repeated, mocking his voice "And how many 'accidents' have you had this month?"_

_"None. I_ _—”_ _he was speechless. All he ever did was make sure everything was spotless and that things got done the way his uncle wanted them done._

_"I don't want to have to repeat this again. Don't lock yourself up" uncle Ed said, starting to turn around. Victor knew he shouldn't keep talking, that he was getting off easy, but the question left his mouth before he could think better about what he was doing._

_"Why?"_ _he_ _seriously wanted to understand._

_"Because I say so!"_ _the_ _older man yelled. What kind of explanation was that?_

_"Well, it's stupid!" Victor blurted out. He'd just asked for a reason, a good reason. Maybe if his uncle gave him one, he wouldn't lock the door again._

_The fist came out of nowhere, and yet he totally saw it coming. He just never expected it to be directed at his face._

_The moment his uncle's hand made contact with him, he felt an immense pain exploding at the side of his face. He got knocked to the side and would've fallen to the floor if he hadn't met the wall on his way down. As it was, he remained hunched, one hand supporting his weight against the wall and the other one cradling his face._

_"I hope I made myself clear" was all his uncle said before heading out of the room, making a show of leaving the door completely opened while Victor watched him from his position on the wall._

And that was that. He'd been left with the responsibility of hiding the truth about what happened from the rest of the world.

Victor sighed. _Your fault,_ he told his reflection in the mirror.

He was drying his hair with the towel when a light knock on the open bathroom door startled him. He was embarrassed to admit that last night had shocked him so much he'd not only left his room door opened, he'd also showered without closing the bathroom door.

Uncle Ed was leaning against the door frame, his posture indicating he was hesitant to go in. He was looking at Victor's black eye with an expression bordering on guilty. Regret, maybe?

"How did you sleep?" He asked, and Victor stared at him for a second before answering back. This was the part he hated the most.

"Okay" he simply said. He suppressed the urge to flinch away when his uncle reached a hand to cradle his cheek and inspect his handiwork. He tilted Victor's head to one side and stroke a thumb over the shadowed area under his eye. Victor swallowed.

"I'm sorry" the man said. Victor kept his gaze away "Does it still hurt?" the hand was finally removed and he could breathe again. He shook his head "Good, good. You know why I'm so tough on you, right? Rules are meant to be followed, how else are you supposed to become a good man?" Victor turned his head even further and bit his lip painfully to stop himself from saying anything back. The sting brought involuntary tears to his eyes. His uncle took a step towards him "Hey, hey, come here" he said in such a gentle tone that Victor wasn't sure if the tear that started running down his cheek was involuntary or not. They hugged.

He tried not to give into it, to hold himself stiff. First his uncle hurts him and then he wants to comfort him? But the man knew him well. He knew Victor always fell for the hug. Who else was there to hug him anyway? If he didn't take advantage of the times his uncle offered such a comfort, they'd never act like a real family, like two people that cared for each other because there was no one else to do so for them. Unfortunately though, the price of those moments always meant getting hurt first.

Yes, this was the part he hated the most, but it was also the one he had been waiting for all night.

When they stepped back, Victor ran a hand over his face once. He needed to compose himself.

"Make sure to put some ice on that" uncle Ed said. He closed the bedroom door on his way out, so Victor assumed it was okay to leave it like that.

He got dressed and picked up his backpack. It was time to face the world.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He spent the whole way to school thinking about what he would say to everyone once he removed his sunglasses. He couldn't get away with wearing them in a perfectly illuminated enclosed space. He would look stupid. At least if he came up with a good enough excuse, he had the chance to look cool.

Victor liked to consider himself an expert when it came to making up stories, his vast knowledge on literature and movie plots acting as fuel for his imagination. When he was in high school, he used to win every writing contest of his class.

But his story needed to be believable. No one could suspect a thing.

Lessons came and lessons went.

Some people acted concerned, others laughed at his story. That was okay, he was aiming to make it sound funny and as if he'd gotten the last say in the matter. No one mentioned it again.

But if he was being honest with himself, what people in school thought didn't matter as much as he'd anticipated. He was way more concerned about what a certain person would say when he saw him.

Thank God Alex wouldn't work until the next day. Even if one day wasn't much of a difference when it came to gathering the courage to face him, he'd take any extra second he could get.

First though, he had to get past Mr. Strauss.

Victor walked into the store, hoping his boss wouldn't send him home arguing he couldn't serve costumers looking like he'd just walked out of a street fight. He couldn't afford to lose his job. He'd taken a lot of time convincing his uncle to let him get one and then actually being hired. He wanted to save money so he didn't have to depend on his uncle so much.

Plus, he liked his job, even if from now on tuesdays and thursdays would feel like going go the pig slaughter, something he should have some experience with.

But he didn't want to think about that now.

The place was empty except for Mr. Strauss, who was opening the register for the day.

He was expecting the shock in the other man's face.

"What on earth happened to you?" he asked. He didn't sound angry though, merely surprised. Victor ran a hand through the back of his head.

"I got mugged last night" he said. He'd told the story so many times that day that he already knew it by heart. Mr. Strauss was shaking his head when he answered.

"What has our country come to" he lamented "Are you okay though? Think you can cover your shift?"

"I'd like to work if you don't mind me looking like this"

"It'll raise some eyebrows but it's fine" he said and Victor let out a grateful sigh.

It was easy to fall back into his routine. Cleaning shelves, organizing products, talking to costumers. Nobody gave him a second glance for his eye, and soon he didn't feel self-conscious about it anymore.

One hour turned into two. It was a slow day, but he found himself busy enough to keep his mind from wandering off.

Someone asked him about a baseball bat. Which one worked better, a heavy one or a lighter one? He wasn't an expert in the matter but he explained as best as he could the differences between each bat.

When Mr. Strauss suddenly called for him, he was just handing the costumer the item he had finally decided to buy and he headed towards to door, where his boss was waiting for him with Alex at his side.

Wait, _Alex?_

Victor walked the rest of the way calmly but inside he was panicking. He wasn't supposed to worry about him until tomorrow and, also, he might have miscalculated just how much seeing the other boy would affect him. God, he was so handsome. Two weeks without seeing him and knowing they weren't together anymore made even looking at him painful. The other boy didn't look happy to see him though, he seemed annoyed instead. Suddenly Victor felt self-conscious again.

"Yeah" he said when he reached the pair waiting for him.

 _Don't ask about it, don't ask about it, don't ask about it..._ Alex didn't ask about his black eye, but instead of feeling relieved, Victor felt disappointed. That's how much Alex cared, he thought to himself.

All of that went down in Victor's head before Mr. Strauss began to talk. Victor made a conscious effort not to deviate his gaze from their boss, he didn't think he could stand the indifferent look on Alex's face.

"I'm afraid Alex here won't be able to keep working with us" and he felt his stomach drop to the floor. He risked a glance at Alex, gaping at the news but quickly schooled his features into a mask of nonchalance. He didn't want anyone to know how conflicted he actually was.

He wanted to say so many things: _you can't do this. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't want you to go..._ But all he said was "Okay"

He could tell he'd sounded rude, but it was either that or risking bursting into tears in front of everyone. Victor didn't want Alex to disappear from his life. It'd be painful to work together and yes, he'd kept himself away from the other boy during the past weeks but to suddenly have his life just as it was before, no Alex involved whatsoever was making him hate himself even more for whatever it is he'd done to drive the other boy away from him.

By the time Mr. Strauss went back to work, neither Victor nor Alex made a move. Victor was the one to break the silence though.

"You're quitting" he didn't want to believe it.

"I need more time for school" was the other boy's reply and Victor bit his tongue, hard. That was a lame excuse. A lame excuse to cover up the fact that Alex didn't want to work there anymore because he didn't want to be near him, because apparently being near him caused him something aching to disgust and there was nothing Victor could do to change that even though he'd spent countless hours trying to understand what he'd done wrong. Alex didn't like being with him and he couldn't even stand the idea of working together anymore.

"I'm sure" Victor answered back, hoping the other boy didn't catch the break in his voice. He turned around quickly and walked into one of the hallways. Thank God it was empty, because he was taking huge gulps of air and blinking his eyes rapidly to avoid breaking down in the worst possible moment.

Alex was quitting a job he'd been doing first, long before him, just so he wouldn't have to see him again.

With a trembling hand, he reached into one of the shelves to steady himself and didn't think about walking back out until he heard the door open and close, which hopefully meant Alex was gone.

It took him a few minutes to compose himself before he could start working again. When he did, all he could think about was how royally he'd screwed everything up.

He'd let himself develop feelings, strong feelings, for someone that didn't think twice about breaking up with him over a phone, not offering any real explanation. Victor had figured it was possible Alex had realized he didn't really like men, and that he had been a mere experiment that had been discarded the moment it was clear it wasn't going to work.

And Victor hated himself, because maybe it was him who had misunderstood everything from the beginning, and he had been so insistent he planted doubts on the other boy. He knew he was the other boy's first male interest and he should've known it wouldn't end well. He just never imagined it would end so abruptly or that he was gonna be left feeling so hurt and dejected afterwards. He'd gotten hung up on the other boy way too fast and way too hard, and now he was paying the price.

Thinking back on the last 24 for hours, Victor couldn't see how his life could get any worse than it currently was, when the physical pain of his black eye was a direct match to the pain he was feeling inside. He had no idea though, that things were about to get a lot more complicated than that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was saturday night, the first week back to his routine finally over and he was sitting at the dinner table with his uncle.

He'd barely gotten out of bed all day, not even changing from his pijama trousers and sleeping t-shirt into real clothes and walking out of his room just for breakfast and lunch. He was glad Uncle Ed hadn't said anything, Victor just wasn't in the mood.

The older man had just finished putting the plates on the table, and they were a few bites into the food when he cleared his throat and called Victor's attention.

"There's something we need to talk about"

Victor glanced up from his plate, not liking the sound of his uncle's voice. He didn't look angry though, he seemed thoughtful.

"What?" He asked, taking another bite from his plate.

"I probably should've told you sooner, but I got a job offer a couple of weeks ago"

"Oh? That's good"

"It is, actually. It's better paid with less driving hours. It's more of an office job, still about transporting merchandise, but I'll have a higher rank job" he explained. If he wouldn't spend so much time driving, did that mean he'd be home more often? Victor didn't like the sound of that.

"You said it was a couple of weeks ago. Did you accept?"

"I needed time to think about it. It's a big change for me" that didn't necessarily answer his question.

"You'll do fine. If it's a better job, then it's a better job" he said anyway.

"Yeah"

"So?" Victor insisted "Did you say yes?"

"Ahm, yeah, yeah. I accepted. Yesterday, in fact" something was fishy though, Uncle Ed wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Okay" Victor guessed there'd be new rules to get used to, something he wasn't looking forward to.

"Job's in London though" his uncle added as an afterthought. Victor swallowed and put his fork down. _In London?_

"What does that mean?" He hoped it didn't mean what he thought it meant.

"It means we're gonna have to start packing soon. Job starts in about a month" the man said and began to eat again.

"What? I can't go now" Victor exclaimed. Was his uncle serious? "What do you expect me to do about school?"

"I've thought about it. Next semester starts at the end of february, you can hold your courses and transfer colleges from here to London" he definitely couldn't be serious. Victor leaned away from the table.

"It's not that easy. They could deny the transfer and even if they didn't, I'll be wasting time. I graduate next year" he explained while the other man continued to stab the meet on his plate.

"It's a sacrifice, I understand. But you have to think about what's best for us" Victor snorted internally. This wasn't good for him, it was only good for the other man.

"I graduate _next_ year" he repeated, as if that explained it all "I don't want to fall behind" he's been waiting so long for the last year of college he couldn't even phantom the idea of extending the time he still had left until graduation.

"It's not a big deal, people skip semesters all the time"

"But I don't want to" he pushed the chair away from the table with a loud screech.

"You're being unreasonable, Victor" his uncle said "Besides, it's decided"

"Because you accepted the job without even asking me about it" Victor countered, disregarding the warning signals his brain was giving him.

"I didn't need your permission to do so" he recognized his uncle's voice hardening and they were walking into dangerous territory, but he couldn't back down from this now. How was he supposed to drop everything and just move to London in a month?

"You could've asked. You don't live alone, you know" he countered.

"What good would that have done if you were gonna act like this anyway?" his uncle finally put his fork down and forgot about dinner.

"It's not fair, Ed. We don't even need the money"

"Says you! I'm the one that has to provide!" the yell caught him by surprise. Sometimes he wondered why none of the neighbors had ever complained about it. His uncle certainly yelled a lot.

"Well" Victor said, pushing his unfinished plate towards the center of the table "I'm not going" Uncle Ed didn't like that. He slammed both hands into the surface, making everything on top rattle and causing Victor to flinch.

"Yes, you are!" more yelling.

"Everything I have is here. Everyone I know" he protested "You can't just expect me to leave it all"

"That's what this is about, isn't it?" The other man answered back "What, you got a boyfriend or something?" Victor stiffened. His uncle had always known about him, but they hadn't talked about it since the day he'd told him the truth.

"That's not it. All my friends are here" he made sure to stress the word. He didn't have _'someone'_ here, at least not anymore.

"The world's filled with freakshows, you know" his uncle continued, ignoring his words "I'm sure you'll find another one soon enough" and Victor's mouth was left hanging open. He wasn't a stranger to insults due to his sexual orientation, but somehow it wasn't just offensive coming from his uncle, it was hurtful. He stood up from the table

"Well this 'freakshow' isn't going anywhere" he stated, walking around the table to go to his room. The moment his uncle stood up as well, he knew he'd screwed up.

"Don't you walk away from me!" The man roared, intercepting his walk to take a hold of his t-shirt.

This time, Victor's instincts reacted differently to what they always were, which was back away and hope for the best. Remembering the pain from six days ago, he tapped into the first defensive maneuver he'd learned from Alex, blocking the incoming fist, trapping the arm under his own, turning around and slamming his elbow back. He quickly took a step back from his uncle and stared wide eyed at the trail of blood running from the corner of the other man's mouth. He gasped. What had he done?

"I'm sorry" he blurted out, his shaking hands raised in front of him in a placating matter. Uncle Ed wiped the blood from his chin so calmly it was almost eerie "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. Ed, I'm sorry" he was unconsciously taking small steps back.

As soon as the other man looked at him, he lunged forward, trapping Victor against the wall.

"You're sorry?!" He yelled, sending a solid fist, followed quickly by a knee, to his gut. Victor slumped to the ground, trying to catch his breath. _Come on, let it be it, let it be it_. He silently prayed, hoping his uncle wouldn't hurt him beyond that.

He made the mistake of looking up only to be met by a punch to the face that knocked him back to the ground. It wasn't the only one though, and by the third one, blood was running freely from his nose.

He was gasping from pain, lack of air and, admittedly, fear, because his uncle wasn't walking away. Instead, the man was on his way to kick him again.

Victor began scrambling away.

"Don't" he begged "No" but the other man acted as if he was deaf. The kick got him in the lower stomach and he grunted.

"I'm tired" another kick "of dealing with your attitude" he was kicked again.

Victor was trying to take a deeper breath, protecting his stomach as best as he could against the onslaught of hits. He wasn't doing a very good job.

He flinched back when his uncle suddenly knelt by his side, fisting his hands at the front of his t-shirt and hauling him up. He ended up standing against the wall, his uncle's forearm pressing against his throat, cutting off his air circulation.

"Do I have to remind you who pays for your school? The house, the food?" Victor was trying to claw his way out of the hold, but he couldn't find a strong enough grip. Alex had taught him how to do this, they'd practiced how to get out of chokeholds, but no amount of training could've prepared him for the viciousness behind his uncle's actions.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew his brain was wandering off. Sometimes it did that, when he wanted to scape his uncle's ire and he physically couldn't. But this time was different. His uncle was out of control and either he did something or the other man would end up killing him.

Uncle Ed had been talking, yelling stuff he couldn't even focus on and Victor was shaking.

"Ed. Uncle Ed, stop. Pl-please" his voice was barely above a whisper "I can't breathe" he let out desperately. His uncle was gonna kill him!

Against all odds, the man let him go and he slumped forward, coughing and taking huge gulps of air at the same time. He truly hoped the punishment was finally over.

It wasn't.

He felt himself being hauled across the living room and he had no other choice than to stumble behind his uncle.

"You don't want to go to London? Fine! Let's see how you survive living on your own"

When they approached the front door, Victor understood what was going on. He nailed his feet to the floor. It was no use.

"What are you—?" his uncle pulled the door inward and no matter how hard he fought, the man just pushed him out the door and into the front yard. Victor tripped and fell on his knees, his body screaming at the pain that radiated from his injuries.

"I'm done with you" his uncle spat and slammed the door closed.

"No, no, no" Victor said, scrambling to his feet and pressing himself against the door. The cold winter air stung against his unprotected skin "Uncle Ed! Open the door" he slammed the palm of his hand against the door repeatedly. It didn't open "Let me back in. Please! Let me back in"

He was breathing heavily, his body already shaking uncontrollably from the cold, but his uncle ignored every one of his pleas.

He stood there, with his forehead pressed against the door, trying to control his panic.

He'd just been kicked out of his house. He was dressed only in his trousers and t-shirt, with the heater on inside the house, he hadn't even put on a sweater. He had no phone, no keys, no fucking shoes!

 _Okay, calm down, calm down_. What to do now?

He moaned when taking a step back from the door made every muscle in his body flare up in pain. He was so cold he was stiff, and the longer he stood out there, the harder it would be to move. For a second, his main concern shifted from his uncle kicking him out of the house to his uncle killing him by making him freeze to death.

It wasn't impossible. It had happened before and he once saw a movie— _Focus!_ He chided himself. He needed to get inside, but his uncle wasn't going to give. He tried again, though he wasn't even sure his voice would be carried all the way through the house.

"Please, please, please" it didn't work.

He looked around him. It was late so there wasn't many people on his street.

He needed somewhere to go.

His first choice would've been Leyla, but she lived way too far to go on foot, much less hurting like he was at the moment.

His gaze wandered over in the direction of the park, beyond which lived Alex, just a few blocks away. He closed his eyes in resignation.

He didn't want to ask Alex for help. If the other boy didn't want anything to do with him, Victor didn't want to bother him anymore. Besides, would he even care? He'd completely ignored the fact he'd been hurt the week before, so why would he offer any help now?

But the wind picking up made his resolve falter. He needed to go.

He cleaned the blood from his face as much as he could and wrapped his arms around himself. He took a few steps forward. His feet were going to suffer the worst of it.

He began to walk.

Progress was slow and painful. His side hurt so bad he had to press his hand firmly against it, and breathing wasn't any easier than it was a few minutes ago.

He supposed he looked pathetic. The few people he passed by barely glanced at him before giving him a wide berth. He felt like a homeless person trying to find some shelter. The fact that he might as well be one felt like a hand squeezing his racing heart.

He made it to the park. He was taking too long. The way to Alex's place was supposed to be a 10-minute walk from his house, but he'd already taken that same amount of time just to reach the small park where they used to spend hours at.

Oh, how he missed those days, when no matter what went down around him, he could always count on Alex to make things better just by being together.

He took a moment to rest against the side fence of the park. His feet hurt, his side hurt, his chest hurt. Everything hurt and thinking about what he'd once had but couldn't anymore wasn't making things any easier.

He kept going.

He was getting closer to the building. To distract himself from the torturous last stretch of the way, he began thinking about how he'd explain this to the blond. There was no way he'd believe something like he'd fallen down the stairs. And what about being caught underdressed in the middle of the winter? He frowned and looked up from where he'd been tracking his halted progress. He should've gotten there by now.

There was someone else ahead of him. He kept his head down, not wanting another passerby to give him a disapproving look for all the bruises on his face. He was so close to the building now, he just needed—

"Victor?" the person in front of him asked. He stopped in surprise. He hadn't realized how close the man actually was, or maybe he'd spaced out during the last couple of steps. It was Alex's brother, Ben, and they were standing in front of their building.

He'd made it, he thought, and swayed on the spot, the relief of having arrived momentarily soothing all the aches and pains in his body.

"Wow, wow there" Alex's brother said, reaching a hand to steady him "Boy, you're freezing!" Victor didn't know what to say, or even if his voice would work long enough for him to ask for help.

The other man roamed his eyes up and down his body, seeming to notice his bare feet for the first time. He could barely feel them now. They seemed frosted. Alex's brother must have seen something on his face besides the bruises, for he put the plastic bag he'd been carrying on the ground and shrugged out of his coat to put it around his shoulders.

"Here" he said. The warm underside of the garment felt like a heater against his skin, the heat actually almost painful. He shivered hard.

"Th-tha-thanks" so his voice worked, it just made him sound like a tool.

"What happened to you?" he could detect real concern behind the words.

"I— I was… I w-was…" he didn't have an excuse yet. He didn't know what to say. But the older man didn't wait for a complete answer before indicating him to follow.

"Let's talk upstairs" upstairs sounded like a fantastic idea at the moment, but as soon as he took a step forward, he stumbled and doubled over with a moan. He'd been standing for too long. Ben caught him "Okay, put your arm around my shoulders, I'll help you" he instructed. Victor tried.

"I ca-can't, can't li-lift my arm" he said around a grimace and the chattering of his teeth.

"That's a yes on the ribs, then. Come on, we'll walk slowly"

Somehow they made it inside and just the feeling of the wind cutting off abruptly at the entrance of the building made the longest walk of his life worth it.

They entered the elevator in silence, Ben's hand supporting him by the elbow. He honestly didn't know how he'd managed to survive getting there on his own.

The smell of food reached him then and he realized the bag Ben was carrying was probably dinner _. Great time to interrupt_ , he told himself.

It took less than a minute to reach the first floor and when the door to the apartment came into view, that's when he truly realized what he was about to do, where he was about to step into. _Alex_ , he thought.

They hadn't talked, really talked, since Christmas. They'd barely seen each other that once on the store, and he was about to go into his home and meet him again, sporting enough bruises to make his story about being mugged actually believable. His heart started to pound.

Ben opened the door and left the food bag by the entrance, helping him cross the threshold when he stumbled again.

"Alex!" the man yelled, making him flinch both from the loud voice and because there was no turning back now. The blond in question answered from somewhere inside.

"Hey, Ben. Table's re—" as soon as he walked out, the other boy gaped at them before focusing his eyes solely on him. Victor stared back "What the hell happened?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy... how on earth is Alex going to react to this?


	18. Ben, cut it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure unadulterated hurt/comfort and fluff, so enjoy!

Until that day, there were a few things Alex had been certain of:

One, he'd never see the boy he liked again.

Two, he didn't think it was possible to be caught entirely by surprise anymore

And three, he'd never feel as afraid as he was when he found himself with no family and alone, before Ben truly came into the picture.

But when he saw Vict walking— no, _stumbling_ into his house, covered in blood and bruises, he realized he'd been wrong on all three accounts.

"What the hell happened?" the other boy looked a mess: hunched over himself, a grimace of pain on his face with a coat wrapped around his shoulders and looking like he would fall at any moment. Vict didn't answer.

"Let's get him on the couch" Ben said, breaking Alex's stupor. The blond rushed forward and mirrored Ben's posture on the other side of Vict, supporting him by the arm and guiding him deeper into the apartment. Alex's heart stuttered when Vict latched one of his hands into his forearm, but instead of butterflies in his stomach, he found his heart skyrocketing out of his chest with concern. The grip was almost bruising itself and that only served to prove the other boy was in a world of hurt.

"Slowly now" Alex instructed. Vict hissed when he dropped on the couch and between him and Ben, they helped him lay back against the headrest.

Vict's body was being wracked by strong shivers and Ben's coat wasn't enough to make him warm up.

"Alex" Ben called, having the same thought "Get some blankets and the first aid kit" he nodded and went to stand up, but the grip on his arm tightened and he found Vict's eyes staring into his own almost pleadingly. Alex didn't know what to make of that.

"I'll be right back" he assured, choosing to believe Vict didn't want him to leave his side. _He probably doesn't want me to make the couch move so much_ , he thought. Now was not the time to get any hopes up.

Vict let him go and he hurried inside.

 _Okay, blankets, blankets, first aid kit_. He grabbed a few spare blankets and the kit from the bathroom and then went back out.

With some effort, they exchanged the coat for a blanket around Vict's back.

"Better?" the other boy just nodded. Apart from the occasional hiss or moan, he had yet to utter a single word "Vict, what happened to you? Did you get into a fight? How bad are you hurt? How much—?”

"Al, let's give him a chance to warm up before bombarding him with questions" Ben interrupted, earning a glare from him and a grateful look from Vict.

"But—"

"Why don't you start a kettle, that'll rush the process" Alex sighed and went to the kitchen. Vict didn't seem distraught about him leaving again.

While he waited for the water to boil, Alex drummed his fingers impatiently over the kitchen counter. He could hear Ben from the living room, explaining to Vict what he would do to clean the wounds.

Alex wanted to go back out there but his feet were glued on the spot. A thousand scenarios were running through his head about what could've happened to Vict, and he couldn't help but remember the game his therapist had made him play.

 _Imagine the roles were reversed_. That's what the woman had said, asking Alex to imagine Vict in a situation where he came to tell him he’d been hurt by someone else. It had been painful enough just to pretend such a scene could happen, but to have it actually happening made every fiber of his being afraid of the reason.

The water boiling called his attention back to the task at hand and he busied himself with the preparation of the tea.

When he walked back to the living room, Vict was holding a rag to his nose and Ben was cleaning the cut on his cheek. Alex could see the fading bruise of Vict's black eye from a week ago acting as background to the tearing of the skin Ben was currently addressing. Alex made himself known by putting the tea cup on the table near the couch, but the other boy didn't attempt to get it. He was laying motionless while Ben worked on him, his eyes closed and breathing through his mouth. At least his breathing didn't sound so labored anymore.

Then came his torso. Ben helped Vict lift his shirt to inspect the damage and Alex saw red when Vict's side showed so many bruises it was hard to tell where he wasn't hurt.

Alex felt a bit awkward and terribly useless just standing there watching Ben check Vict's ribs in case any of them were broken. When it came to medical knowledge, neither of them were as adequately prepared as, say, Snake for example, but being an SAS soldier with your own unit medic meant you had to pick up on a few things along the way. Alex himself knew the basics on how to handle gunshot wounds and stab wounds. But Vict didn't have any of those and the mere fact that it was _Vict_ was making Alex's brain short circuit enough that he didn't know what he could do to help.

"Nothing seems to be broken, but I can't know for sure" was Ben's diagnose "How's the nose? Did the bleeding stop?" Vict removed the rag from his nose, moved it around experimentally and nodded.

"I think so" it was the first time Alex had heard him speak since he arrived. The blond took that as a green light to engage him in conversation.

"So, what happened?" he asked. It was Ben who answered though.

"I walked into him right outside. I think he was coming here?" Vict looked at them both before lowering his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know where else to go. Your house is close by" he tried to shift on the couch but the movement pulled on his injuries enough to elicit a gasp. Alex couldn't stand it any longer. He sat down next to him.

"Why didn't you just call? I would've gone pick you up" no matter how heartbroken he was or how much seeing Vict would hurt him, he'd never deny him help if he asked for it. He could never leave him to suffer like he was clearly suffering now. Vict's reply was so soft Alex had to strain to hear it.

"He wouldn't let me in" he said "My phone was inside, I couldn't— He threw me out" the look he gave Alex was enough to shatter his heart.

"Your uncle? He did this to you?" he asked outraged. Alex exchanged a look with Ben, but the older man remained silent.

"I know what this looks like" Vict said around the question.

"It looks like you got the crap beaten out of you" Alex said back at him "Did your uncle did it?" he needed confirmation. When Vict sheepishly nodded, Alex ran a hand through his hair.

"He's never..." Vict began but he trailed off at the skeptical look Alex gave him.

"He's never hit you before?" he thought back to every bruise he'd ever seen on Vict's body which were the reason he'd begun to teach him self-defense in the first place. He supposed he knew something must have been causing the injuries and then last week... he didn't know why it never occurred to him his uncle could be the culprit.

"Not like this"

Alex bit back his next comment. He didn't want to dump into the other boy exactly how he felt about that statement. Ben cleared his throat to walk into the conversation again, asking Vict if he was hurting anywhere else.

"Did he hit you on your back?" Vict shook his head "Are you sure?" a nod "Are you hurt anywhere else?" Vict didn't answer, instead he turned his head to the side, keeping his eyes cast down. Alex put a hesitant hand on his shoulder, calling for his attention and making him look up from his lap.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" he repeated the question, willing the other boy to answer honestly.

"Feet hurt" Vict whispered and immediately looked down again. Alex knelt on the floor next to him, intent on inspecting his feet, but Vict tried to hide them as soon as he reached for them "It's not that bad"

"I think they're just cold" Alex didn't insist on trying to take a closer look at them. Vict's face was flushed red and he didn't want to add to whatever embarrassment he was feeling now "I'll find you a pair of socks"

He went to his room and rummaged into one of the drawers. He took the fluffiest pair of socks he could find and squeezed them hard for a moment. The anger he hadn't let himself feel in favor of focusing on helping the other boy came rushing to the surface now that he was alone again. Except it wasn't anger, not entirely. It was fear. Alex could feel a wave of unadulterated fear taking a hold of him when thinking about the injured boy in his living room.

He feared for his safety, for the physical state he was in, for the emotional one he must be going through right now.

Alex felt like they weren't doing enough to help him and maybe he was hurt worse than he was letting on. Closing the drawer, he made a decision.

He walked back to the couch where Vict had started to sip on the tea he'd made and knelt to put the socks on his feet, even though the other boy protested the help and insisted on doing it himself. It took Ben almost holding him back for them to put them on but eventually they managed.

Ben put away the first aid kit while Vict drank his tea and slowly but surely, the shivers that still occasionally rattled his body began to fade. Alex noticed how Vict's eyelids were dropping every five seconds and he seemed to melt into the couch. Adrenalin was leaving his body and suddenly the possibility of him passing out made Alex jump from the couch.

"I'm taking you to the hospital" he didn't think he'd be able to handle watching Vict passing out and only then taking him to the hospital. He rather save himself the scare. Besides, he needed to feel like he was actually doing something to help him and as much as Ben knew his way around first aid care, he didn't want to risk them overlooking something potentially dangerous.

"No, there's no need" at the mention of the hospital, Vict looked more alert than he'd been since he arrived. He obviously didn't like the idea.

"No need? You could have broken ribs for all we know. What if one of them shifts? What if you puncture a lung?"

"He said nothing was broken" Vict said shaking his head.

"He said he couldn't be sure"

"Nothing's broken" Vict stated.

"I suppose you know the difference between bruised, cracked or broken ribs?" he honestly didn't mean to sound so brisk.

"Do you?"

"No, which is why you're going to the hospital to get that checked out by someone who actually knows" despite his previous experiences with hurt ribs before, unless a rib was clearly broken and protruding out of place, it was really hard to distinguish between a mere bruise or a crack. They hurt like hell either way.

"You're overreacting" Vict said. At least if the disagreement was good for something, it was to make the other boy look more alert and alive. Speaking of alive, Alex was going to do everything in his power to make sure Vict stayed that way, even if it meant fighting him along the way. The other boy probably already hated him anyway.

"Yeah, well, I'd rather not watch another person I love die when I could've done something to prevent it"

The silence that followed was deafening.

A second later, Alex seemed to catch up on what he'd said, on his choice of words and the resulting looks on both Vict's and Ben's face. They were staring at him and he shifted self-consciously on his feet. Vict, specially, was gaping at him with something he couldn't quite decipher on his face.

As the silence stretched on, Alex decided he was better neither correcting himself nor addressing the comment. He continued to pursue his goal though.

"I'll go change and bring you a pair of shoes" Vict didn't say anything back. Alex took that as agreement to go.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Vict ended up wearing a pair of Ben's shoes, since Alex's didn't fit. Alex had lent him a sweater and a coat, though it was a struggle to get them on. Ben left them at the entrance of the building while he went to fetch the car that had been parked too far to make Vict walk towards it. The drive to the hospital took them about 20 minutes.

Vict had been silent all the way, only answering with a shake or a nod whenever Alex asked him if he was doing okay.

The blond had foregone the passenger seat to seat next to Vict on the back. He had to suppress the urge to reach and take Vict's hand, partly because the other boy had both arms wrapped around his middle, and partly because he didn't want to be turned down.

As usual, the emergency room was packed with people. They didn't have to wait too long though, for Vict's name was called shortly after they arrived and he was placed into one of the triage boxes Alex himself had been a resident on not that long ago. Vict was asked if he wanted to have any company inside, he said he preferred to be alone.

Ben and Alex were told to sit in the waiting room, where Alex began bouncing his leg up and down. Ben, ever the calming force in his life, put a hand on his shoulder.

"He's gonna be okay. He wasn't too badly hurt" Alex looked at him as if he had suddenly sprung a second head.

"Not too badly hurt? Didn't you see his face? His chest?" Alex made a wide gesture with his arm in the direction of the door Vict had been wheeled through.

"It could've been worse, considering"

"It was worse enough" Alex countered, going back to trying to drill his foot into the floor. They remained silent until a few minutes later, Alex spoke again "I should've known"

"Alex, you couldn't" but the blond wouldn't be deterred.

"The signs were all there" he argued, the logic making sense in his head "I know defensive wounds when I see them but I bought the excuses" the day he quit the store, if he hadn't been so selfish, only thinking about not being able to handle a conversation with him, he could've asked about the black eye, make Vict tell him how he'd actually gotten it "If I had done something, maybe this wouldn't have happened"

He didn't get an answer for a while, which only served to prove how right he was, but the moment Ben opened his mouth to say something, instead of words, a controlled bout of laughter made Alex look at him surprised.

"You know, if I had any doubts before, I am completely positive now" the older man said.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've been dealing with a lot of things lately, but until now I hadn't realized that the main thing you've been dealing with was being in love" Ben stated and Alex's face couldn't have gone any redder.

"I'm not in love" he was quick to respond, maybe too quick, and what he wasn't expecting was his own stomach to roll and unsettle.

"You sure about that?"

"Ben, cut it out"

"I think you are"

"I'm not in love with Victor!" Alex whisper-yelled.

"Excuse me, are you here with the boy who was brought not long ago? Victor?" a nurse had approached the pair while they'd been arguing and Alex immediately jumped to his feet.

"Yes! How is he?"

"And, you are...?" the woman asked, glancing between him and Ben, who had also stood up.

"Alex. I'm his... friend"

"You'll be relieved to know everything looked worse than it was" she said, to which Alex bit back saying how much he thought was wrong with that statement since he'd already covered it with Ben "He'll be released shortly. If you could come with me, I'll explain the care he needs before being discharged"

Ben nodded to Alex to go with the nurse and he was guided through the triage rooms until they reached the one Vict was in.

He was resting on a stretcher, wearing a hospital gown under the blankets and an i.v. running fluids into his system. He looked tired and worn out, but at least the edges of pain had lessened from his face. Vict opened his eyes when they walked closer to the stretcher. When their eyes met, Alex offered a shy smile that he thankfully returned before casting his eyes away.

"We did an x-ray on his chest, no ribs are broken but they are severely bruised" at hearing this, Vict sent Alex a look that said ' _See? Not broken_ ', to which Alex's own look responded with a raised eyebrow ' _Yeah? Severely bruised though_ '. They left it at that "He'll be sore for a couple of days and moving around much isn't recommended, although short walks should help prevent his muscles from stiffening too much with disuse. He's been given a strong painkiller now, but the ones we prescribed him are less aggressive. He should have one every eight hours for three days and then every twelve until the bottle is over" Alex nodded to every indication. Vict didn't seem like he was paying enough attention though, in fact, he looked like he was about to fall asleep.

The nurse removed the i.v. and indicated Alex to wait outside while she helped Vict get changed.

He explained everything to Ben once they met at the waiting room before a very groggy looking Vict was wheeled out by the nurse carrying his discharge papers.

Alex and Ben didn't even need to address the matter to know Vict would be staying with them that night. Neither of them were about to leave the other boy at the hands of his uncle, if the man even took him back at all, no matter how awkward the situation might be. For now, Alex was glad Vict was either too tired or too drugged up on pain killers to argue the arrangements.

It didn't take them as long to go into the apartment as it had going out, and between Alex and Ben, they helped Vict change into Alex's loosest outfit for the night. Despite the medication still coursing through his body, Vict couldn't suppress every sound of discomfort, which made any awkwardness at helping him change clothes turn into concern and worry for the blond.

Vict laid down on Alex's bed.

Ben made sure Alex was okay with being alone with Vict while he went to get changed himself and grab a bite to eat. They hadn't had dinner after all.

Alex's attention went back to the boy currently laying on his bed when he began to move around trying to find a more comfortable position. His eyes were screwed shut and his brow furrowed in pain. Alex couldn't keep watching that. He went to fetch some extra pillows and walked back into his room. He put a hand on Vict's shoulder and the other boy opened his eyes to regard him with slightly unfocused and tired eyes.

"Here" Alex arranged the pillows on his bed to support Vict's back, who was on his side "This should help support your back"

He knew how uncomfortable laying on your back with hurt ribs could be. You had to find the perfect equilibrium between being on your side and laying on your back. Vict let himself be guided into the ideal position and he let out a sigh of relief when he was finally able to rest better. Alex couldn't keep himself from smiling. He considered what else he could do to help and grabbed one of the spare pillows.

"Put the pillow under your arm, like you're hugging someone" he instructed while he helped maneuver Vict's arm into place. Vict's tired sounding voice reached him in a whisper.

"I'd rather hug something else" Alex smiled softly again.

"Yeah? What?" despite the circumstances, he was starting to think a groggy Vict was extremely funny and definitely cute.

"You" the other boy said, not able to keep his eyes opened any more. Alex's heart started pounding in his chest. He couldn't mean that, he tried to convince himself.

"You're high" he replied with a nervous laugh.

"I'm not high" Vict said back, his dragging words proving him wrong "Merely uninhibited" Alex let out a snort.

"You're definitely high"

When Alex was done making sure Vict was comfortable enough, he tried to move away from the bed but a hand tugging on his arm stopped him.

"Stay..." Alex gulped and stared into the other boy's face. His eyes were still closed, but his brow remained furrowed. Alex ran a hand through his hair, not sure what to do. He knew what he _wanted_ to do, he just wasn't sure it was a good idea "Please"

He carefully laid down next to Vict.

Alex was at the edge of the bed, not wanting to crowd the other boy and hit any of his injuries. As it was, his heart was painfully hammering inside his chest when Vict's hand crawled over to him and took a lose hold of his shirt.

"Miss you" Vict murmured and Alex wasn't sure he'd heard right. _That's just the medication talking_ , he thought.

"Are you hurting?" he asked in a whisper. What else was he supposed to say? Vict's grip on his shirt was getting weaker by the second.

"A bit" the other boy confessed, letting out a soft sigh.

Alex stared at him for a while, just looking at his features and trying to ignore the purple marks interfering with the picture. In a bold gesture, he reached up with his hand and began to play with the hair at the top of Vict's head, running his fingers through it and combing it away from his forehead.

"I never wanted to hurt you" he said softly, sure now that the other boy had fallen asleep.

If there was something he'd never wanted was for Vict to get hurt because of him, because of his inability to relate to other people, because of his fear and his own demons. He knew the way he'd handled things was tactless and selfish, and he regretted it every day, even though he knew there had been no other option.

He heard Ben opening the door to check on them, but he didn't turn around and Ben didn't say anything, merely closing the door behind him.

Alex's eyes were glued to the sleeping form by his side. He was barely illuminated by the light coming from the window, but that didn't stop him from seeing the other boy perfectly in his mind.

He could feel the pull of sleep making his eyelids heavy and he carefully readjusted his position on the bed, letting his hand rest on top of Vict's head.

"I miss you too" he whispered before falling asleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was a little short, but don’t worry... we’re only half way through the whole series 😬 so there a lots of chapters to come


	19. Busted

Alex concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. He inhaled once through his nose and exhaled twice, just like he'd been taught to breathe when running long distances. The method was supposed to help oxygenate his body better. It did. It also helped him focus his mind on the rhythm of his breathing instead of thinking about everything he needed to sort out.

He'd only slept for a few hours when his eyes opened at 4:30 a.m. sharp and he couldn't resist the urge to go for a run. He'd been having trouble maintaining his usually tight schedule, something that five months ago wouldn't have been imaginable, and he often found himself delaying his runs, making them shorter or longer depending on the day, and even skipping them all together. He sometimes wondered if that was a sign that he was getting better or if it was the other way around. He'd make sure to ask his therapist about it. There was no way Alex would stop seeing her any time soon as long as life wouldn't stop throwing things at him he wasn't quite capable of handling on his own.

He could remember a time when such a statement wouldn't have even crossed his mind, when he'd protested against the idea of seeing someone to talk about the many issues plaguing his life. He had to admit he still hated going to therapy, but he suspected it had more to do with the fact he needed it than with therapy itself. Save for a couple of really rough sessions, the last one included, he could appreciate how helpful they were.

 _Just another corner_ , he prompted himself. He'd already run beyond his usual stopping point and every time he reached a new corner, he forced himself to keep going.

He wanted to tire himself to the point where even when he stopped, his mind wouldn't immediately go back to his apartment where a certain someone was sleeping on his bed.

He shook his head. Breathe in once, breathe out twice. Again, again and again.

His phone beeped. He decided he couldn't keep postponing the inevitable, he had to go back home at some point. He slowed down to a jog, then to a fast walk to eventually stop and rest his hands on his knees. His body was hot from the exercise but breathing in the chilly air of the early morning wouldn't be any good on his throat. He fished his phone out of his sweater pocket and unlocked the screen.

_*Where are you?*_

It was Ben.

Alex looked at the time and realized he'd been running for almost two hours. That was a new record for him. Normally, by the two hour mark, he'd be walking back home and into the shower. Now he was only just stopping to begin his run back. If he wanted to tire himself, he'd accomplish it.

 _*On my way back now*_ he typed back and took a lungful of air before changing course and running back home.

He was drenching wet when he got there and by the time he entered the apartment, he was shaking from head to toe thanks to his sweat cooling due to the cold temperature outside. He needed a warm shower sooner rather than later.

He ran into Ben walking out the hallway that led to the bedrooms.

"Please tell me you ate something before going to your marathon. Don't think I didn't notice you didn't have dinner last night" Ben said, steering Alex towards the kitchen.

"You know, at some point you're gonna have to let this go" Alex answered but when all he got was a pointed look from the older man, he rolled his eyes with a sigh "Yes, Ben, I ate. I had coffee and a banana, and I was planning on a few toasts for after I showered. Happy?"

"Plenty" he replied, taking out the bread from one of the shelves and turning the toaster on "I'll get started on the toasts" Alex rolled his eyes again but decided not to comment any further on the matter. Instead, he went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, emptying its contents in three long gulps.

It was time to address the matter.

"Did he wake up?" he asked, hoping Ben had checked on Vict when he got out of bed.

"Not yet. He's out like a light" Alex sighed and leaned back against the kitchen counter. Whatever medication they had given him at the hospital must have been pretty strong if it was almost midmorning and Vict had yet to wake up. In fact, looking at the time, he realized they should've woken him at least an hour ago if his calculations were correct.

"He's due another round of painkillers" he said, throwing the water bottle away "Could you wake him up and give it to him? I need a shower"

"He's your boyfriend, not mine. You wake him up" Alex rolled his eyes. Ben could be such a teenager sometimes. He also frowned, because the more he thought about it, the more it stuck with him the idea that there was something about the other boy Ben couldn’t bring himself to accept.

"He's not my boyfriend anymore" the blond answered softly, the words stinging no matter how quiet they were said.

"It sure looked like it to me last night. I mean the way you were cuddling..."

"We weren't cuddling"

"...and it didn't seem like he wanted you out of his sight, don't you think?"

"Ben, what are you doing?" Alex asked with annoyance in his voice. The older man continued though, disregarding how uncomfortable Alex felt.

"You said he hated you but I just don't see—"

"Alright! Fine! I'll wake him. Jeez" Alex grabbed another bottle from the fridge and went to leave the kitchen.

"Al" Ben called at the last moment, his tone back to normal "He's tired and hurting. He doesn't really know me. I just think he'd appreciate it if you're the one who wakes him"

Alex let out a resigned sigh. “I know”

He walked towards his room, stopping short of reaching the door and taking several deep breaths to calm himself down.

He wanted to check on Vict, make sure he was doing better, but he was also afraid to walk into the room and break whatever spell had fallen between them the night before. Vict had been high on painkillers and he'd let himself be vulnerable in front of Alex. The thing was, Alex couldn't be sure the other boy really meant the things he'd said, or if he would remember them at all. If he walked into that room and Vict was back to normal, the wedge between them would be back in place. He also couldn't avoid going in forever.

He opened and closed the door behind him. The room was brightly lit by the sunlight filtering in through the window. When Alex knelt by the side of the bed, he realized Vict's eyes were open, if only half mast, and they were clouded with tiredness. Alex sent him a smile that quickly faded away when the other boy didn't return the gesture. They were off to a bad start.

"Morning" the blond said, kneeling at the side of the bed and resting his elbows on it. Vict just nodded, keeping his eyes cast downward. Alex reached for the pill bottle on his nightstand and took the cap off the wattle bottle he'd brought with him "You have to take one of these, and you should eat something with it" Vict stared at the pill and moved his arm slowly to take it, except his fingers lingered on Alex's, the painkiller held between the tip of their fingers. Alex's heart was jumping in joy. Maybe last night's spell hadn't been broken after all. But then the moment ended when Vict withdrew his hand, tucking his hand, and the pill into his chest. Alex could see the other boy was being careful not to move or jostle his body too much. He offered the water, but the bottle was ignored.

Silence hung between them and Alex didn't know how to break it. Asking _'How are you?_ ' Or _'Are you okay?_ ' felt stupid. He wasn't okay, but he supposed he had to start somewhere.

"Alex" the sound of his name caught him by surprise. Vict's voice was small and when their eyes met, there was something in them that was screaming for help "What am I gonna do?" he whispered, staring at Alex expectantly. The blond gulped. He was supposed to know?

"For starters, you can take your meds" he said, keeping his tone as casual as he could under the circumstances. He thought about how Ben always managed to reassure him when he was feeling down. The older man tended to portray this aura of confidence, always calmed and collected, and that somehow rubbed off on him enough to calm him down too. Maybe he could do the same for Vict "Then you can choose between toasts and cereal, we don't really have that much for breakfast. You should probably get up and move around a little and I suppose you need to use the bathroom" Alex wasn't sure if he managed to reassure the other boy or not, but he was sure the way Vict was frowning at him wasn't a good sign.

"I'm serious" he replied. If there was something Alex didn't like, it was seeing such a joyful boy acting like the world was falling to pieces. He supposed maybe for him, it actually was.

"So am I. You need to rest and take things slowly, so that's what we'll do today" Vict shook his head marginally.

"I need to go home and fix this" he stated. He began to push himself off the bed, his movements uncoordinated and slow. His face folded into a grimace of pain when he tried to raise himself up into a sitting position. Alex quickly stood up and rushed around the bed to offer Vict his help, but as soon as he reached forward, Vict pushed his hand away and insisted on doing it alone. The spell from last night had definitely been broken and Alex's hand stung where Vict had pushed it away. He gulped and took a step back, watching the other boy struggle.

But Vict wasn't making any progress, instead his breathing had become labored and he was losing the little ground he'd gained. He eventually looked up at Alex, his eyes shining with an anguish that cut deep into Alex's heart. This time, when Alex approached the bed and put an arm around Vict's back, the other boy let him. Alex gently pulled him up, coaxing him into letting him do all the work. When Vict was finally sitting up, he hunched over himself but was able to remain sitting unaided. Alex sat in front of him with a leg folded under him and the other one dangling over the edge of the bed.

"The next day is always the worst" he commented, making Vict glance up at him with a nod.

"I need to go home" the other boy repeated, though thankfully he didn't try to move again. Alex took a risk by placing a hand on his knee.

"Here's what we're going to do. You're gonna stay with us today, and tomorrow and the day after that. Yes" he added when Vict began to shake his head "You need to rest and you need to heal. You can do that here"

"I _need_ to go home" Vict said again, stressing the word. Alex got the feeling there was something left unsaid beneath those words.

"We will, once you're better"

"We?" _Busted_ , Alex thought. It was okay though, he didn't need to hide what was running through his mind right now.

"There's no way I'm gonna leave you in a room alone with him" he stated, looking intently at him and squeezing his knee softly. He wasn't sure what the other boy should do next but Alex had vowed to himself last night that he'd do everything in his power to make sure Vict wouldn't get hurt like this again. Vict remained silent, staring intently at him enough to make Alex feel self-conscious about it "Umm, you should take the pill" somehow he'd managed to hold on to the water bottle, so he offered it to the other boy, who drank the water greedily once he popped the pill into his mouth.

Alex withdrew his hand from Vict's knee, sensing the reassuring moment had already ended, and they remained in an uncomfortable silence until Vict cleared his throat and spoke again.

"I can't just hide here and do nothing. I have work and school. Finals are coming up" Alex waved his hand, dismissing the matter.

"Don't worry about work, I can cover your shifts this week. I'm sure Mr. Strauss won't mind" Vict raised an eyebrow.

"You have it all figured out, don't you?" maybe it was Alex's impression, but there was an accusatory tone under Vict's voice.

"I'm just trying to help" Vict stared at him before answering, as if measuring the truth behind his words.

"Fine, I'll call Mr. Strauss and explain" he finally conceded.

"I can do that" Alex offered but thought better of it when the look Vict sent him was enough to murder someone.

" _I'll_ call him" the blond put his hands up in surrender.

"Alright, okay" he said, raising from the bed "Do you need the bathroom? I'm gonna shower" what he wanted to do was get away from the tense atmosphere that had been created inside the room.

He waited until Vict shook his head to grab the first pair of clean clothes he could find and bolt from the room.

When he stepped into the shower, he willed the hot water to wash his nervousness away.

He'd offered Vict to stay with them for the foreseeable future, and he was sure Ben wouldn't say anything against it, but he'd failed to factor in the fact Vict was mad at him and they hadn't been on speaking terms for a while. Last night had been an exception, he concluded while running his fingers through his hair to wash the shampoo out of it. Vict had been hurt and vulnerable, and he'd only turned to Alex out of desperation and convenience. He'd said so himself, his house was close by. But the way Vict had just been talking to him only served to prove what Alex already knew: Vict hated him.

He turned off the shower and took his time drying out. He put on the clothes inside the bathroom, just like he'd done for the past couple of years, not even daring to walk on a towel the short distance between the bathroom and his room even when he was alone at home. He'd never wanted to put too much thought into that, or he'd go nuts with self-blame for not being able to do something so normal. So he'd just accepted it as part of his new routine, of his new life and today wasn't the exception.

By the time he was ready, he could hear voices coming from the kitchen.

Ben and Vict were talking softly around the breakfast table, Vict munching on a toast while Ben drank a cup of coffee. Alex didn't get to hear what they'd been talking about for they'd gone quiet when he sat down at the table with them. Ben pushed a plate towards him and Alex began to quietly spread butter over the bread.

The silence around them was deafening and neither Alex nor Vict were making eye contact with anyone, although Alex could see Ben from the corner of his eye, looking from one boy to the other and shaking his head marginally. He just hoped the older man wouldn't make an embarrassing comment. He didn't.

Alex had been right. Having Vict around was going to be the most uncomfortable experience of his life, yet he couldn't stop the warm feeling that began to spread inside his chest by having the other boy near him again.

He thought about his therapist and what she'd advised him to do. If there was any way to salvage his relationship with Vict, it would be to follow her advise. _What if I tell him?_ Alex risked a glance to the boy sitting in front of him, who was nibling the side of a toast, but the idea quickly evaporated from his mind. Alex was sure that what his therapist thought would salvage the relationship, would actually be the thing that ended it permanently. Of that, Alex had no doubts. There was no way Vict would want to stay with him if he knew what had happened to him. No one would, Alex thought gloomily while he focused his attention back on his plate.

The next few days would prove to be a challenge for them, and today was just the beginning.


	20. B&E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just make sure you make it ‘till the end of the chapter because stuff happens

They made their way silently over to the house. Alex could tell that Vict's ribs still bothered him enough to walk with a hand glued to his side.

It was wednesday and the coast was supposed to be clear.

"What are we going to do? Break and enter?" asked Vict once they reached the doorstep.

"It's not breaking and entering if it's your own house" Alex reasoned, tiptoeing to one of the front windows and peeking inside. They didn't expect Vict's uncle to be home but one can never be too careful.

Alex was supposed to be studying for his finals next week. The new semester started in mid-february and he better passed all the courses of this one if he wanted to start the new semester with a clean bill of grades. He should also be going to practice religiously on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, but during his life there were a lot of things Alex was supposed to do that he never got around to doing. Instead of going to practice this week, he'd covered Vict's shifts at the store every afternoon. It hadn't been too hard to convince Mr. Strauss that Vict had had a bike accident and needed to stay home and rest. Vict had sounded way too convincing over the phone when they'd make the call and Alex had felt a pang of unease when he remembered the times Vict had lied to _him_ about his bruises.

Right now, on this fine wednesday morning, instead of going to class Alex was getting ready to trespass into Vict's house so the other boy could gather a few of his things.

He approached the door and took out a lock picking kit from his pocket. It was Ben's, and the older man had been way too happy to lend it to him for their current mission. Speaking of missions, it was a good thing Ben had kept such a useful item and that Vict hadn't asked where it came from or why they had one. If there had been one, just one perk about being a spy when he was 14 it would be the gadgets Smithers always managed to equip him with.

He began working with the lock picks, turning his hand this way and that way until he found the right twist to open the door with a low sounding click.

"Where did you learn how to do that?" so much for not asking questions about it.

"Ben taught me" Alex said, pushing the door in and gesturing for Vict to walk inside.

"And where did he learn it?"

"The army" he stated simply, hoping the answer would satisfy the other boy. It did.

Once they reached the living room, Alex could tell that any curiosity left about his lock picking skills was the farthest thing on Vict's mind when the other boy stood rooted to the spot watching the cardboard boxes decorating the place.

Most of them where empty, just sitting assembled in one corner, while a few others already contained some objects.

The second night he'd spent at his apartment, Vict had told him what the fight with his uncle had been about. The man had gotten a new job in London and he wanted to move. Vict didn't. Alex thought it was a pretty awful excuse to beat someone up the way his uncle had beaten Vict, not that there was ever a good excuse to do something like that, he reasoned. He walked closer to Vict and put a hand on his shoulder.

"We should hurry" the other boy merely nodded before taking his eyes off the mess of boxes in the living room and walking towards his room. They didn't even bother to take off their coats, since they wouldn't be spending too much time in the house.

According to Vict, his uncle usually left town to work on wednesday and came back sometime during the weekend, but Alex didn't want to risk it. Besides, the place didn't just bring sour memories for Vict, it did for him too.

Alex followed Vict but stopped at the threshold of his room, allowing the other boy some space to decide what things to take with him.

During the past few days, Alex and Vict had been civil enough to each other. They'd talked and eaten together, watched tv and even gone for small walks around the park so Vict could loosen up his sore muscles. The company hadn't been entirely unpleasant, but Alex couldn't kid himself. Every time they were together, there was a huge pink elephant in the room that neither of them felt particularly compelled to address.

Alex watched from his position at the door as Vict took out a duffle bag from his closet and began to rummage through drawers, taking out pairs of socks, shirts, pants and not bothering too much to fold them properly before stuffing them inside the bag.

"Yes, my phone!" he exclaimed when he spotted the device on the bedside table "It's dead" he announced before sliding it into his pocket. He opened the small drawer on the bedside table to grab the charger and put it inside the bag as well. Vict winced when crouching to the floor to pick up a pair of trainers that were scattered around the room.

"Do you need help?" Alex offered.

"I think I've got enough stuff" the other boy answered "Oh, wait!" he'd been starting to make his way out of the room when he remembered his school bag sitting innocently on the desk chair. He filled it with more textbooks and notebooks than the poor material could carry and then he heaved it over his shoulder, hissing when the motion pulled on his injuries.

"All set?" Alex asked when Vict reached him, taking the duffel bag from the other boy and slinging it over his shoulder. Vict didn't complain.

"Yeah, let's go"

They were making their way into the living room when Vict stopped for a minute in front of the family pictures hanging from the walls. He was studying them with something aching to pain in his eyes, so Alex stood back and gave him some privacy. He could imagine this was being really hard on him, but Vict was putting on a brave front. Eventually, the other boy chose to take with him a frame that portrayed a photo of him, his mother and his uncle in front of a Christmas tree. He couldn't have been much older than twelve.

Alex heard it before Vict did. The sound of a key entering a lock, of the front door screeching on its way in and the sound of footsteps about to reach the living room.

Alex turned to Vict, who had finally caught up to what was happening and was staring at the spot his uncle would walk in from at any moment. He’d gone considerably pale.

When the man appeared on the corner, all three parties were shocked enough to remain silent. The man gaping at Vict, Vict staring back dumbfounded and Alex looking between them just waiting for all hell to break lose. He was not expecting the words that came out of the man's mouth though.

"Victor! Thank God! I've been worried sick about you" but Alex didn't even have time to process the fact that the man was showing signs of actual concern, as if he hadn't been the culprit of Vict being away from home, because said man began to walk forward, extending his arms like he was about to give Victor a hug.

"Stay away from him" the blond said dangerously at the same time he put himself between Vict and his uncle, and the other boy took a few steps back instinctively away from his uncle's approach. When Alex felt Vict's hand on his back, squeezing the back of his jacket into a fist, he knew he'd made the right move by shielding him from his uncle. He was just a little thrown at having to shield him from kindness, not violence.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asked, as if noticing Alex's presence for the first time and apparently forgetting that they'd met once before. Alex didn't hesitate on his answer.

"I'm the guy who's gonna break your nose if you ever lay a finger on him again" he said with murder in his tone, something he wasn't above considering if the man made a move against Vict at some point. But his comment was ignored and Vict's uncle focused his attention past Alex, where Vict was still half hidden behind him.

"Are you okay? I was about to call the police if you didn't show up soon. You had me worried" Alex couldn't believe his ears. Vict's hand squeezed his jacket harder, but his voice was steady when he answered.

"If I didn't know you better, I'd actually believe that's true" Alex was impressed, and proud, that Vict seemed to be holding his own against his uncle.

"Listen" the man said, taking a step forward but stopping and going back when both Alex and Vict took a step away from him. He sighed "I know that I was out of line the other night—"

"Out of line?" Alex interrupted, not able to remain silent after a statement like that "That wasn't being merely out of line. He couldn't move for two days! You almost broke his ribs you bast—"

"Alex…" Vict said, making Alex stop and realize he'd taken a step towards the man.

There was a moment of silence before Vict's uncle took in the bags the boys were carrying and asked about them.

"What are you doing?"

"I thought you were out working. I just came to pick up some stuff"

"What for?" Vict's uncle asked, genuinely surprised.

"What do you think?" Vict answered back.

"We move in two weeks" was he really bringing that up now? Alex thought.

"So you're still going" Vict stated with a frown on his face.

" _We_ are still going. You should start packing too"

"I told you I'm not going anywhere"

"We're not going to discuss this again. I already got the job, I have to go" Alex felt somewhat like in the middle of a tennis match, watching the ball being thrown back and forth between the players.

"So say no. Tell them you changed your mind"

"I can't!" even Alex had to jump at the sudden yell, which only made him want to extend his arm and stop Vict from walking any further. The other boy had begun to step around him and make himself more visible.

"You can't or you won't?" Alex had to wonder why was Vict suggesting his uncle to refuse the job and stay. Even if he did, would Vict still want to live with him?

"I won't! Why do I have to keep adjusting my life to you? You're not _my_ son" now, that was a low blow. Alex wasn't sure if he should keep letting the two of them talk or if he should step in at some point and end the discussion.

"Don't worry, you're not gonna have to do it anymore"

"What will you do? Live on your own?" the question was asked with a hint of mockery in it.

"It's what you wanted me to do last week"

"I told you, I was out of line last week. I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry" when Vict's uncle apologized, silence fell upon them. Alex glanced at the other boy with concern, fearing he'd fall for the suspicious apology and forgive the person that barely three days ago had beat him enough to send him to the hospital. But his mind was put at ease when Vict held his ground.

"I'm not going with you"

"Where else are you going to live if not with me?"

"I'll figure it out"

"Come on, your home is with me" the man said, as if he hadn't complained a few minutes ago about having to take care of someone else's son "I promise I'll never do something like that again"

"Like when you promised you'd never hit me again after the first time? When I was sixteen!? Newsflash: you never stopped!" by this point, Vict had dislodged himself from Alex and actually took a step towards his uncle, his own words filled with anger and resentment. Alex took a hold of his arm though, and didn't let him advance any further.

"You're not easy to live with, you know!?" his uncle spat back. That man was one contradiction after another. First he's worried about Vict, happy to see him, then he mocks him, apologizes and yells again. Alex couldn't even imagine what living with someone like that must have been like.

"No one is! But you expected me to be perfect and I tried but I'm not! No one is!" Vict was yelling now too and the conversation was escalating fast.

In the midst of throwing heated words at each other, Vict's uncle got angry enough to advance on them. His intentions were clear from miles away and Vict hurriedly stepped back from him, bumping into Alex who resumed his position between them. He brought his free hand up.

"Don't" was the only thing he said as a warning for the other man to stop. Thankfully, he did. That didn't stop him though from launching a verbal attack against his nephew.

"Oh I know you're not perfect. Far from it, really. You're incapable of following rules, you talk back at me, you defy me. You're a self-absorbed brat that expects me to put your needs above anything else. But your mother wanted you to go to school" the man's tone became higher pitched when he tried to imitate a woman's voice "And get a degree and be the best version of who you could possibly be and I was left alone trying to make all of that happen!" Vict, who had yet to utter a response, flinched when his uncle's voice rose again before looking at their joined arms "And on top of that you're gay!" Alex's focus sharpened at the bitter laugh that followed that statement "You couldn't even turn out to be a normal human being. You think your mom would be proud of that? Maybe it's a good thing she's not around to see who you are"

No one said a thing.

Alex was outraged, how could someone say such horrible things to his own family? His own flesh and blood? This man was crazy, there was no reasoning with him and also no reason for them to keep listening to his hate filled words.

When he turned his head to look at Vict, the other boy had a crestfallen expression on his face. He, too, had been left unable to say anything after the vicious words thrown his way. Alex wasn't going to stand there anymore. He tugged on Vict's arm.

"Come on Vict, let's get out of here. You don't need to listen to this" the other boy complied without uttering a single word.

There was a small space to their left where they could squeeze through without walking too closely to Vict's uncle and reach the door. And they almost did it, but they were already past him when the man moved.

"Where are you going!?"

Alex reacted faster though. He hadn't taken his eyes off the threat and the moment the other man launched himself forward, Alex sidestepped him and grabbed his arm to twist it behind his back. Vict's uncle let out a yell of pain and stood still, understanding that moving would only bring more pain to himself. Alex continued to twist the limb anyway.

"Next time you want to take out your anger on him" Alex snarled, speaking merely centimeters away from the man's ear "Think about this" Alex pulled on the man's wrist, effectively spraining it but refrained from doing anything else when the slamming of the front door caught his attention. He turned around to notice that Vict was gone.

He let go of the cowering man by pushing him deeper inside the house and readjusted Vict's duffle bag on his shoulder before following Vict out the door.

Alex saw Vict walking down the street with a purposeful stride and he quickened his steps to catch up to him although he remained a couple of steps back, sensing the other boy might need some space after what went down with his uncle. And the blond would've liked to give him more time to cool off before asking if he was alright, but when he noticed that Vict hadn't made the turn to head to the park and therefore his building, Alex broke the silence.

"Where are you going?" Vict didn't stop or turn around to answer, he just spoke his reply out loud.

"I'm going to take the fucking bus and I'm gonna get the fuck out of everyone's way" they were already about to leave the park behind and Alex ran the last steps that separated him from Vict in an attempt to stop him from getting any further. The other boy just shrugged his hand off.

"Vict, don't let what he said get to you"

"Why not? It's true, isn't it?" Vict's voice was hard and laced with self-blame.

"You can't listen to the words of a man capable of beating someone like he beat you" Alex tried to reason.

"Yeah, well maybe he was right to do so. That way I could finally get it into my head how really worthless I am" okay, this wasn't working, Alex thought.

"You need to calm down, we should go home and—"

"And you should just leave me alone" and really, Alex knew how much it didn't work to tell someone to calm down when they're agitated.

"Victor, come on. Wherever you wanna go it can wait a little longer. Let's go back to my place, think about this and then if you still wanna go, I'll take you wherever it is you need to go. But you're not taking the bus" at the fast pace they were going, they would reach the next corner within the minute, behind which there was a bus stop waiting. When they finally arrived, Alex was glad to see that there was no one else around.

Suddenly, Vict stopped and turned around making Alex almost collide against him.

"Give me the bag" he said holding his arm out.

"Vict, come on, just let me help you" apparently that wasn't the right thing to say.

"Why the hell are you helping me anyway?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Alex was holding on to the strap of the duffle bag over his shoulder like his life depended on it. As it was, it was the only thing preventing him from Vict disappearing on him.

"You hate me" the other boy deadpanned and made an attempt to take the bag from Alex, but he easily sidestepped him.

"Why would I hate you?" he asked. Did Vict really think that?

"Hell if I know!" Vict tried to reach for the bag again and, again, Alex kept his hold on it, adding to the other boy's frustration.

"Just give me the bag Alex" he said annoyed but the blond ignored him.

"I don't hate you" he responded instead.

"Then why did you go!?" Vict yelled, stopping his attempts to retrieve his bag and staring at Alex as if daring him to tell the truth "I must have done something wrong" he added.

"You didn't do anything wrong"

"You know, denying everything I say doesn't really answer my questions"

"I'm not denying..." he trailed off. Maybe he was. Vict raised an eyebrow.

"It doesn't matter now. I'm gonna go, I'll be out of your life and out of my uncle's life and I won't bother you again"

"You're not bothering me" Alex tried to reassure him, but the other boy didn't want to listen to reason.

"Like hell I'm not!" he began to walk restlessly from one end of the bus stop to the other, just five steps of pure uncontained nervous energy "Apparently no one can stand me. If my own family can't, why would you? All I do is cause problems..." _bam!_ Alex jumped when Vict kicked the side of the bus stop.

"Vict, calm down"

"... and be a burden" _bam!_

"Hey!" Alex was taken aback by the violent display.

"And waste everyone's time!" _bam! Bam!_

"Stop, stop that!" Alex surged forward and tried to keep the other boy from kicking the glass again. He was mindful of his injuries, something Vict himself didn't seem to care much about or wasn't in a state of mind where he could hear himself hiss and gasp every time his foot connected with the structure. Vict pushed him away and Alex decided to keep his distance since the attack on the bus stop was apparently over. He tried to convince the other boy through his words again "Vict, you're not the problem, he is"

"If I'm not a problem then why the hell did you leave me?" Alex was stunned into silence. With his heart already beating wildly in his chest, he swallowed the bout of nausea making his stomach roll. So they were going to talk about the elephant in the room now…

"It had mothing to do with you, I promise"

Vict let out a sarcastic laugh. "Don't lie to me Alex"

"I'm not" he defended himself.

"I should be used to it anyway" the taller boy said, shrugging his shoulders.

"To what?" Vict stared at him for a few seconds before shaking his head.

"Forget it"

"Victor"

"I said forget it! And don't worry, you won't see me again" he resumed his pacing, but instead of turning back on step five, he kept walking away from the bus stop. Away from _him_. And that did it. Alex needed to do something, so in a desperate attempt to stop Vict from walking out of his life forever, he yelled.

"I was raped!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE SAID IT! OMG HE SAID IT!


	21. Miracles don’t exist

_"Forget it"_

_"Victor"_

_"I said forget it! Don't worry, you won't see me again" he resumed his pacing, but instead of turning back on step five, he kept walking away from the bus stop. Away from_ him _. And that did it. Alex needed to do something, so in a desperate attempt to stop Vict from walking out of his life forever, he yelled._

_"I was raped!"_

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._ _. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._

_Thump_. One heartbeat.

 _Thump thump_. Two heartbeats.

 _Thump thump thump_. Three heartbeats.

The words seemed to echo in his head, as if now that he'd said them, he'd never stop hearing them.

_I was raped._

_I was raped._

Alex's eyes were glued to Vict's back that had stiffened as soon as the words had left his mouth. The other boy turned around. Alex couldn't even begin to guess the expression on his face.

"What?" Vict seemed to breathe in the four-letter word with a gasp and exhale another one with the same level of surprise and distress in his voice "What?" Alex was sure he was just asking out of shock. He didn't think he needed to repeat himself.

In a split second, Alex needed to make a decision: he could focus on his own panickily beating heart or he could divert his attention to the stuttered breathing of the boy in front of him, who didn't seem to be able to get enough oxygen into his lungs.

Alex took a tentative step forward.

"Vict?" the boy in question was starting to double over with audible gasps.

"I'm sorry. Shit. Alex, I'm so sorry. I didn't...Holy fu—" he couldn't even finish the sentence. When he dropped his bag and sat down on the curb, Alex didn't hesitate. He launched himself forward and put his hands on Vict's knees.

"Breathe, you need to breathe" tears were beginning to run down the other boy's cheeks.

"I can't" this was the very definition of an anxiety attack. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you saw it, Alex knew a thing or two about them.

"Yes, you can. You just have to focus on my breathing. Come on, breathe in" Alex began to coach Vict on how to slow his breathing down. Vict's chest was heaving with the effort "Breathe out. Again"

After a few minutes of carefully controlled breathing, Vict was able to regain his composure. He ran a hand through his hair several times before resting his forehead on the palm of it.

"Better?" Alex asked, hoping the worst of it was over. Vict just nodded as a response, his eyes glued to the pavement. He sniffled a few times and cleaned any track of tears from his face.

"I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm crying" Alex could guess he'd been just overwhelmed by everything.

"It's okay" they remained in silence after that.

And so, it started, Alex thought. Now the part where there were uncomfortable silences between them had begun, where Vict wouldn't know what to say or he'd just tell him he couldn't deal with something like that and just walk away from him anyway. The only reason Alex had blurted out the truth was because he couldn't keep watching Vict blaming himself for something so completely out of his control. He was already consumed with guilt because of his uncle's words and Alex didn't want him to keep thinking their relationship had ended because of him too. But someone had to break the silence and address the matter, so it might as well be him.

"Alex" Vict beat him to it though, and the blond could only brace himself for whatever came out of Vict's mouth next. He could almost hear it already: the pity, the disgust, the farewell… "I swear, if I had known—"

"I know. You wouldn't have gone out with me in the first place" Alex didn't really want to hear the painful words from him.

"No, that's notc-" but at that moment, the bus appeared around the corner and they had to scramble away from the curb it they didn't want to have their feet crushed, Vict stumbling a bit in the process when the sudden movement pulled on his ribs. The taller boy didn't reach for his bags, instead he looked like he wanted to keep saying whatever it was he'd been about to say. Alex didn't want to talk about it there or now. He signaled the bus.

"Are you gonna go, or are you coming back home with me?" Alex was pretty sure what the answer was going to be, though he was hoping Vict would decide to stay with him at least another couple of days. As it was, he took the duffle bag from his shoulder and handed it out.

"I…" Vict glanced between the bus and Alex. The bus driver was making wide hand gestures for them to hurry up and decide if someone was going to get on the bus or not. Vict's eyes finally settled on Alex "Let's go"

Bags in hand, they began the walk back towards the park that led to Alex's apartment. They both knew they needed to talk, but neither of them said anything on the way, silence being their only companion. Having already laid all the cards on the table, neither Alex nor Vict were quite ready to fully address their issues.

In fact, they avoided speaking altogether for the rest of the day and it would be only at dinner, after Alex came back from covering another shift at the store, that they even glanced at each other again.

"So..." Vict said, calling Alex's and Ben's attention to himself. He was playing with the food on his plate, pushing it around with the fork, obviously still feeling awkward about their situation "I called my friend Leyla earlier and she said I could stay with her until I figure out what to do next" Alex's stomach sank. After everything, he was still gonna go?

"You can stay here too" he said, hoping against hope that Vict would choose what he had to offer instead of going to his friend's. He'd been expecting the head shake though.

"I can't. I've bothered you both enough already"

"It's no bother, I told you"

"I appreciate everything you've done, really" then he directed his next words at Ben, who had yet to utter a single word "I'll be out of your way by tomorrow" there he goes again with the being-out-of-everyone's-way thing.

Alex guessed he should've known that blurting out the real reason they'd broken up wouldn't miraculously fix everything. Alex still wasn't comfortable with close contact, the idea of sex scared him half to death and Vict wasn't even close to solving the problem of his abusive uncle and his living situation. But he'd be damned if he wasn't going to fight now that his secret was out to keep the other boy in his life.

"You can stay here for as long as you need" Alex reiterated himself "Right Ben?" the blond sent the older man a look that conveyed everything the kick on the shin hadn't.

"Sure, you can stay" Ben said with a shrug of his shoulders, his heart not really into the statement, which made it more difficult for Alex to drive his point across. What was it with him? "By now I already have a degree on angsty teenagers anyway"

"Ben!" Alex was dismayed at the finger pointing his way. Is this what it felt like to be embarrassed by your family in front of others?

"What?" Ben defended himself "He laughed" he pointed at Vict and, sure enough, he was trying to suppress a chuckle. Alex felt his cheeks burning up.

"We're _not_ teenagers" he grumbled, stabbing at something in his plate rather brusquely.

"Say that again when you're both 25" Ben commented.

"At least that means I'll get there before you" Vict threw in his own remark and Alex knew he was outnumbered. When the other boy started talking again about leaving the next day, Alex lowered his eyes into his food and focused on finishing dinner around a complete lack of appetite. He hated to eat when he wasn't hungry.

Rapidly feeling like he was losing a battle, Alex decided to drop the subject for now. After all, the day wasn't over and he still had one last card to play.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

After that first night when they'd returned from the hospital, Vict had insisted on sleeping on the couch and give Alex his bed back, but each time the blond had refused.

Now, after all the lights were turned out and everyone was ready to put the day behind them, Alex got enough courage to get up from the couch and approach his room. He wasn't sure what he preferred though, to find Vict awake or not. He wasn't even totally convinced of what he was about to do, but it was his only chance.

He slipped inside the room.

Contrary to him, Vict liked to sleep with the shutters completely opened, so his eyes didn't have to strain much to notice the other boy was in fact very much awake and was regarding him with curiosity. Alex didn't say anything, just closed the door behind him and approached the bed.

He pulled on the covers and snuggled himself on one side of the bed, living a small space between them. Through all his not so stealthy approach, Vict just stared at him, making more room for him and adjusting his position on the bed so he was on his side, facing Alex. The blond had his eyes fixed on the ceiling. After a minute, he was sure his heart would burst out of his chest and he felt about to puke.

"I was on vacation" his voice wasn't strong, or confident, or even steady but if he stopped to consider what he was doing, he'd back out of it on the first step "I'm not a fan of traveling but I agreed to go anyway, so we went to Ukraine. Odd place to vacation, I know" at least his speech wasn't rushed, for now. As images began to play in his mind, he continued to talk "His name is Serhiy. He's a rich, powerful and well-connected man. That's why it took them so long to find me. I literally just bumped into him once and next thing I know, I'm getting kidnapped"

"Alex, you don't have to tell me anything" the other boy interrupted softly, maybe realizing the bitterness and the hurt behind Alex's words. The blond paid him no mind.

"I must have been with him for at least three days, even more. I'm supposed to be good at self-defense, you know? We've trained together. You know. I tried but I couldn't get away from him"

"Seriously, you don't have—"

"I _want_ to tell you" Alex turned his head to fix his gaze on him. The blond's eyes were watery, and he was genuinely surprised to find himself telling Vict everything. Absolutely everything. His voice dropped to a whisper "He did horrible things to me, so many painful things that he made me actually prefer the times he touched me" by now, Vict's eyes were watering too and Alex didn't bother to wipe away the tears running down his own cheeks "He taunted me, he played with me. Then he did it. He ra-raped me and it was painful and ugly a-and, and— shit!" he gasped and stopped talking to try and compose himself because he'd started getting worked up. He looked away from Vict and towards the ceiling again, the safest place he could find. He ran a hand through his hair until he finally calmed down a bit "I couldn't let anyone near me for a long time after that. I couldn't stand people touching me, hugging me. It took me a long time to be okay with that again and I'm still not comfortable with it" Alex summoned the courage to look back down "I don't like people touching me, except for you. After that, I swore to myself I'd never let anyone get that close to me again. I didn't think I'd ever have any... desires for anyone and I freaked out. I mean, before you, before Ukraine, before everything, I didn't even know I was... I didn't even know I was gay. But I am, and I like you, I _want_ you but I don't know how to deal with that. So me breaking up with you wasn't your fault, it was mine"

They remained in silence for a long while, Alex working on steadying his breathing and Vict trying to digest everything he'd just heard.

"How long ago?" Vict whispered eventually, as if afraid to speak any louder.

"Two years this summer" it was such a long time ago, and yet again, so recent.

"I'm so sorry about what happened to you. But it wasn't your fault, you realize that, don't you? Something like that should never have happened in the first place"

"But it did, and I'll understand if you never want to see me again. I just didn't want you to keep blaming yourself for how things ended between us" Alex was being as honest as he could be. He didn't want Vict to hate him, to leave him, but he would understand if he did. It was only natural. Vict shook his head and placed a hand on his shoulder, startling Alex into looking him straight in the eyes.

"If it wasn't my fault, then it wasn't yours either. I just wish I'd known so I could've been more careful"

"When we tried to be together, the night I passed out, I panicked. I knew we could never be together if I couldn't let you touch me. That's why I broke up with you, that's why I left" through the last few words, Alex had turned on his side so now they were facing each other and he sought the hand Vict had put on his shoulder to intertwine their fingers and squeeze his hand.

"I wouldn't have minded" Vict said softly, squeezing his hand back.

"You say that now, but you shouldn't have to put up with this" Alex was determined to show Vict exactly how much he couldn't expect him to deal with all of this on top of his own problems.

"If I had told you about my uncle earlier, what would you have done?" Alex was taken aback by the question. For how panicked Vict had been that morning when they'd left his house, he was now the calming influence over Alex's uncontrolled emotions. He gave Vict a blank stare before answering.

"I would've helped you through it"

"Well... likewise. Alex, I would've helped you through it too" Alex's eyes flooded again with a renewed bout of tears and it was hard for him to find his words again.

"I... I just... I wish—" he stuttered.

"What? What do you want Alex?" the other boy was being so understanding, so caring, that Alex felt like someone had his heart in a fierce grip and was squeezing for all he was worth.

"I just don't want there to be any more pain" he finally let out in one long breath before gasping several times in an attempt to lock the sobs threatening to spill over. He couldn't.

"Come here" Vict moved closer to him and taking his words as an invitation, Alex freed his hand in favor of putting an arm around the other boy's back and drawing himself closer to him. He buried his face in his chest, mindful not to press any sore spots and just let himself enjoy the painfully comforting embrace.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm usually not like this, I'm sorry" he said in between quiet sobs while Vict rubbed a hand on his shoulder. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Vict made one of his sarcastic remarks.

"I told you this was better than hugging a pillow" he got the desired effect and Alex let out a chuckle in between sniffles.

"I don't deserve you" Alex murmured after a while, when he'd calmed down enough to breathe normally again.

"That's my call to make, not yours"

"And what are we going to do now?"

"First, we're gonna go to sleep. Then, tomorrow we'll have breakfast: toasts or cereal, you really don't have much of anything else" Alex laughed out loud at Vict's choice of words "And then we'll see. Are you good with that?"

Alex hugged himself closer to Vict, realizing how much he'd missed the contact and he nodded his head against his chest. Yes, he was okay with that.

When his body finally began to relax, Alex found himself nodding off with his head on the pillow and his arms wrapped securely around Vict, who still held him with the same amount of care one would use when dealing with a fragile vase.

They fell asleep like that, and they both slept soundly maybe for the first time that week.

They still needed to talk about many, many more things, but at least Alex had gotten a few of the rather important ones off his chest. This wasn't a miraculous recovery, but maybe they were well on their way there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was all about the comfort and none about the hurt. Did you guys like it? I hope you did... it’s getting late on my side of the globe, so I’ll leave the rest for tomorrow.  
> See you soon!


	22. You’re not kidding me, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d liked to thank everyone who has commented on this story. Your words encourage me to keep working on the series and they put a smile on my face. So thank you!

Vict ended up leaving Friday night, but Alex was okay with it this time around.

Despite the blond's assurances, Vict had insisted that he wouldn't live another week with them and that his friend Leyla had more than enough space to accommodate him until he found a solution to his problems.

For the first time in a week, that day Alex went running again, only this time it was almost midnight instead of 5:00 in the morning. He'd just come back from dropping Vict off at his friend's house and he'd felt the itch to exercise his nerves out.

For someone who didn't like change very much, his life had been in constant motion lately. Schedules and activities had been affected, his sleep cycles were all over the place and his thoughts bombarded him so often it was weird when he didn't have a headache. Let's not even talk about his emotions.

He was able to go from zero to a hundred miles an hour when it came to them. One minute he was all depressed, remembering his life before and during the intrusion of MI6 into it, then he'd be over the moon by Vict's presence and the way they were able to talk again like they used to when they met, like friends. But just when he was feeling joyful enough, a nightmare would make him want to crawl out of his own skin and then he'd go right back to stage one. And all of that just in a matter of days! Yeah, he definitely needed a run.

A smile crept up his lips when he remembered his lastest conversation with Vict, barely an hour ago.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_"Promise me you won't disappear. That I won't just drop you off and never hear from you again" Alex asked, taking his eyes off the road and risking a glance at the passenger seat._

_"And you used to think I watched too many movies" Vict answered, cracking a smile. That smile that Alex had missed so, so much._

_"You know what I mean" the blond replied with an eyeroll, focusing once more on the road._

_"I hear you. I won't disappear. I mean, I have my phone back and you'll know where I'll be" Alex merely nodded. He didn't want Vict to pick up on how much it unnerved him to be separated from him again._

_~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~_

The last few days had been kind of a truce between them, ever since Wednesday night when they'd had the heart to heart about Alex's past. Things weren't back to the way they used to be before the whole mess started though. In fact, they hadn't even discussed getting back together. They'd just kind of let things follow their course, content for the moment with knowing the truth about themselves and letting go of any ill-feelings they might have developed given the way things had ended between them.

Alex was positive that Vict had forgiven him for ending the relationship the way he had. He recalled another moment of the previous hour, when he and Vict had arrived at Leyla's house and the girl had been waiting outside, an eyebrow raised and her hands held firmly at her side, refusing to meet Alex's handshake.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_"Nice to meet you" Alex was the first to offer a greeting, sensing that Vict's friend wasn't all that thrilled to meet him._

_"I wish I could say the same" at least hostility was one emotion the blond didn't have trouble identifying._

_"Leyla!" Vict jumped at his friend's less than… friendly remark. She didn't listen to him though, and kept her eyes trained on Alex._

_"We didn't go out once, you know? Not once during the holidays. He was so down he wouldn't even get out_ _—_ _"_

_"Leyla" the warning under Vict's tone was unmistakable, not that Alex blamed the girl for laying it out to him.  
_  
 _Alex w_ _asn’t_ _invited inside,_ _that much had been expected,_ _so he just w_ _ent_ _back to the car with Vict to retrieve his bags and the boys said their goodbyes a few feet away from the angry best friend still glaring daggers at him._

 _They_ _stood there, reluctant to actually walk away and looking for any excuse to keep the conversation going._

_"This Christmas ended up sucking big time" Alex said, remembering his own awful time at Evelyn's place after hearing Leyla say that Vict hadn't even gone out with her during the time. It wasn't lost on him the irony of having talked about it merely days before the hospital, when Vict had told him he was looking forward to the celebrations that year. Vict shrugged his shoulders._

_"It happened. Nothing we can do about it now. I'll talk to her, don't worry, she'll come around" the chilly temperature was making them shiver no matter how protected they were against the weather, but they remained where they were "I'll go back to work on Monday, you don't need to keep covering for me"_

_"Are you sure?" Alex studied Vict's face. It had been one week since the beating, yet the bruises still showed, making his eye, cheek and lip stand out. The bruises weren't the angry red and purple they used to be_ _though_ _. After a week, they'd turned yellow-ish, which indicated that they would soon begin to fade, but they were there, nevertheless._

_"You have to go back to practice and I need to go back to my life. I haven't even gone to school because of this" he signaled his torso, indicating his hurt ribs. Those would take a little bit more time to heal._

_"I can still help out. Work around football" Vict was right, of course. He couldn't pretend to be sick forever to avoid going to practice. As it was, he was pretty sure the coach was going to bench him during their next game for not having trained since before Christmas break, something he couldn't allow to happen too often. Still, he didn't like the idea of Vict putting any strain on his injuries._

_"We'll see" was all the other boy said._

_~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~_ _  
_  
They'd eventually had to go their separate ways when Leyla began complaining about the cold and how late it was. Alex was pretty sure she just wanted him to leave.

And so their separate ways they went with only a nod from each part to acknowledge the goodbye. They didn't hug or even shook hands because they still weren't too sure of where they stood in their relationship. Their ended-but-not-so-quite-now relationship. It was confusing to say the least, and they were gonna have to talk about that eventually.

Monday came two days later and, with it, Alex's routine went back to as normal as it could be, school and football occupying the majority of his time. He was going to have to find something else to avoid having so much free time now that he wasn't working at the store. As it was, he went running again that night. Even if he was tired from his first practice of the year, he was finding his late night runs actually helped keep the nightmares at bay.

Alex had given much thought to the matter and decided he wouldn't ask for his job back at the store, not even now that he and Vict were on good terms. He just didn't feel like it was the right thing to do. Who knew, maybe he'd find another part time job on the weekends. The only problem with that would be getting Ben on board with the idea. Lately the older manseemed more than overprotective.

Ben had been acting weird for some time now. He hadn't stopped pestering him about his health since the hospital trip the day before Christmas, and he'd become his number one supporter in encouraging more time to study for his finals which were next week. But, other than that, he'd been pretty distant, more sarcastic, cynical and short tempered than Alex had ever seen him, and he couldn't help but thinking that the odd behavior had something to do with Vict.

Thinking about the other boy again and getting closer to the park they used to share, made an unbelievable urge to see him appear in his gut. He slowed down his jog and walked the rest of the way there to cool off.

Having Vict living temporarily with his best friend made it impossible for the other boy to join him at the park in a spur of the moment, which was how their meetings at that particular place usually happened. With barely two words on a text message, they could always summon the other and meet in under 5 minutes. Alex sighed and sat on a bench. He couldn't stay more than a few minutes himself or he risked freezing on the spot.

He took out his cellphone.

 _*How did it go today?*_ he asked, knowing Vict had gotten off his first day back at work around 9 p.m. His phone beeped with a response.

_*Okay. I'm tired, though*_

_*Your ribs?*_

_*They're fine*_ Alex could just read the exasperation through the words. He chuckled, and then sighed. How he wished they could talk in person.

He couldn't kid himself. Every day that went by since he confessed the truth to him, Alex had been hoping things would work out between them again, but he wasn't sure that's what the other boy wanted, or at least he hadn't given any indication, and that hurt Alex more than he cared to admit. He was starting to think that being close again but not together was even harder than being completely apart at all.

With a heavy sigh and another text message, Alex got up from the bench and walked back home. If he wanted to spend more time with Vict, if he wanted to win him back, he was gonna have to work for it, much like the other boy had worked to get under his skin when they first met, and when Alex Daniels set his mind into something, he'd do anything in his power to get it, or _him_ in this case.

The next day, Alex was making dinner when he noticed the time. Since he didn't have to go to work anymore, Ben arrived home after him and according to the house rules, dinner was on him. If he had been working at the shop, he'd still have half an hour before closing and coming back home, which meant Vict still had half an hour of work to do.

His mind went back to his thoughts of the previous night while he considered what he could do to ease his way into Vict's heart again. He looked at his watch again. _If Ben would just_ … the door to the apartment swung open and the sound of keys hitting the silver plate on the coffee table reached his ears. _Bingo!_

Alex washed his hands before sprinting to his room to put on his shoes. He talked his way into a rushed apology for not finishing dinner and taking off so suddenly with the car keys, but if he left now, he'd be able to catch Vict before he left the store. He left so quickly he didn't get to see the disapproving frown on Ben's face.

The drive to the store wasn't long enough to warrant even turning on the radio, but he did have to drive several times around the block to find a parking space near the store. By the time he found it, he could see the different stores around the sports shop already turning their lights off.

He got out of the car and tugged the collar of his coat closer to his neck. They were probably in one of the coldest months of the year. And yet, his palms were sweating and his heart rate was accelerated. He realized he was nervous, though not about-to-pass-out-nervous, thank God, but just excitedly nervous, much like the first few times they'd gone out after their first kiss.

When he saw Vict walking out the glass doors, he had to gulp and count to three before lifting his arm and waving to call his attention. When Vict noticed him, he could tell the other boy was surprised to see him.

"Hey" Vict greeted him upon reaching him. Alex was leaning against the hood of the car.

"Hi" at least Alex could tell that Vict sounded pleasantly surprised. And apart from the tone of his voice, Alex had been graced with one small but sincere smile.

"What are you doing here?" the other boy asked before a mischievous glint entered his eyes "You're stalking me now?" Alex snorted.

"I'm not the stalker one of the two" he replied with a hint of mockery in his voice. He still wasn't sure how to talk with Vict, but he thought that jokes and slight banter was familiar territory, _safe_ territory.

"Uh-huh" Vict was trying to suppress a smile, then he eyed the car before turning questioning eyes at him.

"I just thought you'd need a ride home" Vict's face instantly fell and a darkness Alex wasn't used to seeing in the other boy's eyes made him gulp and think about what he'd just said.

"Home..." Vict seemed to savor the words with distaste " _Whose_ home?"

"Shit, I'm sorry. It was an expression, I didn't think—" Vict waved a hand at him dismissively and started for the passenger seat.

"I get it, Alex. Let's go. At least you'll save me the taxi tonight"

Just like that, they went back to being silent and awkward. _Way to go, Alex_. He berated himself.

Alex sighed and got into the car. He remembered the way to Leyla's place from friday night, so he didn't need to ask for directions. How else to make conversation then?

He remembered how easy it used to be, how many hours they spent at the park or at the phone talking about every little thing that crossed their minds. One particular conversation brought a smile to his face because it had been so trivial he couldn't even believe they'd talked about it at all. Although knowing Vict's obsession with movies, it really hadn't been that much of a novelty.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_"Okay, okay, I know! Your favorite Harry Potter movie?" Vict asked excited at having found something else to talk about. They'd been at the park for at least two hours already and they'd covered subjects from school to sports and everything in between._

_"Seriously?" Alex asked looking up from his position on the ground. His head was resting on Vict's lap while the other boy's back rested against a tree._

_"Yes, seriously"_

_"Ummm, I don't know. The third one's p_ _retty_ _cool" he answered, not having_ _really_ _thought about it before._

_"I particularly like the fourth one, what with all those challenges" Alex had to strain to remember which movie the other boy was talking about. Then he had to admit that he was getting engrossed in the conversation. He'd talk about anything if it meant keeping Vict's hand where it was, playing with his hair. He was cold, but he wouldn't suggest they go home yet._

_"The tournament was cool but you have to admit traveling back in time is better" he countered Vict's logic, he himself playing with the fabric of Vict's sweater._

_"You've got a point there. Oh, what I wouldn't give to change a few things of my past" the blond thought the statement odd, not because of the statement itself, but because Vict's words sounded heavier than they should._

_"What house would you be in?" he asked, wanting to bring the conversation back to something lighter. Vict smirked at the question._

_"What house do you think I'd be in?" the blond took his time to answer._

_"Hufflepuff?"_

_"At least cheating on you isn't something you'll have to worry about. What about you?"_

_"Now it's your turn to say" Alex said with a nudge. Vict didn't take as long to answer._

_"I think you're definitely a Ravenclaw"_

_"Are you saying I'm a nerd?" he really enjoyed faking arguments like this with him._

_"I'm saying you're clever"_

_"Yeah, I think you just insulted me"_

_"I didn't! Being smart doesn't make you a nerd" Alex laughed_ _and ventured another question._

_"What do you think your patronus would look like?"_

_~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~_ _  
_  
Yes, they'd always been good at talking about nothing important. In fact, it wasn't until last week that they'd had any kind of deep and meaningful conversations. Vict's beating, Alex's abuse... How to find some middle ground?

"What's up with you?" Vict's voice startled him out of his thoughts. He took his eyes off the road for a second to glance at him before settling them back on it.

"Umm, nothing. Just school stuff" Alex internally reprimanded himself for falling back to their apparent default setting: avoiding important subjects. He was smart enough to recognize that not saying what he really felt was a huge part of the problems they'd had. If he didn't want to fall back into old habits, he was gonna have to do things differently this time around.

He took a turn to the left and ran a hand through his hair before breathing deeply once and steeling himself to say what was actually on his mind.

"Vict, I miss—" the sound of Vict's phone going off made him stop mid-sentence. The older boy fished his phone quickly from the pocket of his jeans and frowned at the screen.

"Hello?... Yes, it's me” Alex couldn't help taking his eyes off the road to look at Vict when the next words left his mouth "What is it? What happened?" Vict sounded alarmed for a moment before his shoulders slumped in relief. It looked like whatever had happened wasn't that bad.

Alex continued to listen to the one sided conversation, wondering what could possibly be making Vict's voice go from suspicious to unconvinced to totally shocked in the space of a few minutes.

"Uh-huh… No… Are you serious?... You're not kidding me, right?" it was Alex's turn to frown at that one "Tomorrow?... And you're sure?... Okay, yeah" he ended the call.

Silence reigned in the car. Alex waited all but two heartbeats to question Vict about the call.

"Everything okay?" but the other boy seemed frozen in place, still holding the phone in front of his face "Vict, what is it?"

"That was my uncle's lawyer" Alex's blood ran cold. _What the hell?_

"What did he want? He's not suing you for anything, is he? He can't do that!" as if Vict didn't have enough stuff to deal with regarding his uncle, _that incredible piece of_ _—_

"He said the house is mine"

"Huh?" Alex was dumbfounded.

"My mother…" Vict looked like he was on a trance but at Alex's insistence, he shook himself out of it "Turns out she left the house to me, just me. I'm off age now, my uncle doesn't have any legal claim over it" it didn't take long for Alex to understand the consequences of that fact.

"He can't sell the house then, because it's yours" Vict confirmed the statement with a nod.

"The place is even completely payed for. My mother finished paying for it before she died"

"That's great! Wait…" Alex thought better of it "Does that mean he's staying?" a wave of fear suddenly hit him. Vict shook his head though.

"He's already taken the job. He leaves at the end of the week" Alex didn't like the tone of Vict's voice.

"Why aren't you happy about this?"

"I have a house" the other boy answered instead, not quite able to believe his own words. Alex held his hand out signaling what he’d just said.

"Exactly. You can go back home now" he was not prepared for the sudden hardness of Vict's voice and the question that followed.

"Do you have any idea what this means?" Alex wisely remained silent, focused on driving "That he's been lying to me for years! Always talking about how he was the one who paid the house, who paid for everything. I was so stupid!"

Alex didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. Vict turned to look out the window.

  
Thankfully, they were getting closer to Leyla's house and Alex knew they'd have to break their silence to at least say goodbye. He found a place where he could leave the car a little bit out of the way but he wouldn't be able to leave it there. It looked like tonight wasn't the night to talk.

"I have practice tomorrow, I can't pick you up" the other boy looked as annoyed as he'd ever seen him, except for the day they'd had to confront his uncle.

"I'll manage. Thanks" was all he said before reaching for the door handle and getting out of the car. Alex cursed and undid his seatbelt. He hurried out as well.

"Vict, wait!" the other boy had already walked a few feet towards the house.

"What? Listen, Alex, thank you for the ride but I'm really not in the mood right now" Alex felt discouraged, he should back out and let the other boy be, but he had promised himself he wouldn't run from uncomfortable situations anymore.

"Can't we just talk about it?" he asked. Vict huffed and turned around.

"Talk about what, Alex? How stupid I've been? How my uncle managed to dictate every aspect of my life? How I was too coward to stand up to him and ended up in an abusive relationship for almost five years? Let's talk about it: I have no family, no real home. I feel like I'm in everyone's way because I'm not strong enough to be by myself. I have a freaking house now, a house where there's nothing but bad memories in it. I don't have anything else" at the end of his speech all anger seemed to leave him to be replaced with a weariness Alex had only seen the day after Vict's visit to the hospital. Alex walked closer to him.

"That's not true. You have me" he said with a certainty he hadn't felt in a very long time. Vict's expression looked pained though.

"Why would you want to be with me?" he asked and Alex simply could not believe his ears.

"And why would _you_ want to be with _me_?" he asked back, still sure that if someone didn't deserve the other one's affection, it was him "Unless... you don't want to?" Alex held his breath waiting for an answer.

"Of course I want to!" he breathed a sigh of relief and his heart soared.

"Then why aren't we?" he dared ask but was met with silence, the other boy just staring at him as if at a loss for words. Alex held on to the courage that seemed to be seeping through him "I wish things could go back to the way they were, but I know they can't. Too many things are different now but..." Alex dared to take the remaining steps that separated them and the boys stood in front of each other "That doesn't mean we can't try it again, right?" his heart was beating rapidly inside his chest. He'd laid his soul out there while he waited for a response. If Vict said no, he didn't know what else he could do.

Then Vict was the one who stepped closer and brought his hand to the back of Alex's neck. The blond's nerves were tingling.

"Can I kiss you?" Vict asked, making slow circle like motions with his thumb on his neck. Alex gulped and breathed out.

"You don't need permission" he said, already leaning forward but Vict's next words made him stop and stare at him as if he was seeing him for the first time.

"Everyone should need permission"

Alex just went for it. He jumped up to crash his lips against Vict's and the taller boy had to hold him and steady them, not once breaking the contact of their lips. It had been so long since they'd last kissed that Alex didn't dare break the moment to breathe some air into his lungs, lest the moment end. When he felt Vict pulling away, he deepened the kiss even more for a few more seconds before allowing the other boy to move back. They were both panting heavily. Alex was the firstone to speak.

"I missed you" finally he could let out the words. Vict stole a few kisses from him and leaned his forehead into his.

"Not more than I did" Alex laughed.

"That has to be the cheesiest line ever"

"Guilty as charged" they kissed again.

Alex kept half an eye on the car. He really shouldn't have left it in that spot but he couldn't bring himself to care all that much. As long as nobody asked him to move it, he wouldn't.

"Can I ask you something?" Alex murmured after a while.

"Mmm" the blond hoped his question wouldn't temper with their mood.

"Why did you stay with him? Why didn't you leave?" Vict looked at him for a long minute before answering.

"It's not like I didn't know what was going on" he said with a shrug of his shoulders "But he was still my uncle and anything was better than being alone I guess... I don't know" he averted his eyes then, but Alex reached with his hand to tug at his chin and bring his gaze back to him.

"Not when that something is dangerous. Not when you're getting hurt" his mind went back to the time he was still under the influence of MI6, getting hurt left and right for the sake of the greater good... he should've walked away then.

"He wasn't always like that and not all the time either. I'm not making excuses for him" Vict hurried to add when Alex sent him a disbelieving look "I guess the hardest part was realizing that I lived for the moments he would act like he still loved me" Alex recalled the way Vict's uncle sent such contradictory messages to him: concern, anger, regret, more anger. He shook his head.

"Love isn't supposed to hurt like that" he said softly, taking a page of Vict's own book and placing a hand at the back of his neck.

"I think love hurts in anyway" and Alex could just hear everything the other boy wasn't saying with that statement: that he understood why Alex had done what he did but that he'd hurt him either way. That relationships aren't easy and that they would maybe hurt each other more than just this once. But Alex could also detect the hope that if they were on the same page about it, they could make their relationship work this time around. Alex pulled the taller boy into a bone-crushing embrace.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Vict hugged him back and they remained like that for a while.

Eventualy they had to go their separate ways, so Alex walked back to the car.

"What happens tomorrow?" he asked, bringing up the phone call with that lawyer when Vict didn't immediately catch on to his question.

"He wants to meet at noon to explain everything about the house, my rights, responsibilities..."

"Do you want me to go with you?” Vict couldn't hide his relief even if he wanted to.

"Would you?" Alex smiled.

"I'll meet you there after school"

"Alright" Alex stared after the brightest smile Vict had given him since their breakup before getting into the car and driving away.

A giddy laugh broke out of him when replaying the night events in his head. They could do this. He was confident things would work out between them again. He was so happy he didn't give much thought to that nagging feeling at the back of his head that asked him how much did he think they were gonna last this time. How long till the next catastrophe strikedin Alex Daniel's life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not a fan of this chapter except for the fact our babies got officially back together, but now that we’ve lived through it, let’s focus on the next one, which is the most important chapter of the whole story!  
> Are you ready for it?


	23. I am relaxed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it people! The chapter we’ve all been waiting for.  
> WARNINGS: this chapter is explicit, so you know what you're getting yourself into.   
> I just hope you guys like it. Let me know in a comment? I remember spending about two weeks writing this chapter because I wanted it to be perfect. I’m not sure how much of that I accomplished but I like it either way.  
> Enjoy!

As Alex had foreseen, he didn't go out into the field that morning. His team was playing the first game of the year and Alex had been benched during the whole event. He didn't even get to go in for five minutes.

They'd won anyway, but it still stung to be left out of the game. He couldn't be mad at the coach, though, not entirely. He'd missed practice too much while covering for Vict at the store.

Speaking of whom, he should probably tell Ben about that night.

They were having lunch at their usual restaurant, maintaining the tradition of celebrating a win even though Alex hadn't played. He cleared his throat.

"I'm... I'm gonna stay at Vict's tonight" he let out into the so far comfortable silence around the table. Ben looked up from his plate.

"I thought he was staying at his friend's?"

"He goes back home today. I'll help him settle back in" they fell into silence again and, again, Alex was struck by the same feeling he got whenever they talked about Vict: that Ben wasn't too fond of the other boy. He'd had to find the right oportunity to ask Ben about it. Today wasn't that day, though.

"Are you sure it's a good idea?"

"Umm yeah, I'm just helping him move back in"

"And you're sure you're up to it?" Alex realized they'd changed the topic of conversation. He swallowed around a wave of embarrassment.

"I'll be okay this time" Ben turned deadly serious eyes on him.

"If you want me to come pick you up, at any time, just call me okay? Don't push yourself" Alex internally groaned.

"You know, it's really, really awkward to talk about this with you" he tried for levity, seeing as their lunch conversation was taking such a dramatic turn. Ben didn't falter.

"I mean it Alex" not for the first time the blond was amazed at the amount of concern for him the man sitting in front of him was capable of. Concern for his health, his life. His happiness. Luck was something Alex Rider had never really had in life, but maybe Alex Daniels had gotten a different cut out of life. He knew he was lucky to be alive right now. He was lucky to have a future shaping up in front of him. But one of the things he'd gotten most lucky about, was in the chance to have another family, one that started the moment Ben Daniels became his brother.

"I know Ben. I will"

With that matter settled, they continued to enjoy the early afternoon.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex put a hand on Vict's shoulder encouraging him to open the door.

The other boy had been unusually quiet on their way from Leyla's house, settling with just holding Alex's hand during the drive.

They'd parked Ben's car close to their building and then walked the distance to Vict's new-old house.

Even Alex could feel the emptiness of the place when they walked in. Almost everything was gone. Most of the furniture and home appliances, the pictures and decorations. Everything that was supposed to be Vict's.

"It's okay. I let him take them" Vict answered when the blond asked about it "I don't really need that much stuff"

They went to Vict's room and Alex felt like they'd stepped into a different dimension: everything was there, unlike the rest of the house, even the scattered clothes on the floor. At least his uncle hadn't taken any of his personal things.

There wasn't that much to do in terms of settling back in. Vict only had a bag full of the things he'd managed to stuff in it the last time he'd seen his uncle. The man hadn't stuck around much after that day and Vict hadn't gone out of his way to see him. All the dealings concerning the house were made directly through the laywer that had called him earlier that week.

Alex helped Vict straighten out his room before both boys slumped on the couch. At least his uncle hadn't taken that too.

"I think I'm gonna sell it" Vict said after a while of staring at the ceiling.

"The house?"

"Yeah. It's too big for me and I'm not exactly fond of it" he explained, to which Alex frowned in confusion.

"What about your mother?" he didn't want to bring bad memories to the front, but Vict was talking about getting rid of the place he'd grew up in with his mother. The other boy shrugged.

"She's not here anymore. She hasn't been for a long time and living here isn't gonna change that" Alex swallowed.

"I'm sorry" he really was, not for bringing up the subject, but because of the situation Vict was currently living through "What will you do?" if there was something Alex could appreciate about the house, it was how close to his own place was.

"I'm thinking about buying something much, much smaller. A one bedroom thing. The laywer gave me the numbers: with how much this house is worth, I can get a place of my own and have enough money to pay for my last year at school. I'll keep working, of course, but it's not like I'm in dire need"

"Sounds like a plan" Alex agreed. He'd support Vict however way he could. He turned his head to stare at him when Vict started laughing.

"We can't even watch tv" he signaled the empty spot in front of the couch where a television used to be. Alex took that as his opportunity.

"That's okay. I can think of other ways to pass the time" his heart started to beat wildly inside his chest. Vict glanced at him.

"Oh... you can?" the other boy asked with raised eyebrows.

"Uh-huh" he nodded and then gathered his courage.

Alex turned around and flung one leg over Vict so he was now straddling the other boy's lap.

"Does this hurt your ribs?" he asked, his lips mere inches from the smile in front of him. Vict's injuries had almost healed during the past few weeks, the bruises on his face now merely a yellow shadow you would miss if you didn't stare for too long.

"Not at all" Alex pressed his lips forward into his just for a second, their eyes never straying off each other. He continued to do the same, moving his lips milimeters at a time so that eventually he was kissing Vict's cheek and down towards his neck. The other boy rested his head back against the couch, giving him enough space to explore.

After a while, his wandering lips made their way back up to the awaiting mouth and they fell into a slow rhythm that only increased when Alex wanted it to increase. Vict was letting him control the situation and that, more than anything, gave him the courage to keep going.

Feeling incredibly bold, Alex buckled his hips forward, the surprising but not totally unexpected feel of Vict's hard on against his steadily growing one making both boys gasp.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Vict's voice was low and laced with something Alex was usually scared off: lust. This time, it just encouraged him. He was also sounding a little breathless "There's no rush now. We can go as far as you can"

"I'm sure" Alex's voice was as steady as his resolve. Vict brought his hands from Alex's hips to his stomach and began roaming the skin under the shirt, the feeling of fingers running over his skin sending small tremors through his spine. For a change, though, Vict was the one who looked uncertain under the circumstances.

"Can I take this off?" Alex's heart soared with every question the other boy asked him. He hadn't been kidding the other night; to him, Vict didn't need permission to kiss him or touch him but to have him asking either way made Alex feel taken care of. He nodded his consent.

The other boy slowly pushed up the shirt until it flew to the floor in front of the couch and Alex felt goosebumps on his skin. He unconsciously leaned back and put his arms around himself, maybe looking for protection against the world, but Vict carefully grasped his wrists and pushed his arms away to stare at him.

Alex hadn't let anyone see him naked since the whole ordeal in Kiev, not even Ben had seen him without a shirt on during the time since the assault. It was safe to say that he was blushing something fierce and when Vict put his hand flat against his middle, he jumped almost ten feet.

Vict was roaming his eyes all over his body and that was all Alex could do not to get up and run from him. Vict's gaze got stuck for more than a few seconds at the bullet wound scar on his chest and when their eyes met next, Alex shook his head, asking— _begging_ Vict not to ask anything about it.

"You're so damn hot" Vict breathed out, a joyful spark lighting up his eyes and Alex let out a laugh, leaning back in for another kiss.

Vict's hands kept moving, never stopping for more than two seconds to admire a particular patch of skin. Alex had to consciously hold back a flinch every time Vict's fingers grazed one of his scars. He had many: knife wounds, electrical burn marks, bullet grazes… the list was endless, but thankfully Vict seemed to understand that this wasn't the time to talk about them. Alex was also mesmerized to notice the other boy wasn't recoiling from them. It was like he just accepted them as part of the deal. Alex let himself get lost in the sensation of another person's hands on his body. Admiring, not hurting.

He found himself reaching for the hem of Vict's shirt and soon enough the piece of garment went flying away too. It wasn't the first time he saw Vict's chest bare, not even the first time he touched it, but it was the first time the skin of his own chest came into contact with it and the butterflies already dancing around in his stomach began to do so drunkenly. That, combined with the breathlessness from kissing way more than not, made Alex dismayed at noticing he was starting to feel dizzy.

Their hips hadn't stopped moving. In fact, they began to rub faster against each other and their erections were now more than visible through their jeans. The next time they broke apart for air, Vict put a hand at the back of Alex's neck.

"If we're gonna do this..." he began, trying to catch his breath "If you don't want me inside you that's okay. You can be the one to... I wouldn't mind. You can be on top" he assured him and the blond had to swallow around a sudden rush of adrenalin before answering.

"No" he said and stole a quick kiss from Vict "I want you to change it"

"What's that?"

"The way I feel about sex. I want you to help me enjoy it" he said sincerely, one hand framing the other boy's face. He was rewarded with a strong buckle from beneath him that made him gasp unexpectedly.

"I'll do my best" the other boy promised. Alex smiled and let out a nervous chuckle "But if you're gonna pass out on me you better do it afterwards!" Vict added in the way only he could joke about such a delicate matter and not make it sound mean. Alex shoved him against the couch.

"I'm not gonna pass out!"

"Why don't we go to my room?" but despite what he'd just said, the moment they stood up Alex stumbled and had to hold on to Vict to not fall spectacularly to the ground. Worried, Vict steadied him and kept a firm hand on his arm. Alex saw the concern in his eyes and shook his head to the unasked question.

"I'm not gonna pass out. I'm fine" he repeated, more serious this time and, to prove it, he took Vict's hand and guided him to the room.

Upon entering, Alex stopped to stare at the bed with aprehension. He didn't want anything to go wrong tonight. Feeling Vict's warm presence behind him though, he took a deep breath and walked towards the bed. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do now, so he turned around to face Vict again and initiated another kiss. The other boy replied with enthusiasm and pressed their bodies together. Soon enough, Alex had turned them around and when the back of Vict's knees hit the bed, he let himself fall into it, welcoming the blond's body on top of his. Alex hadn't been lying, he had no intention of blacking out any time soon, not today, but he needed to bring it down a notch to remain steady, which is why he decided to be on the giving end for a while. Maybe that way, he'd be more comfortable receiving Vict's attentions. He began to kiss his way down Vict's body almost tortuosly slow.

His hands reached the waistband of the taller boy's jeans and fumbled with the button until he was sliding the garment, underwear and all, to the bottom of his feet. He made a conscious effort not to look at Vict's now complete nakedness for as long as he could. The other boy kicked a few times with his legs to dislodge the item off.

Looking anywhere but down, Alex's eyes found Vict's and he could see that he was blushing too. Vict sat up and put his hands on either side of Alex's hips, stroking the skin above his jeans with his thumbs. He reached to undue them, never taking his eyes off Alex.

"You okay?" he asked and Alex nodded without hesitation. Vict slid the rest of Alex's clothes to the floor.

Alex gulped, this was as exposed as he could be. As exposed as he'd let himself be for years and yet, he wasn't as scared as he thought he would be. Maybe it had something to do with Vict being just as exposed as he was. He bent down and captured the other boy's lips in a tender kiss, nodging him to scoot up on the bed and give him space to sit as well.

Still feeling in command of the situation, Alex reached a tentative hand but hesitated before taking a hold of Vict's member. His hand started trembling in midair. Vict reached with his own and guided Alex's hand the rest of the way, both hands now wraped firmly around him.

Alex never took his eyes from Vict's, and he caught the other boy's reaction to being so intimately touched. He gasped and sighed. When Alex received an encouraging smile and nod, he started moving his hand, feeling Vict's thumb caresing the back of it.

The motion went on for about a minute and Alex's excitement and confidence grew exponentially when Vict moaned in pleasure due to a change in rhythm by Alex's hand. Wanting to hear such an erotic sound coming from him again, an idea popped into his mind. He'd seen videos of people doing this. Vict himself had almost done it to him, so he supposed this is what came next on the agenda. He bent down and brought his lips close to his fisted hand.

"You don't hav— _oh!_ Okay, okay. Yeah" Vict jumped and then let out a long sigh when Alex's mouth engulfed the tip of his cock. He gasped when Alex's tongue started lapping at the head. Alex gave a few experimental licks before gathering his courage and enveloping more of it with his mouth. Vict groaned and gave an involuntary push upwards with his hips, but Alex just smiled around it. He was making Vict feel this way and, honestly, he was pretty proud of himself for making it this far.

It didn't taste exactly as he'd anticipated. It was bitter, strange and definitely intoxicating. Not sure how this was supposed to be done, he just began to bob his head up and down, making sure to put his tongue to good use. The way Vict's breath began to speed up only served to reassure him that he must've been doing something right. He could feel his own arousal sparking up.

He felt a hand taking a gentle hold of his hair, stroking the locks a few times before making a fist accompanied by a loud moan. A few seconds later though, Vict's hand stilled at the base of his neck and tugged his head away. Alex sat up, took a huge gulp of air and wiped some saliva out of the corner of his mouth. When their eyes met again, Alex could tell something in the atmosphere had changed. Vict's eyes looked darker and hungrier than before. Alex felt the power and control of the situation shift between them when Vict leaned forward to engage him in a bruising kiss that left him breathless. Alex yielded to the power shift by laying down on the bed. It was his turn now.

Alex felt a pang of fear when Vict crawled on top of him, but he opened his legs to acomodate him either way. This was as close as they'd ever been to each other and the contact of their bodies both encouraged and frightened him. He could feel his hands shaking slightly.

Perhaps Vict noticed his sudden aprehension because all he did for a while was lean down and kiss him, softly, keeping the rest of his body still and the mayority of his weight on the arms placed on either side of Alex's head.

"Are you okay?" Vict asked for the second time that night, placing a few kisses under his jaw. Alex hesitated for a moment but then he nodded. He was fine. He was _fine_ , he told himself. Vict smiled and continued to place kisses down his neck and into his chest.

He ran his tongue over one of Alex's nipples and the blond couldn't hold back a moan. Vict took the hardened nub into his mouth and began to really work on it while rubbing the other one with his hand. When he felt the wet tongue switching nipples, Alex arched his back off the mattress and took a hold of Vict's head, not sure if he wanted to push it away from such a sensitive place or press down harder himself. Let's just say that the noise that escaped from him was unrecognizable to his own ears, a mixture of a whimper and a moan.

He could feel his body growing hotter by the second and the cause of his trembling hands went from fear to excitement. The anticipation was killing him. He was actually the one who iniciated the movement of their bodies, driving his hips upward with tiny thrusts that caused their erections to rub deliciously together. The new sensation shortening his breath enough that he almost thanked Vict out loud when his nipples were released, because he was feeling lightheaded.

He couldn't deny he was worried. He'd promised Vict he wouldn't pass out again but it wasn't like he could control his body or the signals his brain decided to send out. He wanted to be able to go all the way through tonight. He needed to get past his self-defense mechanism that so far hadn't worked as anything other than self-sabotage. He was enjoying this, he really was. There was no need to block this out.

His attention was brought back to the moment when the tongue that had been torturing his nipples only seconds before started to reach his so far untouched cock and give a long slow lick down its lenght. Alex closed his eyes in pure ecstasy. He never could've imagined sex could feel like this, so good, so… liberating, not after what had been done to him. But this, this was okay.

However, Vict's head didn't stop there and it continued to go downwards. Alex opened his eyes in surprise to see the other boy deep in concentration. Hands grabbed the back of his tighs and pushed to elevate his legs slightly off the bed. What was he doing? Alex felt the wandering tongue getting every inch closer to his entrance and he tensed.

He wasn't planning on... Right? With the first lick, Alex's head jumped off the pillow to take a better look at what was going on and he fisted the sheets at his sides. His breathing picked up in speed, but Vict must have mistaken it with pleasure because he continued to lap at it vigoruously.

Alex started to panic. The feeling was so strange he couldn't decide if he liked it or not. What he did know is that he felt unbelievably exposed. His entrance had only ever been touched by a person who'd given him nothing but pain and shame.

Suddenly Vict's siluoette was replaced by the memory of Serhiy and the blond began to hyperventilate. He dropped his head back on the bed and gasped for air, trying and failing to make his voice work enough to call for a stop.

"Wait..." he tried to say, but only a whisper that didn't even reach his own ears came out.

The person between his legs drew back to take a breath and Alex could finally let out a strangled plea before the motion was renewed again.

"Stop!" Vict immediately did. When the other boy sat back up, Alex pressed his legs together and turned on his side, breathing still irregular and fast.

"What's wrong?" Vict asked, scooting closer to the head of the bed.

"Don't do that. Please" Alex whispered, eyes fixed on the mattress.

"You didn't like it?" but Alex didn't reply "I-I'm sorry. I should've asked. Alex?" the blond looked up to meet the eyes staring intently at him and the genuine worry he could see there was enough to help him calm down. This was Vict, not the bastard that had started all this. He was safe here. He was fine. He sat up and moved closer to Vict.

"I'm sorry" he said, glad to hear his voice gone back to normal. When the concern wouldn't leave the other boy's face though, he kept explaining "It wasn't... I mean it didn't feel bad, just maybe... Not today but maybe we can leave that for next time?" he managed a small smile that turned into a sigh of relief when he saw Vict doing the same.

"Oh, so there's gonna be a next time?" as always, tension was cut back and they ended up laughing until Alex rested his head on Vict's shoulder.

"If I survive this one" he said. Vict put a hand on his cheek and made him look at him.

"We've donde enough for today. We can stop" but Alex was shaking his head.

"I want to finish this today" his tone left no room for arguments. Vict tried one last time though.

"The part that comes next involves another version of what we just did, you know?" he said, trying to warn him.

"I know" Alex said and tilted his head forward for a kiss. A slow gentle one that worked to get them both back in the mood.

He leaned back down, taking a deep breath to prepare himself for what came next while Vict resumed his position between his legs.

They got comfortable, not in the need to rush things and Vict reached into the drawer of the bedside table to grab a condom and a bottle of lube. At the sight of it, Alex's heart jumped.

"I don't want to hurt you" Vict said, as serious as Alex had ever seen him "So I'm gonna stretch you first, alright?" Alex nodded, not sure he was able to speak at the moment.

Vict spread some of the liquid into his hands and rubbed them together before taking a hold of Alex's cock and giving it his full attention. The blond gasped, feeling again the waves of pleasure even though he knew Vict was just distracting him enough to proceed.

Alex tensed when the first finger began to circle his entrance. Once, twice, three times before slowly making its way inside. Alex definitely felt that, since his muscles clamped strongly enough around it to be painful. And it was just one finger! How was he supposed to take in Vict himself?

"I know it's hard, but you gotta relax a bit" Vict instructed.

"I _am_ relaxed!" Alex said between clenched teeth and Vict let out a laugh.

"Oh babe, you're so not relaxed" in spite of himself, Alex laughed until Vict withdrew his finger and pushed it back in. He repeated the motion several times until he felt Alex's hole had loosened enough to allow a second finger inside. When Alex felt the presure increase, he reached down to take a hold of the hand Vict kept moving leisurely around his cock and brought it to his chest, squeezing the life out of Vict's fingers.

"You good?" Vict asked but Alex turned his head to the side.

"Talk to me" the blond demanded, still unable to meet the loving gaze sent his way. Alex noticed Vict's hesitation in the seconds it took for him to comply to his request.

"What about?" he hadn't slowed the movement of his fingers. In fact, he was starting to slightly crook them when they were all the way inside.

"An-anything. Talk about anything" Alex replied in a rush, his breathing irregular once more "I need to know it's you" he added. He felt the bed deepen when the other boy leaned closer over him to speak right above his ear.

"If you want to know it's me, then look at me" Alex's breath hitched and he squeezed Vict's hand roughly. His heart was beating wildly but he gathered the courage to turn his head back around and stare into the intense gaze of Vict's eyes "You're safe with me. I promise" they kept staring at eachother until Vict twisted his fingers a certain way and Alex's eyes widened. He moaned.

"How did...? Do that again" he asked breathlessly. Vict chuckled and complied. Alex was soon gasping and writhing underneath him. It was time to move on.

Alex's hips tried to follow Vict's fingers when he withdrew them but stood still when he saw Vict opening the little foil packet to take the condom out.

"Do you want to do it?" Vict asked, offering him the condom. Alex shook his head. He knew how it was supposed to be done, but he just couldn't trust his hands not to shake so much he couldn't be able to wrap the thing around Vict, so the other boy did it himself.

Vict started coating his member with lube. Alex saw the other boy's hands shaking slightly and he began to see him under a whole new light. He was nervous too, but he was doing everything in his power to make this good for him. Alex wanted to return the favor.

He sat up and replaced Vict's hand with his own, working on spreading the liquid all over him. He smiled at him and they leaned into each other for a kiss.

Vict stilled Alex's hand and made him lay back on the bed, this time letting more of his weight fall into the blond. Alex felt gentle hands caressing all over his sides until one hand reached for his leg to lift it up and give Vict the space he needed to position himself.

His breath hitched. This was happening.

"Are you sure you want this?" Vict asked one more time.

"I want you" Alex replied and ever so slowly, Vict started to push his way inside.

_Oh..._

_Jesus!_

_Ow..._

_Fuck!_

Alex felt himself stretching wide, wider than what two fingers had felt like and even though Vict had been diligent in stretching his muscles by scissoring those fingers, he couldn't help but complain at the mild burning sensation inside of him.

He was saved from getting stuck on the pain when he felt Vict shudder above him and let out a moan when he completely bottomed out.

"God..." Vict exclaimed, his voice low and husked, panting into the crook of Alex's neck. He remained still.

"Vict" Alex whispered, the tone of his voice unrecognizable to his own hears "Vict" he called again until the other boy let out the breath he'd been holding, turned his head and glanced at him through the corner of his eye "We're doing it. We're actually doing it" the blond said in awe, not sure he believed his own words.

Vict let out a laugh and soon Alex joined him into what became an almost hysterical bout of laughter.

They embraced each other and just laughed until Alex felt the tears flooding his eyes and escaping into his cheeks. When they calmed down, Alex found he'd been sobbing into the other boy's shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Vict asked, kissing away the tears. Alex stared up at him for the longest of times, trying to convey to the other boy what he wasn't sure he could put into words. _I'm giving you everything_ , his eyes seemed to say. _I'm trusting you with everything_.

The blond nodded and gave him a quick kiss back.

"You can move now" the moment he gave permission, Vict moved his hips back and pulled out of him just a few inches before slowly going back in, making Alex's eyes widen.

_My God..._

He could tell Vict was making a tremendous effort to move as slowly as he could, if the trembling of his arms while holding him was any indication, but he wasn't ready to let him increase the rhythm yet. He gasped the second time Vict pulled out, this time going almost all the way out before repeating his previous move. Alex had to clutch the other boy's back tighter when he entered. There was something there he was brushing every time he moved that made butterflies dance in his stomach and sparks ignite inside him. That, combined with Vict's weight on top of him and the slight pain he was still trying to adjust to was making it really hard to take in a full breath.

Vict kept going.

Alex let out a strangled moan when the mixture of sensations on his body went up a notch. Vict's mouth sucking kisses on the side of his neck wasn't helping the matter. He soon felt like he was suffocating by how stuttered his breathing was.

When some of Vict's weight was lifted off his body and he opened questioning eyes at him, that's when he realized he'd closed them in the first place.

"Come on" the older boy instructed while sitting up, gently guiding Alex to do the same.

Still connected in every way possible, the blond followed Vict's intructions until he was sitting on his lap, a leg on either side of him. Alex moaned when the new position let gravity work it's magic and Alex sank down even deeper.

"Better?" Vict asked. Alex answered by drawing a full breath and letting it out with a satisfied sigh.

Vict kept leaning back until he was the one laying on the bed while Alex held his weigth with an arm on either side of his head. Their faces were so close they were breathing the same air, panting into each other's lips.

"You can take it as fast or as slow as you want" the older boy whispered and Alex instantly relaxed. He smiled at the level of control thrown back his way.

He had to admit he'd felt overwhelmed with Vict on top of him but the other boy was so focused on him that he'd been able to pick up on it and help.

"I don't... I don't know what to do" Alex whispered awkwardly, his cheeks redenning with embarrassment.

"Just do whatever feels right for you. Move whatever way you like" he took his time thinking about it, trying to understand the foreign feelings his body was experiencing. Vict was patient and encouraging, running a hand over his thighs in a soothing manner. Alex settled with pushing down even though there was no more room between them. He buckled his hips some at the same time. Vict gasped.

"This alright?" he asked tentatively.

"Trust me, whatever you do right now is gonna feel alright to me"

Alex felt encouraged. Taking another minute to try and control his breathing, he laid his weight down, pressing their chests together and kissing everywhere he could. He kept a slow, small rhythm of his hips, going back and forth just milimiters at a time, enjoying the way Vict's hands made him shiver every time he squeezed somewhere and then carressed it.

Alex gasped in surprise when Vict buckled up, adding some strength to their pace. The other boy apologized, apparently the slow movements were driving him crazy and his body had just reacted. The blond didn't mind though. He'd liked it, that's why he started to move a bit faster.

As minutes kept passing by, any discomfort he'd felt began to go away to be replaced by sparks of pleasure going from his bottom to the rest of his body.

Having his erection constantly pressed between their stomachs had him clutching the sheets with shaking fists, increasing the need to go faster.

He didn't deny himself the treat.

He picked up the pace of his hips, Vict's member going out some just to slide back in and send electricity coursing through his veins. He loved how every time he brought his body down, Vict let out sound after sound that indicated how much he was enjoying this as well.

During the whole experience, Alex learned it was extremely hard for him to keep his eyes open. He didn't know if that was normal during sex, but apparently it was normal for him. He had his eyes squeezed shut, forehead digging into the older boy's shoulder while his lips bussied themselves with Vict's skin. He felt in heaven. He was sure he couldn't feel any better than that. He was wrong.

He had to look up eventually when Vict pushed on his shoulders, wandering hands then reaching down between them, making Alex stand up some to give him room.

What was he doing?, he thought.

Vict took a hold of his cock.

"Ohh..." 

_T_ _hat's what._ He moaned when the other boy turned his hand into a fist into which Alex thrusted every time he brought his hips down.

He wasn't sure at that moment what gave him more pleasure: Vict's cock, his hand or the incredibly erotic sounds they were both making. Who knew the sound of Vict's voice going from high when he moaned to low when he groaned could be such a turn on?

" _Ahh_ — Vict..." something was happening, he knew it, and he began to chase the edge he so desperately wanted to fall from. He knew he was close.

But with the frenetic chase also came the muddling of his brain.

His breathing was uncontrollable and his arms were shaking so bad he was losing the strenght to hold himself up.

Alex was still conscious enough to think that the term 'losing his mind' wasn't so far off in his case.

Knowing he'd collapse any time now if he didn't do something, he sat up straighter and pulled on Vict so they were sitting up against each other again, the movement of their hips never faltering.

Vict released his cock and put his arms around him making sure there was not an inch of separation between them. He began to meet Alex's thrusts.

Alex's vision kept dimming the closer he got to that frightening but oh-so-needed release and he was losing his contact with reality.

 _No!_ He didn't want to black out now. He couldn't!

Somehow he managed to speak with a voice as weak as a leaf.

"I think... I'm gonna..." he meant to say 'pass out' but his voice died down. He couldn't breathe.

"Me too" Vict replied, holding into him and thrusting harder than he had all night "It's okay" the older boy said breathlessly.

 _It's okay, it's okay, it's okay_. Alex latched on to those words.

He came.

He shouted when he felt his orgasm hit him and the movement of his hips went erratical for a moment before stilling completely and he felt himself spilling the contents of his release into both their stomachs.

Vict let out a choked groan and a curse when not a second after he reached his own climax.

The blond wasn't aware of much around him for some time. He could feel their bodies twiching from time to time and hear Vict's labored breathing right next to his ear, but he failed to acknowledge the other boy calling his name. His eyes were open half mast and unfocused, his breathing so shallow his lips were turning blue.

"Alex" somehow, through the rush of blood pumping inside his head, he recognized Vict's voice, shaky and small, calling out for him. A hand cupping his face, giving it a shake "Alex, focus! Are you with me?"

The blond finally managed a gasped breath, followed by another one and another one. His lungs felt like he'd drowned and then come back to life. Unfortunately he was very familiar with the feeling.

He started to return to himself.

"Did I pass out?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

"Almost, but I think we're clear" Vict smiled.

Oh, that smile.

That smile that no matter what mood he was in, it always made him smile back. That smile that let him know things were really okay.

That smile that made him happy.

They kissed. They kissed for hours, or maybe it was just minutes, while they came down from the high of spending their first night together. Alex had regained his bearings, but they hadn't moved from their position against each other.

"How come we hadn't done this yet?" the blond asked amazed, as if it was a mystery. Vict laughed.

"I think it was worth the wait" Alex let his head rest on Vict's shoulder "We should clean up"

"I would, but I can't move" the blond said around a satisfied sigh. He was boneless against Vict, his eyes dropping closed.

He could feel himself being laid down against the bed while the other boy got up, presumably to the bathroom. Moments later Alex felt a damp towel on his skin, cleaning away the mess he'd managed to make. When Vict laid back on the bed, he snugled closer to him.

They didn't speak after that, mainly because Alex fell asleep as soon as Vict's arms went around him. He was exhausted, physically and emotionaly. They'd leave words for the next day.

For now, they were content with staying in each other's arms, breathing the scent of their bodies and resting in the knowledge that they had finally done it. They'd finally made love.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was sometime around 3 a.m. when Alex started to twich in his sleep. He'd managed to sleep soundly for a couple of hours before a torrent of images began to invade his dreams.

He saw himself naked, vulnerable against a mirror where a dark siluette loomed behind him. Except, when he turned around, there was no one there.

He felt himself tied to a chair, pleasure making him arc his back in search for more before a current of electricity ripped a scream from his lungs. It hurt.

He found himself sobbing, face down on the floor, begging for someone to stop. Just stop. It really, really hurt.

Alex woke up with a gasp, barely managing to suppress a scream that threatened to disturb the peace of the night. He wasn't fast enough.

He sat up abruptly, wincing at the foreign but all too familiar pain of his bottom, trying to understand how he'd ended up in that situation again.

Except it wasn't.

Taking a second to calm himself down, he realized that the pain wasn't nearly close enough to how it was the first time. He was sore, but if he thought about it objectively, he wasn't _in pain_. He was fine.

He was fine.

He ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh.

"Alex?" he jumped at the sound of Vict's voice. He turned around and blushed at the state of nakedness displayed before him. He was quick to grab the comforter and cover his own nakedness away.

"Hmm?" Vict reached out with a hand.

"You okay?" Alex didn't reply for a long time, so long that Vict's eyebrows were drawn together in worry. The blond sighed and took the offered hand in his own, holding on to it like his life depended on it... or his sanity.

"How can something that feels so good hurt so bad?" he asked in a whisper. In the dim light filtering through the window, Alex could see Vict's alarmed expression.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Not you"

Vict, who had begun to sit up as well, flopped back down and tugged on Alex's hand so the blond could do the same. They were laying facing each other, Vict's hand now cupping Alex's cheek while the blond rested his on Vict's chest. The older boy was giving him such a raw emotional stare that it was hard not to look away.

"Doing this is supposed to be about love, but it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes it's just about pleasure and some people think it's their right to take it from anyone. So no, it's not supposed to hurt like that" Alex nodded. He guessed there was nothing else to say about it.

"But... it _is_ a little bit about pleasure" he said, his lips trying to form a smile.

"The good kind of pleasure, yes"

They remained in silence for a while but neither of them fell asleep for a long time. Feeling bold enough, Alex began to run his fingers up and down Vict's chest, just carressing and feeling the sking under his palm.

"Did you like it?" he asked, suddenly afraid he hadn't been good enough for the other boy.

"Would you believe me if I told you this was the best time I've had?" those words managed to bring a full smile to his face.

"And would you believe me if I told you, you were the best I've had?" Alex asked back. They stared at each other for a complete awkward minute before a fit of laughter took a hold of them both.

"That's not funny" Vict admonished, pushing lightly on his shoulder.

"It was a little bit funny" Alex was reveling in the fact that he'd made a joke out of it, not that the statement was far from the truth. Did that mean he was finally starting to heal?

"I take it you liked it then?" apparently he wasn't the only one who needed confirmation. Alex reached forward to plant a kiss on Vict's lips.

"I'd definitely do it again" Vict smiled.

"Good to know"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they did it! They finally did it. Did you like it? Hate it? I’d love to know.  
> Also, this story only has one more chapter left but don’t worry, I’ve got lots of content coming your way for this series, so keep an eye out for them!


	24. Epilogue: It’s showtime!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’ve reached the end of this story. This epilogue is a little short but hopefully it’ll wrap up the story nicely. Expect fluff and cheese, lots and lots of cheese.  
> Make sure to read the note at the end of the chapter for some VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION :)

"So... explain it to me again" Vict said upon joining Alex and Ben in the kitchen "There are three of them" he continued, putting the grocery bag on the counter.

"Yes: Eagle, Snake and Wolf" Alex answered, opening the new bag and putting cans of food inside the shelves.

"What's with the jungle names?" the other boy asked, to which Ben sighed, beginning to pick out ingredients for that night.

"They're codenames. It's a system the SAS use" he explained.

"Why can't we just call them by their names?" Vict asked, genuinely curious about the people he'd meet that night. Alex was the one who answered.

"We're just used to it. Honestly I don't think I've ever used their real names before. Except for Ben's"

"What was your codename?" the taller boy wasn't holding anything back with his questions. Alex chose to be amused by it, instead of giving in to the sheer terror of having Vict meeting Wolf, Eagle and Snake. The whole situation felt too much like introducing your boyfriend to your family for the first time, something he'd definitely never done before. Ben and Vict had met under quite peculiar circumstances, so it's not like they'd suffer through awkward meals together. Not that the other two had spent _any_ time together. Alex could count with the fingers of one hand the number of times the three of them had hung out, mostly after one of Alex's games.

There was an awkward silence following Vict's question in which Alex noticed Ben putting more focus than was necessary into drowing the chicken breasts with wine. They were supposed to marinate for a few hours before dinner.

The blond cleared his throat.

"Fox" Alex answered for him, earning a quick glance from the man.

"Cool" Vict finished emptying the contents of the bag on the table "What time are they supposed to arrive?"

"Around nine"

"I'll go get the last bag from the car" the moment he stepped through the front door, Alex rounded on Ben and hit him in the arm. Hard.

"Ow! What was that for?!" the older man asked, rubbing at the spot in his upper arm.

" _Be nice_ " Alex warned, dropping his voice into a meanacing whisper even though Vict was way out of earshot.

"What are you talking about? I'm the nicest person around"

"Not when it comes to him, you’re not" Alex stated with severity "Actually, it's about time we had this conversation. What do you have against him?" he asked, thinking back on every interaction Ben and Vict had ever had.

"Nothing" Ben answered entirely too suspiciously.

"I don't believe you" when no other answer was forthcoming, Alex struck with his hand again "Ben!"

"You ended up in the hospital Alex!" Ben, too, was keeping his voice under control, glancing out the kitchen in case the other boy had returned.

"Six months ago! Are you still with that?" Alex countered, both surprised and annoyed by the reason behind Ben's attitude "And it wasn't even his fault, you know that"

"Yeah, well… you still did" so much for an argument, Alex thought.

"You've got to let it go. It was because of him, after all, that I was able to—" Ben threw his arms in the air and shook his head frantically.

"No-no-no, I don't need to know the details of your sex life" Alex couldn't supress a chuckle. As frustrating as the situation was, it was also kind of amusing.

"Whatever. Just get over it and be nice to him" he ordered, sparing the older man from getting any more red faced.

"Yes, _mother_ " Alex laughed again. After a second, he checked they were still alone at the apartment before dropping his voice even lower.

"So, did you talk to the guys? They know Vict doesn't know about me, right?" Ben had gone back to marinating their dinner.

"They know what topics are off the table. They'll behave" that earned him a snort.

"Yeah right, like they actually know how" they heard the front door opening and resumed their tasks in silence. Vict entered the kitchen and set the last bag on the table.

"So" he said, clasping his hands together "What can I do to help?"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

They were in Alex's room, just waiting for K-Unit to arrive and enjoying the slightly cooler breeze coming through the open window. They were walking into July now, so any reprieve from the hot summer was a relief.

Alex was laying in bed, whatever he'd been reading on his phone long forgotten in favor of a light doze, a guilty pleasure he hadn't let himself enjoy for years but was now hard pressed to indulge in, specially since he didn't take them alone, his naps.

Ever since Vict moved to the small one bedroom apartment he'd bought with the money from the house, Alex had spent a disturbing amount of time there just lazing off with the other boy. He reasoned, though, that as long as he was able to finish all his work on time, he'd enjoy himself _and_ Vict when he could.

As it was, they were laying comfortably around each other, Vict's leg trapping him closer to him while Alex's forehead rested against his shoulder.

"Alex?" the voice startled him out of his slumber.

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you something?" thinking that maybe Vict had more questions about K-Unit, he rubbed the sleep from his face and straightened a little bit.

"Shoot"

"Why did you like me?" _okay_... he was _not_ expecting that.

"Why do you ask?" Vict shrugged and readjusted his arm under Alex's neck, bringing it higher to play with his hair.

"Just curious" he said in a way that made Alex suspect he'd been giving this some thought.

"I didn't at first. I mean—" he was quick to offer an explanation because he could feel the other boy preparing for an argument about that one small, insignificant little detail "I don't like anyone the first time I meet them"

"You are one strange guy" Vict commented, bringing down the sting of his words with a kiss to his forehead "When did you stop not liking me, then?" Alex carefully considered his answer.

"The first thing I noticed about you was the way you smiled at everyone. You know I'm not exactly... cheerful, but you always managed to make me feel lighter around you, less worried" he looked up and met Vict's eyes with a mischivious spark in them "Until I started worrying about you noticing me, or _not_ noticing me, and the way I felt about that, and the things you always said, and the ones I didn't say..."

"I stand by my words: you are a strante guy" Alex laughed and got on his elbows to lean forward and place a kiss on Vict's lips.

Regaining his composure, after a quick makeout session, Alex continued to talk.

"I think I began to understand it when we went for lunch for the first time. I realized…" he trailed off, unsure how the other boy would take the information.

"What?" he insisted.

"I realized I like the person I am when I'm with you" that earned him another ten minutes of making out.

"Aren't you gonna ask back?" Vict said after a while, when they'd both resumed their original position.

"Don't need to. I already know" Alex answered with an air of self confidence. Vict raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, really? Why did I like you, then?" and with as serious a tone as he'd ever used, Alex replied.

"Because I speak french, obviously" Vict burst out in laughter, having to wipe at his eyes to get rid of some tears.

"Well, you're not wrong"

"But that's it? My french?" Alex asked back, half serious and half not.

"Pretty much, yeah" Alex feigned indignance and poked Vict hard on the side "Your eyes" he said at last "That did it for me"

"You're gonna have to elaborate on that" Alex would be the first to admit that he was enjoying this way too much, but he wasn't going to stop and over analyze his need of reassurance when it came to relationships. He'd just take what he could get without complain.

"The way you look at things" Vict began "It's like you see so much more in everything than what other people might see, like your brain can't get enough of the images it receives. It makes you look alive, even when you look all serious... which is most of the time, by the way" that last retort earned him amother jab at his side.

"Did anyone ever tell you, you should be a writer?" Alex asked once they calmed down from their tickling battle.

"You know, I don't know why I've spent the past three years of my life studying mechanics. Really, it beats me" Alex groaned and let his head fall back on the bed.

"I don't even know why I bother... I mean it though. You have a way with words"

"That another thing you like about me?"

"I was just pointing out a possible career path"

"Uh-huh"

"Whatever"

"Guys!" Ben's voice reached them from outside "They're coming up!" Alex jumped from the bed, actually excited to welcome their friends. It'd been a long time since they'd last seen the unit.

"Are you ready?" he asked a now rather nervious looking Vict.

"It's showtime" the other boy said and followed him out the door.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The doorbell to the apartment rang and Alex felt strangely but pleasantly excited when he threw the door open and welcomed the unit inside.

"Cub!" Snake exclaimed, offering a hand to shake and then unable to hide his shocked expression when Alex bypassed the hand in favor of giving him a hug.

"It's good to see you" the blond said, stepping back quickly to greet the other two men.

One by one they stepped inside, embracing their former unit member as well and waiting just a bit awkwardly for someone to introduce the third person in the room.

"So!" Eagle exclaimed cheerfully "I suppose you're the boyfriend this one hasn't shut up about?" he pointed a finger at Alex, who was blushing something fierce after having gotten all the greetings out of the way. This was happening.

"I sure hope he meant me" Vict replied a bit shyly but jokingly anyway. _Oh boy,_ Alex thought, _these two are gonna get along way too well._

"In that case" Wolf stepped meanacingly closer to Vict and the other boy visibly gulped "We need to have a little talk" the unit leader offered a hand to shake and then guided Vict to the couch where all three members of the unit ganged up on him.

Alex lingered closer to the kitchen entrance, not sure he wanted to hear what the soldiers were saying to Vict. Probably something along the lines of: _if you hurt him_... That would be so cliche of them and yet, something he could definitely see this bunch of seasoned military men doing. Alex sighed. His life was so confusing sometimes.

Ben reappeared from the kitchen where he'd gone to check on dinner and put an arm around Alex's shoulders. They stood watching the introductions happening on the other side of the room.

"Are you okay?" the older man asked, smiling softly at the scene playing in front of them. When the group of people started laughing at Eagle's expense, Alex smiled too.

"Yeah... I'm good"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you’ve managed to stick by the series so far, the first thing I’d like to do is thank you all for your support and encouraging words. They mean the world to me.  
> Secondly, though we’ve reached the end of this story, the series isn’t over by a long shot. 
> 
> Parts 3, 4 and 5 will most likely be one shots showing snippets of Alex and Vict’s relationship. I needed a place to keep exploring their relationship and I couldn’t get those scenes out of my head.  
> Then there’s another multi-chapter sequel to this story that’s half written. Unfortunately I’ve been having some writer’s block which is exactly why I wanted to revisit the whole series from the beginning. Hopefully, by the time I post every chapter and one-shot in between I’ll find a way to get past my writer’s block.
> 
> Also (surprise!) there are more stories coming after that! I am absolutely in love with Alex and Vict so I’m gonna be writing about them for a long, long time. I’d like to invite you to join this rollercoaster ride with me so we can keep exploring their relationship at the same time they do.
> 
> So keep an eye out for Part 3 of the series and see you on the other side!


End file.
